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Part II - Paradise
July 1997 - December 1997 |
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- Aug 19th
- It's really quite weird. I have now corresponded with dozens of former
co-workers via email and the phone since I began my 'change' and the amazing
thing is that without exception the response has been "Hey! I always knew
anyway.." and "About bloody time." If this had been an isolated incident I might
have thought that the person was just hiding their ignorance about things with
bravado. However, it seems that most of the computing community that I came into
contact with knew far more about me than I did.
- The rub is that my family didn't. I suppose it could be said that this is a
sign of the times, or that it is because we spend more time with co-workers than
family. I tend to think that we spend more time ducking and weaving with our
family and they all know the 'rules' that we never really get to come out from
behind our facade, whilst with co-workers we get careless and let our guard
down.
- Sad really. In any case the support from those people has been practically
overwhelming. And it's interesting to note that my history is virtually
identical to so many others worldwide that I feel almost strange about it.
Almost cheated.
- A called from the U.K. She asked me to send a letter explaining a bit more
about why I reached this decision. I cried a lot and will start writing the
letter tomorrow.
- Aug 21st
- I've realized I have started a cycle. I don't know long it is, but the
average apparently is around 20-28 days. In the last few days I've woken at
3-4am so horny I can't describe. And really erotic dreams where nothing happens,
just flirting. I asked my sister if this was normal. She laughed and said it was
for her at least, but said it only happens for about 4-5 days once a month. I
*like* these dreams. Of course, it could have been the chicken cacciatore I
made. Or maybe 2 years is too long without...
- Aug 23rd
- I'm getting serious cravings now. Wandering the house in the early hours
weakly calling 'Chocolate.. Chocolate..' I woke up very early this morning and
went into the kitchen. Not finding any Tim-Tams, and Chocolate being very thin
on the ground, I ended up making myself a whole bunch of Very Hot Salsa (natural
not the tinned kind) and sitting there eating it with Corn Chips. I didn't think
twice about it until my bleary eyed sister staggered in and asked me what the
hell I was doing. I was holding a corn chip halfway to my mouth and said "Er.
Actually I haven't the faintest idea."
- Men really don't understand cravings. I have never experienced these kind of
feelings. You do stuff and only realize when it's been pointed out. We were at
the supermarket and my sister had to drag me physically away from the
confectionery aisle. I kept saying 'But I only wanted to buy your boyfriend a
few 500gm blocks...'
- I told my shrink about my cravings for chocolate and he said he thought that
was about average. When I suggested I need to stop all the fatty foods he said
"Don't" and proceeded to suggest that I need to add a bit of 'roundness' as he
put it! I wasn't sure whether to be upset or happy! I decided that I would take
it as a sort of official go-ahead to eat that gorgeous stuff.
- Aug 24th
- My sister and her boyfriend got back at me today. She and her 'betrothed'
did some shopping and while I was sitting at the counter at home, he placed a
huge block of chocolate, a packet of Turkish delights, some chocolate dinosaurs
in front of me and they then sat down and watched me. He smiled and said 'Let's
see how long it takes'.
- Peer pressure. I lasted half an hour but I'm just finishing the block of
chocolate now. I think I'll wait till 3am to start on the Turkish delights...
- Aug 25th
- I DID have a job lined up. Several in fact. I have ample reserves to watch
and wait for a place I feel comfortable with and they feel the same way. The
original job - well, I started to get a funny feeling about it and I have a
girlfriend in the company and she agrees that it almost certainly would not work
despite what the directors say. It's not that big of a deal, I have some
contract work starting in a few days which will net me a few thousand.
- I went to see the speech therapist today. She said she had a place ready for
me, but.... Well, basically she told me to stop mucking around and go full time.
I told her the situation and she told me that she wanted to see me next week
showing I was full time or NO speech therapy. Awwwwwkk... Crunch time. She told
me that my untrained 'female' voice was just below the baseline female and that
was about ok, but I needed work on pitch and control.
- I told my sister about going full time and she said, "please - wait until
after the party.." (It's this Saturday) I made an appointment to have my
eyelashes tinted, eyebrows shaped and tinted and currently have two girlfriends
who want to go shopping with me. I *NEED* to do some serious shopping. The stuff
I have is ok for a day or so, but not 'power' office wear and not for rotations
of say 7-14 days. I also have only two pairs of suitable shoes. The rest are
evening wear. I will be taking my wig to make sure the eyebrows match.. Sigh.. I
HATE wearing a wig.
- And am I randy or what? Gack! The bed will burst into flame! I dreamt about
Sean Connery last night. What can I say. I know people will say it should be
Kevin Costner or Pierce Brosnan, but I have always had a soft spot for Mr
Connery. In the dream I was with my mother (why my mother? I don't know!) in
this hotel and I 'apparently' knew Sean for some reason or other. He was just
leaving the hotel and saw me. He came up and said 'Hello' in that beautiful
voice. He asked the concierge if there was a room were we could have a private
chat. In there he talked about a few things, then told my mother I was a
wonderful daughter and she should be proud. He was about to leave, then stopped,
turned and said 'Oh, one more thing' Then he walked over, held me close and gave
me a fantastic kiss. Needless to say I woke up in a slightly aroused (read
red-hot) state. I get a warm feeling in my tummy just rewinding the tape I've
carefully recorded in my mind.
- And about 'nothing happening down there' - guess what: I can honestly say
I've never been so horny without any physical reaction whatsoever. It's only
stopped 'moving' in the last three weeks, and I am almost beginning to forget
what it 'felt' like.
- Plastic surgery..
- My lips I think they're thin. I know I'm told they are very 'kissable' but
they don't see my face each morning in the mirror. I want to see if they can be
'puffed' up somewhat. I'm told that this is an easy, simple procedure. My nose
Or I should say, My Bus-Stop. I just hate it. I always have. It's so darn big. I
keep imagining dwarfs sheltering under it during rain. I want to see what
options I have with it. My jaw-line it's wide. I want to see if anything can be
done. This is a just a consultation and I might not do anything, but I want to
check anyway. If it's not too expensive and will make my face more feminine, I
will definitely do it. The appointment is for September the 8th.
- Cyclic moods.. It's been around ten days since my last big down when I was
crying in bed, and if my cycle IS 28 days, then I'm approaching my best uptime.
If my dreams are anything to go by, I'll be in Nirvana in a few days which is
interesting because it will coincide with full-time.
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