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Had enough?
A young, wanna-be stud is vacationing alone in Cancun. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his chagrin, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes back to his hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a nightclub. So he goes to a club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asks, "man, what's your secret?" The old man replies: "I saw you on the beach today, and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your Speedo." The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again. So, the next morning he saunters out to the beach, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course. That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help. The wise old man responds with another fine tip: "Next time, son, put the socks in the FRONT of your shorts.
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A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just figured was her husband."
Now he guy is angry. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh... is this 832-4821?"
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A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "No that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
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Grown-Up Words
The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit!"
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The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to "bug off" and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "because I sure didn't!"
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The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
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Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the other, I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
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Senior Citizens Beat Inflation
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, " Will you watch us have intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you intercourse." and charged them $16.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. Holiday Inn charges $60.00. Hilton Hotel charges $42.00. We do it here for $16.00 and I get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor office.
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You may have heard these terms used quite frequently, but do you know what they REALLY mean?...
ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM = I Blame Microsoft
DEC = Do Expect Cuts
CA = Constant Acquisitions
CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
SCSI = System Can't See It
DOS = Defunct Operating System
BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW = World Wide Wait
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A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted"
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A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender says "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah," says the bartender "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters" he replied.
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The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your peg leg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off." The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard." Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye." The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days."
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."
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THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEAN
--------------------------
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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Guests arriving at a rich friends' party were surprised when they looked into swimming pool outside his house. The pool was full of dangerous animals - crocodiles, alligators and loads of piranha. When all the guests had arrived, the host hushed everyone down and got their attention. He said, "I have a challenge, which is open to any one here." He continued "The first person who can swim the length of the pool and survive can have the choice of my daughters' hand in marriage or $2 million in cash." Although the rich man's daughter was very attractive and there were many bachelors present, nobody stepped forward. Neither did any of the more greedy guest volunteer, in the hope they would become instant millionaires. Instead the guests just stared at each other in disbelief. All of a sudden, everyone looked round at the sound of a splash to witness a young man, fighting heroically with the hungry creatures as he tried to swim the length of the pool. Although he sustained many injuries the young man persevered and eventually made it to the far end of the pool, where he climbed out of the pool. The host was secretly amazed that the young man had survived, but was willing to honor his promise and said, "Well done, which prize have you decided to take as your reward?" The young man turned him and said, "I just want to find out which idiot pushed me in!"
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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavor than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
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A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
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TO MY DEAR WIFE,
DURING THE LAST YEAR, I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU 365 TIMES. I HAVE SUCCEEDED A MERE 36 TIMES, WHICH IS AN AVERAGE OF ONLY ONCE EVERY 10 DAYS! I HAVE GONE TO CONSIDERABLE EFFORT TO PREPARE THE FOLLOWING OBJECTIVE LIST OF REASONS WHY I DID NOT SUCCEED MORE OFTEN, AND TRUST THAT YOU WILL SERIOUSLY ADDRESS THIS SITUATION.
THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN - 54 TIMES
IT'S TOO LATE - 17 TIMES
I'M TOO TIRED - 49 TIMES
IT'S TOO EARLY - 20 TIMES
IT'S TOO HOT - 15 TIMES
PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP - 15 TIMES
THE NEIGHBORS WILL HEAR US - 3 TIMES
HEADACHE - 22 TIMES
SUNBURN - 7 TIMES
YOUR MOTHER WILL HEAR US - 9 TIMES
NOT IN THE MOOD - 43 TIMES
YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY - 17 TIMES
WATCHING THE LATE SHOW - 6 TIMES
NEW HAIRDO - 5 TIMES
TOO SORE - 16 TIMES
WRONG TIME OF THE MONTH - 12 TIMES
HAVE TO GET UP EARLY - 19 TIMES
OF THE 36 TIMES I DID SUCCEED, THE ACTIVITY WAS NOT SATISFACTORY BECAUSE 6 TIMES YOU JUST LAID THERE, 8 TIMES YOU REMINDED ME THERE WAS A CRACK IN THE CEILING, 4 TIMES YOU TOLD ME TO HURRY AND GET IT OVER WITH, SEVEN TIMES I HAD TO WAKE YOU UP TO TELL YOU THAT I HAD FINISHED, AND ONCE I WAS AFRAID I HAD HURT YOU BECAUSE I FELT YOU MOVE.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,
I THINK YOU HAVE GOTTEN THINGS A LITTLE CONFUSED. HERE ARE THE REAL REASONS YOU DID NOT GET MORE THAN YOU DID.
CAME HOME DRUNK AND TRIED TO SCREW THE CAT - 5 TIMES
DID NOT COME HOME AT ALL - 36 TIMES
DID NOT CUM - 21 TIMES
CAME TO SOON - 33 TIMES
WENT SOFT BEFORE YOU GOT IN - 19 TIMES
TOES IN A CRAMP - 10 TIMES
WORKING TOO LATE - 38 TIMES
HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TO PLAY GOLF - 29 TIMES
IN A FIGHT AND SOMEONE KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS - 2 TIMES
CAUGHT IT IN YOUR ZIPPER - 4 TIMES
GOT A COLD AND YOUR NOSE KEPT RUNNING - 3 TIMES
YOUR COFFEE WAS HOT AND YOU BURNED YOUR TONGUE - 3 TIMES
YOU HAD A SPLINTER IN YOUR FINGER - 2 TIMES
LOST THE NOTION AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT ALL DAY - 20 TIMES
CAME IN YOU PAJAMAS WHILE READING A DIRTY BOOK - 6 TIMES
TOO BUSY WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TV - 98 TIMES
OF THE TIMES WE DID GET TOGETHER, THE REASON I LAID STILL WAS BECAUSE YOU MISSED AND WERE SCREWING THE SHEETS. I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THE CRACK IN THE CEILING, WHAT I SAID WAS "WOULD YOU LIKE ME ON MY BACK OR KNEELING?" THE TIME YOU FELT ME MOVE WAS BECAUSE YOU FARTED AND I WAS TRYING TO BREATHE.
YOUR LOVING WIFE
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Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!" >>
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Q: What's the one thing worse that a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won't do what she's told.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q: Why did the army send so many premenstrual women to the Gulf?
A: Because they fought like animals and retained water for four days.
Q: What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A: A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
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There are four engineers traveling in a car when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer says, "It sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again." "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clean out the fuel system. "I think it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing up to this point, and say, "Well, what do *you* think?" "Um, how about if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
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OFFICE PRAYER
Lord,
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change.
The Courage
to change the things I cannot accept,
And the Wisdom
to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill because they pissed me off.
And Lord,
help me to be careful
of the toes I step on today as they
may be connected to the ass
that I might have to kiss tomorrow!
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Step Right Up and Squeeze juice out of a Lemon
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
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One day this lunatic man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. The crazy man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it." Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly. The insane man says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder." So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush. Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall to his death. The original man replaced the cover and, once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"
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Computer Nerd
A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he came across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it into his pocket, and went on his way. A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his pocket, "help, help"! He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it back into his pocket. Again, "help, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess". Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again. Moments later, "Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess. I'll do anything, if you help me, anything"! The man simply took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again! The little green frog again screamed out "Help, I'm the most beautiful princess, if you kiss me and help me I'll do anything, marry you ,sleep with you, give you money, ANYTHING" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and said "I'm a computer programmer, I work too much so a girlfriend or wife is of no use to me. But a small talking green frog is cool."
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Stardate: 10357.22
To: Heaven's Gate Personnel
Due to extensive tail winds caused by the comet Hale-Bopp, pickup of the 39 passengers has been delayed until 3024 when we pass the planet again.
DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME
*** REPEAT ***
DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING AT THIS TIME
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AGGIE MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Artery.......................The study of fine paintings
Barium.......................What you do when CPR fails
Benign.......................What you are after you are eight
Cesarean Section...........A district in Rome
Coma.........................A punctuation mark
Colic..........................A Sheep dog
Dilate.........................To live long
Fester........................Quicker
Morbid........................A higher offer
Nitrate.......................Lower than the day rate
Node..........................Was aware of
Outpatient....................A person who has fainted
Protein........................In favor of young people
Secretion.....................Hiding anything
Tablet.........................A small table
Tumor.........................An extra pair
Varicose Veins..............Veins which are very close together
Urine.........................Opposite of you're out
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