Who is Paula?
In General I am ... (as of 03 Nov 1998)

I am Paula . . . a third-generation (Sansei) Japanese-American, born and raised in the Pacific Northwest. My current career path has me working with documentation software, which provides the means to pursue my true passion of enjoying the natural outdoors. I enjoy being creative, love my close and dear friends, cherish watching my children grow and embrace my journey of "becoming Real" and living a rewarding and purposeful life.

I was born under the star sign, Leo, in the Chinese year of the Ram, 1955 (I know, a lady never reveals her age, but I have never been one to follow rules for the sake of following rules ). My Meyers/Briggs archetype is INFP; from the COGIATI, androgyne and I am a Strong Femme based on the Butch/Femme test. I am shy, introverted, very contemplative, compassionate, empathic, humanistic, creative, a caring parent, playful, child-like, idealistic.

I am Married . . . we have a beautiful son, her first, my second. I have a daughter from a previous marriage (way back when I was 19), she is grown and graduated from college. I am not out to my daughter, but I am to my spouse, who has been as supportive as she is able, allowing me pretty much full freedom as I continue to explore who Paula is. We have our issues, as most couples do - communication; time away from the pressures of work, family, life; child raising; in addition to the gender issues.

We do not know where or how we will end up. I struggle with how much being me has such an impact on my family. I have thought about how others might react and treat them because of me. How will my son be treated by his friends or school mates? What will his reaction be when he learns that one of his parents is not like any other dad? How will the neighbors react and will they treat my family differently?

I am Transgendered . . . at odds with who I am inside and with who society says I am suppose to be because of my outside. I have struggled for as long as I can remember, but only recently have I begun the journey to wholeness and inner peace. I do not live full-time, outwardly, but I have slowly integrated many aspects into daily living. I have many expressions and a diversity of interests that continually challenge the definitions of female and male. I chose the alias, RainbowGyrl, because the rainbow symbolizes my view of gender, sexuality and life. I cannot truly describe who I am only using either female or male, sort of like trying to describe color using only the terms black and white.

Am I a woman trapped in a man's body? I do not have that feeling. What exactly does being a woman feel like? What does being a woman mean? How does one really know when one is female or male? Without referencing the physical body, how can you describe why one feels they are female or male? So many questions with no answers ..... except that I just feel this way.

In my short (since 2/97 to 11/98), focused exploration I have learned that I just am. I stopped thinking I had to understand gender expression and that I had to fit somewhere quite a while ago. I have watched women and men, I have read stories, surfed the web, taken surveys and tests. I have learned so much, opened my eyes to a bigger world beyond transgenderism. I have also touched others, bringing new ways of looking at their world and their perceptions of what gender is. We spend so much time "understanding" things, analyzing, testing, breaking down to prove that something (or one) exists. Until proven, it cannot be. Some say, "I just don't understand how you could be ..." The issue is not about understanding, the real issue is about allowing each person their own unique expression of who they are, whether it is in expressing gender, art, music, life-style.

Gender is what you feel inside

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