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Part II - Paradise
July 1997 - December 1997 |
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- Sep 29th
- My new MediCare card in my new name will arrive in a couple of weeks. I
changed it today. Just working through the list a little at a time.
- Oct 1st
- I've just come back from the photoshoot. I'd really forgotten what these are
like. I had to do a few when I did a short stint as a 'male' model in the late
seventies, but I had forgotten how tiring and boring they can be.
- And the makeup! Talk about caked on.. But of course they have to because the
flash zaps out any normal makeup. I don't use a lot of makeup normally as I have
relatively clear skin and I tend to think it looks awful when it cracks and has
that powdery caked look. In any case I looked like I had just been ejected from
the set of Priscilla for looking TOO much like a drag queen! But of course this
is normal for shoots..
- Then sitting and laying in extremely uncomfortable positions and having to
keep totally still with a smile fixed in place for half an hour with the
photographer nipping back and forth and moving hair, adjusting angles, snapping
a few to check the lighting and what not. And all while trying to look natural
and unforced. By the end of the three hours I really wondered how proffessional
models don't have major back problems. This is WORK.
- I suggested that because my hands haven't thinned out as much as my arms and
my face is slightly wide, he might need to use my hair to drape around my
jawline and keep my hands out of shot. He agreed, but said I had a great body
and legs and should show it off. That felt nice, but I really, really wanted him
to say my hands were ok and my jawline was fine. Rats.
- In any case there were four photos chosen out of a whole pile. I did a 'Pulp
Fiction' style pose, a 'Show em your butt' pose in the slacks, a 'Jackie O' pose
and a soft fluffy head and shoulders number.
- I hope they come out OK. I won't receive the finals for a couple of weeks
though. Sigh.
- It's evening now and I've just woken up from my afternoon nap. Sounds 'old'
doesn't it, but I really, really need it now. I've been told it's the Androcur
making me drowsy in the afternoon. It's a good thing I don't work in an office
with 9..5 hours. I get so tired around 3pm. I just have to have a little kip.
- I tried to get a nap around them, but the phone kept going every 20 minutes,
so I got cheesed off and did some work instead, then made dinner for Sis and
Hubbie. It was really irritating because I'm starting to have 'those' dreams
again. Yeooowww.
- Dreams are funny things aren't they? I had the most surreal and massively
detailed dream last night. It was so weird, but nice and filled with compassion.
Involves Velociraptors and the Amazon and me being
mum (not literally) to a bunch of baby raptors..
- Then I watched the Simpsons in the front room and began to drop off. I woke
up at 10:30pm and found that the lights and TV were off, and one of the darlings
had put a pillow under my head and placed a light blanket over me. They had even
brought my 6' cuddling pillow and I was draped around it like a honeymooner.
- Well, I get the feeling my entries are going to get increasingly mundane now
unless I suddenly get a boyfriend or win lotto. I'm finding that I'm becoming so
comfortable and normal as Kim, that my old tortured self is fading into
obscurity.
- I'm so ordinary around the shops and places and don't feel any angst or
worry. I'm truly me now and I'm happy. Is this amazing or what? I know I'll
never look like Elle or have a jet setting lifestyle. I know I probably won't
win lotto OR get a boyfriend for a long time, but I'm ok about it. I don't mean
I don't get very, very needy, it just isn't a primary focus at the moment. I
work, I cook, I watch movies, I clean, I shop and I read the paper. I'm just an
ordinary 40+ year old woman and I'm very, very happy.
- I'm finally alive.
- Oct 2nd
- I had a wonderful conversation with my old school friend. She was the one
who did the tarot reading. I sent her the October 1st diary entry and she
responded to my comment about not getting a boyfriend for a while by saying:
- "It'll be boyfriends dear, and you're in for a (pleasant, as well as a rude)
shock! Five months away by my count."
- To which I quiped:
- "Oooohh.. Makes my tummy go all warm. But I have to be realistic and not
expect much. Frankly, I'll believe it only when some guy has me pinned against a
wall with his tongue halfway down my throat and his hands up my skirt. GAWD!
Just typing that is making me squirm..."
- "And it won't be that rude. I have to admit, I'll be a bit scared, but
that's not because of 'it', but because of my rape. Sex scares me a bit. No,
I'll be honest, it scares me a lot. Even though I want it so much I find myself
gripping my 6' cuddling pillow, pushing my face into it and nearly weeping with
frustration. He'll have to be 'tender yet firm'... :-)"
- Which I think sums it up perfectly. My dreams are getting fantastically
multi-dimensional now and very, very erotic.
- I went to have my eyes checked because I'm doing so much close work with the
PC, I'm finding that my glasses just don't work anymore. The hormones have
altered the curvature of my corneas. I knew it would happen, but waited until
things got started because I also wanted nicer looking frames.
- So, anyway, I walked down the ramp to the Optometrist. He watched me walk in
(I was wearing jeans and a shirt tied at the waist) and asked me to come into
the testing room. I sat down and he asked for personal details and he asked if I
was on any medication. I said 'Androcur, Estigyn and Progynova'. He looked at me
and said:
- "Hormone Replacement Therapy? You look too young for that. Has your change
of life started early?"
- I couldn't believe my ears.
- "That's very sweet. Thankyou. But if you look closer.."
- He stared at me for a moment then his eyes opened wide and:
- "Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean.. Er.."
- I smiled and said it was perfectly ok. Perhaps HE needed glasses..
- And I found out my eyes are much better than they were before! And my
astigmatism has gone. He knew this because he could check the old lenses.
- Oct 3rd
- Went again to see the shrink. He was most interested to read my bio, so I
left him a copy. I couldn't stop talking and rabbited on about how everything
was going and generally blathered. He was smiling the whole time and when the
time was up, he suggested that I didn't need to see him so often and suggested
monthly visits. I agreed as I believe I need an independent observer in case I
start changing in some way none of the rest of us can detect.
- On the way back I went to see the boys at the company I am building demo
sites for. I was standing in their offices when one of them came in and he burst
into a sunshine smile and complimented me on my 'office' look. I suggested it
was about time we all went out for drinks and he concured. We have made plans
for next Wednesday. Knowing him, I tend to think it will get rescheduled half a
dozen times before it happens, but I'm a persistent little bitch. As I walked
back to my car, some removalists whistled at me and one made that Wrow-Wrow
sound. I smiled sweetly and started to drive off. One of them did a bullfighter
stance and swirled his jacket as I drove past.
- I then stopped in at the RTA in Cammeray to get my driving license and
registration changed. A very large lady with a booming voice and a total lack of
keyboard skills spent half an hour just figuring out how to use the terminal and
eventually handed me over to a young guy in the next cubicle. To her credit, she
only made one slip and that voice of hers carries! I know the slip caused the
guy who was doing his written test to fail, because he spent so much time
looking surreptiously at me and when the lady checked his results and said he
failed, he moaned: 'But I was so distracted.' Cool.
- The young guy was really nice and processed both requests. He used an
override of some kind so that it didn't cost anything which was really nice
because it was supposed to cost $84. When he asked me to sit at the camera, I
suddenly realised I'd been blown about a bit by the windy weather outside and
asked him if my hair was ok. He said:
- "It looks gorgeous. You look great. Take a seat."
- And I really got that he meant it. It wasn't platitudes. I sat and smiled at
the camera, and then went back. He showed me the screen and asked me if I liked
the shot. I said "Oh, yes!" and he said "It's a really good shot of you." While
he was fiddling with the machine, he added:
- "It's a pity I don't have enough time. I'd really like to sit and talk to
you. I bet you have quite a story to tell."
- I smiled at him, lifted one eyebrow and said:
- "You don't know the half of it. But don't worry, you'll get immortalised in
my autobiography."
- He laughed and said the card would be ready in a few minutes. I sat down to
wait. A very young girl was sitting next to me with her mother and the girl kept
looking at me. I turned, smiled at her and her mother. She kneeled up on the
chair and whispered in my ear:
- "Are you a boy or a girl?"
- I almost burst into laughter and smiled at the mother who looked very
embarrassed. I looked back at the girl and said:
- "Some boys grow up to be girls." and gently stroked her hair.
- She smiled at me, said "You're nice" and sat down to play with her doll. A
short time later the young guy called my name and I walked over. He handed me
the card and I was smiling so much I could hardly see. He touched my hand
lightly and said softly "Good luck." I said thankyou and started to walk out.
The mother of the little girl beckoned me and I went over.
- "Thankyou. That was very sweet of you. She is right, you are nice."
- I walked out feeling like a Billion dollars.
- When I got home, I put on some comfy clothes and sat in the front room
watching 'Withnail and I'. The hubbie came home and said there was something
special for me in the garage. I nipped over to the window and it was a brand new
wardrobe. I turned to him and said "For me?" He said that he sometimes just gets
given stuff by customers and he knew I was getting ready to move into a place of
my own at Christmas and he thought I would like it. I ran out to check it over.
It was brand new and a beautiful Mahogany colour. I ran back inside and gave him
a hug and a kiss and said thankyou. He was smiling and tried to shrug it off,
but I think he got that I was really, really thankful.
- As far as work goes, the demonstration system is getting out of control. It
doesn't quite make coffee yet, but I'm working on an interface. When I told the
'boys' what I'd added, he just shook his head and said they could never do that
much in such a short time. He also showed me a new Toshiba 740CDT laptop with
one humungous display that he said was on loan from Toshiba, but he and Dean
were going to try to talk them into letting them buy it at a big discount for
me. These guys are way cool.
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