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Let's Get Dirty...
There was this lady siting in a park by a lake. She had no arms and no legs. A jogger comes by and see the lady crying and says "why are you crying", and the woman says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been hugged before." So the jogger feels sorry for her and hugs her.
Another jogger comes by and sees the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been kissed before", the jogger feels sorry for her and kisses her. Another jogger comes by and see the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been fucked before." So the jogger picks the lady up, throws her in the lake and says "you're fucked now........"
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CROSS-BRED DOGS:
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed .
Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound X Labrador = labador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
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A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy ? Why are you crying ?"
"It's mean !", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday..."
"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, " Your father is a real monster !'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it. "
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Did you know that Mike Tyson apologized to Evander Holyfield, but it just went in one ear.
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Do you know why Micheal Kennedy made love to his wife this weekend? He couldn't find a
Babysitter.
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Do you know what Ellen Degeneres said to Kathy Gifford? Can I be Frank with you?
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Did you know that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
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Do you know why Cunanan changed clothes after killing Versace? He decided Versace didn't look good on him.
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Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!" "Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do. "Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound and suck out the poison." "Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man. "Yes, you must do that or he'll die." He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So, what did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die, mate. You're gonna die."
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An elementary school teacher asked her class to tell a story that had a moral to it. A little boy raised his hand and told a story about a farmer who took his eggs to market. The farmer put all of the eggs in one crate and unfortunately when his truck hit a large bump in the road, the crate fell off the back of the truck and all of the eggs were broken. The moral to the story: Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
A little girl then raised her hand and told a story about another farmer who made his financial projections based on the number of chickens that he thought he was going to have. Unfortunately, not all of the eggs hatched so he didn't have as many chickens as he thought. All of his projections went awry. Moral to the story: Don't count your chickens before the eggs are hatched.
Next a little boy raised his hand and told a story about his Uncle Ted, who was a fighter pilot during the Vietnam War. While flying behind enemy lines, Ted's plane was shot down. Before ejecting from the cockpit, Ted was able to grab a machine gun, a machete and a six pack of beer. While descending to earth in his parachute, Ted drank the six pack. After hitting the ground, Ted found himself surrounded by 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He killed the first 70 with the machine gun before he ran out of bullets. He then hacked the next 20 to death with the machete before the blade broke. He killed the last 10 with his bare hands. Somewhat horrified, the teacher asked the student what could possibly be the moral to this story, to which the little boy replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's drunk."
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A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
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A penguin is driving down the road when his car starts to give him all kinds of trouble...the engine sputters, steam pours out of his hood and there's fluids pouring out on the road. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic tells him it'll be at least a half-hour until he can even tell him what the problem is. The penguin walks around, has a cup of coffee and then comes across an ice cream shop, where he orders a double vanilla cone, getting it all over his face. He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and tells him "Looks like you've blown a seal." The penguin says "No! Really, I just had an ice cream cone!"
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What do all Tickle Me Elmo dolls get before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
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11 Reasons Why e-mail is like a Penis:
1. Some folks have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think that it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it. (e-mail envy)
6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.
7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
10. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrants.
11. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
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Golf Tips
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says, "nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"
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One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy you have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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