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Part II - Paradise
July 1997 - December 1997 |
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- Aug 17th
- Someone asked me about clothes today. For the years up until around '95 I
forced myself to keep clothes long after their 'fall-apart' date. I just
couldn't bear buying men's clothing. Around that time I started wearing jeans
and (loud) silk shirts. I like shopping for clothes and shoes. I now have an
opportunity to do it in context. And I have. My sister and I have been shopping
for a whole day! It was great. I guess (and it is a guess) that men view clothes
as things you put on because it's against the law to go out naked. That is not
the way I think. Now I can indulge and match and coordinate things. It has to
look right and feel good on.
- It's taken me nearly 30-odd years to start the process. I regret having not
taken the chance when I was 17, but my mental development was a little stunted.
I was talking to my sister and a friend of hers tonight about this. Even though
they are very, very ok about the whole situation, they can't imagine being
mystified about their own gender structure.
- I lived in Perth for far too long. I was obsessed with 'doing the right
thing' for my 'Ex and the kids. It took three years for me to get that they were
ok that I was stressed out trying to do the 'male' thing. My youngest daughter
was the first to notice that my forced male persona was dissolving under the
stress. She was the one who asked me straight out about what I was going to do.
My 'Ex and both of the girls are now almost ok with my direction. My 'Ex has
taken it as a validation of her own womanhood and we chat on the phone and talk
about her boyfriends and the like.
- Since then many, many people have said the most amazing things. For example:
- A work colleague
-
- Now remember Kim you can't get mad with anything cos' it's not considered
lady like to lose it. I get told this all the time and it pisses me off no end
!!!!
- I actually was thinking about you last night and had the intention of
calling you today.
- I miss you !!!!
- An IT manager
-
- It was satisfying that my powers of deduction were correct! Congratulations,
I can't begin to understand the pain and pressure living inside the wrong shell
could bring but I am glad that you have been able to get it all together. I hope
all goes well for you and hopefully when everything is sorted out you can make
it back to Perth.
- Hey, you still owe me a six pack of Corona!
- An MD of an ISP
-
- To be honest I had a bit of a giggle when I got your email. On Monday I was
at The Globe having coffee with my boyfriend and a friend of his R. R is
undergoing the first phase of hormone treatment. I made a comment to my
boyfriend that R reminded me of you so much. So seeing your email this morning
was mmm.... karma??
- (This was a bit of a shock for me. I have known him for around 4 years and
never guessed he was gay. He is a good friend.)
- A programmer
-
- If I say I was expecting this then I would be lying though admittedly
thought crossed my mind some time ago but I dismissed it as just jumping to
conclusions. I guess I will listen to the instinct more from now on.
- And so on. It seems that half the computing community in Perth knew about me
before I did.
- Aug 18th
- My sister is great. She got the job of G.M. of a large advertising agency
recently and is getting paid an astronomical amount of money for it. With the
impending wedding to her boyfriend it looks like she is finally getting her just
rewards. He is a wonder. He's probably the most uncomplicated man I have ever
met and has shown nothing but support and kindness towards me.
- How am I feeling? This weekend was a bit of a strange one. Then on Sunday
there was an impromptu party when some friends turned up and the whole bunch got
into the spa. I didn't, mainly because I'm very self-conscious about my body.
Even after all this time and with all the support I still feel a little isolated
from the world. I went into my room, listened to Wendy Matthews on the PC and
hugged my pillow. When they all came back I was practically dragged out of the
bedroom and my sister and I had a hug and cry session in the kitchen. Then her
friend joined in. After that things got much better. We sat in the front room
and talked till the early hours. They are all just amazing.
- My sisters friend asked me when I was going to start dressing full time. I
smiled and said that I haven't worn a stitch of mens clothing for the last year.
She laughed and said that I look so natural and feminine that she hadn't noticed
that I was wearing a blouse and slacks. She also wanted to know when I was going
to go shopping and could she come along. We ended up in my room with her
rummaging through my wardrobe and trying on shoes. When we got back to the
others they asked me what I was going to do about my voice. I suggested that my
main problem is my hair and face. Both of them both piped up and said I looked
fine, but that the hair was a problem. I'm considering going to one of those
'Ashley and Martin' type places to see what can be done. I don't really like the
idea, but I don't really want to wear a wig for the rest of my life. I then
showed them what voice training can do. I think the boyfriend was very surprised
to hear all the chest resonance disappear from my voice. My new voice still
needs training to have more 'force' and definition and I don't get much of an
opportunity to practice, but I'll get there. I'm going to see a Speech
Pathologist this Thursday for regular visits so we'll see how that turns out.
- The other thing that came up during the conversation was sex. I told them
that I chat regularly with my 'Ex and it gets me down a bit. The thing is, my
sister is getting 'it' regularly, my daughters are both bonking their brains out
and my 'Ex is joking about her love life. Arrrgghhhh. I then said that it's been
two years for me.. My sisters friend gave me a hug and said I won't have any
trouble landing someone and my sister said "We need to fix you up with someone..
er.. Male or female?" I know it will be male, but it's hard trying to explain
that to your sister. I guess I can hang on for a little longer.. Sigh.
- Do I feel more feminine? A very interesting question. I always have. I never
felt male. I don't understand men. Now, instead of forcing myself to play their
competitive games I just shrug and be myself. As far as the physical: Explicit
mode ON! I've only been taking the pills for a month and my waist has tightened,
my hips are moving out, my breasts are just beginning to grow and my nipples are
enlarging, darkening, becoming very sensitive and are erect all the time. My
sister of course had to have a peek! Even with that I still get a bit despondent
when I can't see any massive changes in my face. But that's all external. Inside
I feel the same way I have always. I can truly say I'm not male. Now what's
happening for the first time is that the one sex that I always felt a part of
are now beginning to draw me into their world. I am feeling less and less of an
outsider and much more comfortable just being me. I don't try to grit my teeth
and not cry when I see an emotional scene. I don't avoid physical contact for
fear of how others may react. I don't worry about how others feel about me
carrying a bag (albeit a generic one) and using a purse instead of a wallet. All
that's happening is that the false, forced parts of me are falling off like an
old dead skin.
- Plastic surgery on my face. Frankly I have to admit I'm a tad scared. Not
about the surgery mind, it's more that I'm scared that he will look me over and
announce that he can't do anything. That would make me cry. I know it's just a
fear and not real, but I still feel it. I think the thing that will make me more
nervous, scared and excited is going out fully 'dressed' to an interview or
something. I know I'm passable, but my old motto has always been 'Perfection
just isn't good enough'.
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