Who is Paula?
Today I am ... (as of 03 Nov 1998)

I am rebuilding my life . . . during and following a two-year, destructive relationship which left me clinically depressed and hospitalized for suicide, I came under the care of a compassionate and guiding therapist. During this time I came to really understand how significantly my current feelings were the result of how I grew up. We didn't get into my transgender behavior, but we did work a lot in the area of my relationship with my parents, especially my Dad.

Following the end of the relationship, I began rebuilding my life, meeting some new friends and taking care of myself. I spent more time involved in activities that were important to me - environmental protection/restoration, outdoor activities, my photography. During this time, I also started a new relationship which seemed much more open and communicative. We eventually married and had a baby. We had some struggles and with the new baby life became very distraught for me. I no longer saw important friends, no longer had recuperative time away in the woods and no longer had the time to unwind and retreat into my own feelings.

I rediscover me . . . to escape the world around me, I finally started to surf the web for non-work sites. I started with cross dress, transvestite, then was led to transgender and transsexual related sites. I was amazed at all the sites, companies, people; I started reading the personal stories. What I found brought back a lot of childhood memories - Oh My Goodness! So much was coming back to me -- but, oh no, I am also married again, my heart drops, how will I tell her this -- just when we are also going through some rough times as new parents.

Inspired by others, I know I must fully explore a part of me that had been so traumatically disregarded and beaten down. I choose the cover of Valentine's shopping and with high anxiety purchased some clothes. Sizes I guessed based on some catalogs' size charts. Shoes, I knew a friend of mine who wears the same size shoes, she wears a 10. Fortunately, I have purchased in women's departments before and have shopped with friends so it is a bit easier. Makeup was very hard - I knew absolutely nothing. I make several purchases and trips to the local drug store.

Paula comes out . . . The first time I fully dressed (no wig or makeup yet) was February 1997. I was nervous, excited, scared to death of being caught. What a wonderful feeling - my own clothes. The first time I added the makeup and wig (April 1997), I cried. I saw someone very beautiful looking back at me in the mirror. Here was Paula for the very first time ever. I wanted to stay that way forever. I stare into the mirror, giving myself a literal and emotional hug - I feel tremendous sadness that it has taken so long to let Paula come out. I promise not to push her back in. Every chance I got, I went to the basement and dressed as much as time would allow. I would walk back and forth in front of the mirror. I would go out the basement door to the backyard and feel the air and be out as Paula.

My feelings and emotions were quite strong now, I wanted to talk to someone, but who? When we believe, things happen ... I discovered Phoenix Rising Foundation by fate. I was driving one Sunday morning and heard the end of an interview on a local radio station. I was only able to catch the part where the host asked the guest about services at a place called Phoenix Rising. The guest replied gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender resources and counseling. I made a mental note of the name. Pushing aside my fear, I called and asked for an appointment. I continue to see my therapist to deal, not with my gender, but with my own demons which keep me closeted.

I am caught, again . . . One day, just a couple months into my awakened journey, my wife found my box of makeup items. I froze, I had been wanting to tell her but hadn't yet. Her first inner reaction was another woman. She asked me whose things were these. Inside I was spinning - childhood came rushing back, my head was buzzing, I said, "mine." She looked at me, asked again. I said mine again. I then said I would like to talk to her about, but was not ready right then. My mind was spinning, I was fighting inside, the strong wish to tell her and the strong fear of shame, guilt and humiliation. Shortly, I told her about my gender issues and that I also had clothes. I also talked a little about my childhood and my current association with the gender counselor. She was greatly relieved there was not another woman. She was, and still is, very open and allows me to explore who I am. She has her grief and loss which we must yet deal with - for I am no longer the "same" man she married, I am the same person.

I am able to dress and be as I feel, for which I am very grateful and blessed. I am cautious though, as our neighbors do not know yet and all on our street are close and know each other. We have our regular struggles that all relationships have, plus those that come from parenting. I cannot, and do not try, to rush her level of acceptance -- I have lived with this issue most of my life, she has only had to deal with this for a very short time. I have come out to some of my close friends and business/professional friends. I have been very well supported and they have been truly special in their continued friendships.

I am growing . . . I love who I am and continually take away pieces of the wall of shame, guilt and humiliation, small as they are, they are coming down. This last year of my life has seem to gone so fast, and at times does not feel like I have come very far. But, I know I have - from a severe case a denial and shame to I now wear mostly feminine clothes - albeit, jeans, tshirts, turtlenecks and select shoes - every day, even to work. I have grown my fingernails and always have polish on; my hair is longer, my eyebrows plucked. I am so grateful for the people that have touched me, inspired me, and encouraged me. Several have said that I have also touched them, providing information, offering referrals to others, and broadening their view of gender.

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