Who is Paula?
Growing Up I am ... (as of 03 Nov 1998)

I am programmed . . . so much of my childhood life was received with anger, disappointment, punishment and isolation. I grew up angry, hateful, withdrawn, fearful, ashamed and self-hating. Life was very rigid in a strict, corporal punishing, disciplinarian Japanese family; the second child, number-one son. I was also raised catholic, attending catholic school for 12 years. I grew up attempting to be what I was told I should be, even if it wasn't what I wanted to be. I always, and still do today, wondered what my purpose in life was. Why was I here? Most of what interested me was put down or taken away - it just wasn't the responsible thing to do.

I am caught . . . I only remember bits and pieces of life growing up, often relying on my sister to add details or fill in gaps. I am not out to my family, yet, so I cannot ask her about some details. I do not know the age that I first ventured into my Mom's and sisters' things, but I was pretty young. I now wonder how I was able to do as much as I did, privacy was all but non-existent with 5 children in 2 bedrooms. I was caught several times, each time receiving the wrath of my Dad - more shame, guilt, humiliation. I remember the desire to have anything female was so strong that I turned to shoplifting. I would venture to the neighborhood shopping center, roam in the store, constantly checking for workers, scared, nervous; but the desire/need was so strong. I eventually was caught - I was so scared by those words, "Stop or I'll shoot." Then to have my goods taken from under my shirt at a busy intersection. My parents were so upset, the store people kept asking, "Why would he steal women's tights." I was not allowed into the stores without my parents. My parents were so ashamed of me, so embarrassed, how could they show their face in the store.

Nobody talked about this or any incident. I do not recall any of my brothers or sisters talking to me. I was taken to the county health clinic. My parents did not talk about it with me. I was not told why I was seeing the person at the clinic. I knew it was at least about the shoplifting. I was so shame and guilt-ridden I was beyond talking about it. Then this person brought in another client, I guess figuring it would be easier for me to talk if another boy was there --- wrong. I spent several weeks going and not really saying anything. I built a model while there, though. Finally, I was no longer taken, I don't remember the details but, I had won, I did not say anything, I did not humiliate myself. (An example of humiliation punishment was I had to tell my friend I was still bed-wetting. I was not allowed back in the house until I did, I felt so bad, so humiliated, embarrassed.) I was watched closely after that. I think back and wonder how much they knew - those times I would crawl into my parents bedroom at night while they were sleeping and reach into my Mom's dresser; or into my sisters' room; or when I would sneak out the window (with 2 brothers sleeping) to take my things outside.

I live in my own world . . . I remember wishing magic was real - so I could change myself. I dreamt about the magic of Jeannie in "I Dream of Jeannie" and of Samantha in "Bewitched." In the bathroom, I would stand on the edge of the tub and look in the mirror with my penis tucked under to see how I would look. I would wonder about those funny looking things - napkins and tampons and what they were for.

I had so little self by now, I pretty much stuck to mental fantasies, the occassional panty-hose, and a feeling of being alone, weird, sick, an out-cast and fearful that anyone might find out I was this perverted person. Who could love such a person? I had heard about drag queens, but I did not want to be like them. Much later I learned about "She-Males" and while I did not want to be a sex star, their portrayal intrigued me - at least they had a more feminine appearance.

I married at 19 thinking I knew what I was doing, had a daughter and divorced at 21. I vowed that I was going to remain single - I had gone through too much pain. I eventually did go out on some dates, but it was awkward and difficult. I had so little confidence and dating skill. It was so much easier for me to be friends than to ask women out. I had no male friends. During my long single-hood I lived in mental/sexual fantasy only, occassionally getting up enough nerve to buy some hoisery. I did have some long shirts that I would try and imagine were dresses. Even when living alone, I constantly feared that someone might catch me, that I would be punished, laughed at.

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