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Yo Mama's So Stupid...
She spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
When the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the "Any" key.
When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said "Cherry or Grape?
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She thought St. Ides was a Catholic church.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She tried to drown a fish.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.
They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade.
She took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
That under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".
She thinks socialism means partying.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" she put Sagittarius.
She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She stands up on an empty bus.
She studied for a blood test and failed.
She thought hamburger helper came with another person.
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats..
She thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
She invented a solar powered flashlight.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she saw the "NC-17" (Under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends.
When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
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Subject: Funny Bumper Stickers
* Horn broken. Watch for finger.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
* Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Rehab is for quitters.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
* Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
* IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone... and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and
Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know
them!"
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take!
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Have you ever noticed when driving a car that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.
Since he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a descent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this jerk standing in the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".
Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty...almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he waited). It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.
"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor, "Do you know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.
The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"
"NO", snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
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On NPR this morning there was a story about a cow, escaped from a slaughterhouse, that is now something of a celebrity, and is being housed in a special barn with a TV and a VCR.
"What," I muttered, "would a cow want with a TV and a VCR?"
My wife's son didn't miss a beat: "Maybe to watch moo-vies?"
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Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??"
"Somersaults."
"Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?"
"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it!"
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Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
MIS: I'll drink it if you can give me 'til next year.
Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.
Windows users: Where's my straw?
Mac users: Where's my pump?
UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.
Multimedia author: <slurp!>
Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go?
CIA: What makes you think that's milk?
NSA: We know what it really is.
Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!
Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!
Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.
Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.
IBM: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you.
IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.
National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ!
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Top 17 Programmer's Terminology's
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Code not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!
17. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
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A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer replies. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him,"Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!"
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Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are at a meeting when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than their ignition temperature and then the fire will go out." The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." As the physicist and the chemist debate what to do, the statistician actually does something. He runs around the room lighting more fires.
The physicist and the chemist scream "What are you doing?"
The statistician replies, "We're going to need a larger sample size."
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There were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all the quizzes, midterms, and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final exam that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Virginia for the weekend, and they planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about morality and solutions, and was worth 5 points. "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They finished that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
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A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before'. He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?" Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Tyrone, can you spell 'before'?"
Tyrone stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Tyrone, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Tyrone says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
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A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
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Stosh had been out of work for close to two years. Needless to say, he was getting pretty desperate for money. He decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handyman.
Well, the first house he came to, a man answered the door and told Stosh, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure, that sounds great!" said Stosh.
"Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?"
"Is fifty bucks all right?" Stosh asked.
"Yeah, that's great. You'll find all the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife, who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does he know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well he must, he was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Stosh knocked on the door.
"I'm all finished," he told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Stosh replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Stosh.
"Oh, by the way," said Stosh, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari!"
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A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for $50."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."
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A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"*Anything*."
His voice softens. "*Anything*??"
"*Anything*."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?"
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A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. (elevators)
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?". The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother".
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
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You May be a Computer Engineer/Computer Geek:
* If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
* If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
* If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
* If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
* If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned-out bulb in the string
* If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
* If your idea of a fun evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
* If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
* If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
* If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
* If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
* If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
* If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
* If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
* If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
* If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
* If you have more toys than your kids
* If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
* If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
* If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
* If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
* If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
* If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
* If you spend more on your home computer than your car
* If you know what http:// stands for
* If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
* If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
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The Scientist and the Poet
There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain.
The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out.
Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Them you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer.
"Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his multimedia encyclopaedia.
After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into the his hand.
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