Who is Paula?
Into the Future I am ... (as of 03 Nov 1998)

I offer acknowledgments . . . before I share some of my stories, I would like to honor the following people who have been so supportive, understanding, encouraging and open. I use initials here, unless I have been given their permission to use their names. I have started an online Thank You card that will continue to grow. I am very happy to find so many wonderful friends stay with me after I have come out to them. (In some ways, this is also a small list of those I have come out to as of 28 May 1998.)

• My Wife, E., who has allowed me to freely express myself. She has allowed me to be out of the closet at home, around our son and given her acknowledgments. I appreciate her very much for this, especially knowing the impact this has had on our lives and how this changes the image of "the man she married."



• My Soul Friends, Terrance & Jane, who have given their support, understanding and their own stories to me. Our friendship continues because the person I am is still the same. They shared their understandings and mis-understandings and they and I continue to grow in our view of ourselves as a whole and gender in part.



• My TG Friends, M., F., A., Marsha and Jean, who have shared their lives with me. While they all share a "non-typical" expression of gender, they each have their own, unique, personal stories and journey's. In knowing them I have increased knowing myself. (the people I meet grows each day and I cherish these new friends)



• My Electrologist, Patti, what a warm, wonderful human being. She has opened many doors for me, introducing me to people and places. She has been a hub for me in connecting with the TG community and others.



• My Others, TB, my massage therapist; KF, my chiropractor; JG, my stylist; M&D, E.'s friends; JL and LE, my therapists; Dr.s LD and JW, internal medicine. Most had known me before and continue to support and treat me with respect and dignity.

I build confidence . . . each trip out in the world has helped me to chip away at the wall of guilt, shame and fear of humiliation; replacing them with self-acceptance, self-assurance and freedom. Sometimes I look back and think, there was not really anything to worry about, but I also know how strong my own inner reactions can be. In all of my outings, I have so far not had anyone say anything or react anywhere close to what my mind had envisioned. Each positive and/or accepting gesture helps to build up my own self-worthiness. Each time I am acknowledged as Paula brings validation of who I am and how I would like to be accepted.

I step outside . . . my first time out was at night and in my own backyard. The inner joy I felt was so wonderful. Imagine the image of someone locked away in a dark cell for many months, then finally the door opens and they are led out into fresh air and light. I took deep breaths, turned around, walked across the yard as if for the first time.

My next step was to go for night-time drives - what a new experience to drive with heels. First, I had to get to the car - our house is perched above street level and the car is parked on the street. I take a very deep breath and exhale, my left-brain saying "most people do not pay attention beyond 3 feet from their own world. Plus, your in a car where they cannot see much anyway." My right-brain was saying "I'm really afraid of being "caught" and someone noticing there is a guy in a dress driving that car." I find a place to stop, to get out and walk a little - what a wonderful, wonderful feeling.

I step into work . . . I want to see and experience more, but where, how? I keep thinking, if I only had someone else to go out with... My next outing choice is probably not most people's first choice, work. I go on a Sunday, when there is the lowest possibility of anyone I know seeing me. My days are filled with my gender thoughts and work is no exception. I am experiencing what I have often day-dreamed about, being at work as me. I do this 3 times, each time a few more people, who I do not recognize, are in the same area. I start feeling like the risk is increasing, so I decide work at this point, is no longer a place to go out to.

T&J meet Paula . . . On one work occassion I call on my friends T&J, to see if I can change my clothes at their place. They are looking forward to meeting me in person for the first time, they had only seen pictures. I make the 24 mile drive from work to their place. I walk up their driveway, a bit nervous since I also know their neighbor and her house is right there along the driveway, windows and all. T&J are very happy to see me and they give me a lot of confidence-boosting compliments. We talk for a long time about my transgender journey and J, who works in the women's health field, shares a lot about the women she sees in her practice. Every time we get together, we seem to draw closer together as friends.

In the fall of 1997 I stayed with T&J for two weeks. We really cherished that time together. We were able to work in what was going on in our lives in between their very busy schedules (they have to be the most schedully filled up people I know). I was able to dress as much as I like, I even went downtown to my therapist appointments - both of whom were also impressed with my appearance and my demeanor. J and I had one evening of just the girls, when T had to go out of town on business. They regularly offer their space to me if I need a place to chill.

I have my moments . . . I have been walking on short trips around home when I felt there would a very low chance of running into neighbors. I have gone to visit my TG friends. I have also had some unexpected encounters which turned out okay.

• I was locked out of my hotel room one night, I was never so upset about modern electronics. My key card shut down. This was about 10:30pm and I just returned from a drive. After many, many tries hoping the key would work, I faced reality - I was going to have to go to the office and get another key. I took a very deep breath and walked the 1/2 block to the office, had to buzz the security intercom, then entered. The woman at the desk was most helpful and did not even bat an eye. I said, "I'm so embarrasssed, I cannot get into my room." She merely said that no problem, the keys regularly get de-magnitized if carried next to credit cards. She looked at my ID to confirm I was the one who rented the room and I got my re-coded key.

  As I left the office a tow truck drove up and the driver yelled out, "Excuse me miss, is this address xxxxx?" I said I wasn't sure just as whoever called him came out into the parking lot. That little bit of acknowledgment more than made up for the previous key episode.

• At the same hotel, I was out in the grass area walking in the afternoon and the security guard came and asked if I was a guest. I was so nervous it took me several tries to remember what my room number was. He seemed to look at me a bit questioningly, but I am not sure. A few moments later he asked if I had seen a small child, to which I responded no --- whew!

I experience Halloween . . . having read so many stories from others about using Halloween to be out in the world I talked with J and she highly encouraged me to take advantage. She said she would be thrilled to go out, since she does not get the opportunity herself. I spend some time thinking about what to dress up as, what could I do that would be a costume based on a woman, not a man dressing up as a woman? A "bad" good witch, a "bad" bad witch? I could not find some of the things I pictured in my mind. I did find a nice veloury dress at "The Big Bang" (unfortunately no longer in business). So I decided to use that dress as the foundation. So after many trips to many stores, I assembled my "Black Widow" costume. Not elaborate, just little details. The black mini dress, a black and white choker-collor, belt, very large white striped black spider mounted to the belt, red-black nail polish and lipstick, black eye shadow, spider hoisery, suede pumps and the obigatory gold-plated skeleton earrings.

I was so sad when our 11 month old son first saw me, he became scared. I think the very dark eyes were the problem for him, since other than that he as seen me in all my forms. After about 45 minutes to an hour, he finally realized it was me and was okay. My wife was pretty amazed at how I looked as well. (The night before I had gone to a TransPort gathering with a friend, dressed mostly the same, less eye shadow) The real surprise came when another female friend, F, came by. She had asked J if she could come along, and J had asked me if it was okay. I am not out to F, but I figured if it came up I could probably deal with it, but the subject never really came up that night. Anyway, when F saw me her eyes got really big and she said, "Whoa!" After some visiting, we left for J's. She was dressed as "my date," a construction worker. She had her hair tied back, mascara smudge for a beard shadow, jeans, boots and tool belt. We spent the night down at Embers Avenue dancing and watching and dancing and watching. This was my first time there as well as J's. We intended on staying only for a couple hours, but didn't leave till 1:30-2:00am. I had so much fun! And J did too, we both agreed that we should do this again. Later, T&J said that F was very impressed with my "costume" and the amount of effort I put into it. We smiled.

I androgynize . . . life has become busy, between work and parenting there is little time left to fully become. Some of what I would wear does not hold up well playing with a very active child. But I also know that who I feel inside goes well beyond clothes, that I wear clothes as an expression of what's inside. Over time I have very gradually reached a point where I primarily wear women's clothes. I discovered that for me, a lot the clothes actually fit and feel better. I wear jeans, turtle-necks, t-shirts, shoes; my ears are pierced (fairly so-so these days); I always have nail polish on medium length nails.

I often forget about the slightly different look of my clothes, sometimes my therapists will say something. So far only one person has said anything - the owner of my favorite coffee shop asked me who does my nails. I simply replied I do. He said he doesn't do much with his nails since his hands are always wet.

Androgony has helped a little to keep the stress from limited time as Paula lower, but it is still there. I think about it all the time, I am Paula all the time inside, and I would like to be Paula on the outside. To be treated how I feel. I have hope and my dream is still alive.

I am becoming Real ....

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