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Part II - Paradise
July 1997 - December 1997 |
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- Oct 7th
- On Friday night we were all a bit restless and wanted to go out so my sister
called the Irishman and we all went to the Metropolis. I spent a lot of time
playing pool with one guy and these two young girls. It was great fun and they
were really nice. My sister says I make friends so easily. We chatted till the
early hours, mainly about guys of course. Like me, they think the Irishman is
very cute and that the other guy, who looks like Billy Zane, would also be a
catch. But he is in love, and is far too young for me.
- The Irishman kept coming over and talking to us and I could feel myself
arching my body towards him, touching him lightly and smiling into his eyes. It
was so automatic I couldn't help it. He is totally blind to this of course. One
of the girls, kept laughing and saying "Oooooo. You do like him, don't you?" I
had to admit I did, but pointed out that nothing could happen with me and
anybody until I have the operation.
- The other girl, was also doing the same thing, and kept following the
Irishman around and generally trying to get into his pants. She got nowhere of
course. He is so blind to this and really needs a kind of bluntness like
grabbing him by the ears and saying "Take me home now and bonk my brains out."
- I ended up leaving on my own at around midnight because Sis and hubbie had
left and the other guys where going to go home. I just didn't feel comfortable
being there on my own. Don't get me wrong about this. I don't like being alone
in any kind of bar or nightclub. I have always felt vulnerable. It wasn't
because of my transition.
- When I got home, Sis and hubbie were playing cards in the front room. I
joined them and after hubbie went to bed, my sister and I sat and talked. I had
given her a copy of my bio to read early in the week and she wanted to talk to
me about it. She really 'got real' and told me all the things I had missed out
such as the tremendous bond we had had as children. I felt so bad I just bawled
my eyes out. Then she went on to say things like:
- "Why do you even want to write about it? It's like those newsgroups and
being with those other TG people. You don't need that anymore. I know what
you've said about wanting to provide help and show that transition can work
well, but you've done that. It's over. I know how much you care about this
issue, and I know you want to help so much, but you've been doing this for
months now and its become a kind of continuous catharsis for it's own sake.
You're just over-analysing. Checking out all your thoughts and feelings against
some imaginary 'feminine' ideal. Just stop it. You don't need to do that
anymore. You're you. You're the brother I loved as a child and the wonderful
sister I love as an adult. Your outside is changing, but the warm, wonderful
human being you are inside will always be there. You don't need to check
constantly if everything is ok. You're really, really a woman now and I can't
see why you persist at trying to justify yourself. Just look at when we went
shopping! I mean the centre of Chatswood for pete's sake. Talk about
conservative. I was so apprehensive about going shopping with you, but when we
went into Portmans and I saw how comfortable you were and how all the staff just
didn't even do double-takes I realised for the first time you are really, really
a woman. I found that because I knew your old self, I still see echoes of him,
but others don't. They just see Kimberley. They don't notice your nose, your
face or your hands unless you point it out. Don't make this transgender business
your whole life. It isn't. It's a stage you're going through. You really fit
now. All our friends say it. You know they have because they've said it to your
face. Listen to them. Even the ladies at reception didn't bat an eyelid when you
came to see me that day. They said to me later about how attractive my sister
was. The guys from the office think you're the bees knees. They keep raving on
about that site you're building and how they can't wait until the deal is signed
and they can get you into the office full time. Think about that! No more
sitting at home alone with the PC. You'll be in the center of a busy office full
of people who care about you and want you to succeed. New people, bundles of
money, lots of friends and a fantastic work environment. You don't have to
justify yourself or write diary entries about how you felt or whatever. That's
all in the past. You don't need to do that sort of stuff anymore. Move on. I've
seen how you've changed just in the last few weeks. When you started this, you
went a little overboard, but now you've settled down to just being perfectly
normal. I know it's just like being a teenager again and you're fitting all of
puberty into a few weeks, but you don't have to try so hard anymore. You have
great taste in clothes, you do your makeup so well and it's so natural. Look at
how you were tonight. There we were in the middle of a crowded nightclub and you
were just you and everybody kept saying to me how they were having difficulty
even imagining you were once a guy. You felt comfortable didn't you? I know you
did. It just shone out of you. You make friends so easily, you go to the ladies
without even thinking, you are a woman! Stop it. Just stop it. Just live your
new life and stop dwelling in the past. It's like that letter you keep trying to
write to H. Just don't. You will never be able to explain yourself to
him. He's married now and it would never have worked anyway, so why persist? I
know you love him and that will never change, but just give up the idea of even
trying to explain it to him. You can't. I know you get needy and I saw how you
reacted to N, it was so natural I had to shake my head in disbelief. I
know you want a man in your life, but you haven't had anybody for so long and
it's not much longer. You won't have any trouble in that department at all.
Remember what S said? That you have a gorgeous body, a wonderful
personality, you're smart, you have a great sense of humour, you're full of
confidence, you're kind and generous, your face is changing so that you will be
quite pretty and that guys will be falling over themselves to be with you. Think
about that. Just hold on for a bit longer. And this business about your hair and
voice! Just forget it! Nobody even makes any comment about your damn voice. Stop
focusing on it. You sound perfectly ok. Ok, it's a bit deep, but it's not the
problem you keep making it out to be. Nobody notices. No-one has said anything!
And your hair. So what! There's lots of things we can do about that. Just wait
until you've been on the hormones for a while and if it is still a problem,
we'll get something done about it. And in any case, lots of woman wear wigs, so
what's the big deal! You worry about it too much."
- I cried and cried and kept saying she was right. And deep down I knew that
although I will probably always have TG friends such as my old schol friend and
so on, I do need to move on. I don't need to justify myself anymore.
- Which is all by way of saying that I'm not going to write any more diary
entries. I love my sister and I know she is right. I can feel it deep inside me.
I don't need to do this anymore. I'm letting go of the past. I'm just me now. I
guess so many of us just disappear into the crowd and I'm the next. Don't worry
for me. I'll be ok. I have my sister, my cat, my friends and my work. I'm truly
happy.
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