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Part II - Paradise
July 1997 - December 1997 |
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- Sep 5th - Morning
- I got zapped today. All the dark hairs have gone. I then came home and
plucked all those darn white ones. It took ages. $300 and I still have to go
back in two weeks for a cleanup. That's $600! It better work is all I can say.
- Something bad happened to me. Really scary. On Tuesday night I woke up in
the middle of the night with a cramp in my right calf. I didn't think much of it
even though I have never had cramp before and massaged it away. When I went out
with the girls on Wednesday one of them was talking about some of the side
effects of various hormones. She said that she smoked heavily and had got cramps
in her legs. When she spoke to the doctor he told her to quit immediately as
this was a sign that blood clots were forming and could lead to a stroke or
heart failure. She hadn't of course and had still smoked. Habits are hard to
break. That was some time ago for her.
- I thought nothing about it until last night when I woke up in the early
hours with a massive cramp in my right calf again. I also felt very weak and my
right arm was very sore. I panicked. I really thought I was going to die. My
imagination ran wild. I could see this little clot racing along my veins and up
to the heart or brain. I lay there crying and hugging my pillow for hours in
abject terror. I kept saying "Please, not now. Please, I've just started my
life, please don't" and weeping uncontrollably. I have never, ever been so
scared in my life. I even got up and practiced how long it would take to call
the ambulance and unset all the security doors. The worst of it was that I was
completely alone as my sister has gone away on her honeymoon.
- So this morning I was drained. I really didn't want to bother anybody, and I
had to go to the clinic in Edgecliff, so I just pushed the panic down and went.
My leg and arm still hurt and I kept feeling on the edge of panic all the time,
but I've always just kept going. After I got home I called the Endocrinologist
and asked him if it was significant. He paused for what seemed like hours and
said that cramps sometimes just happen and that unless my leg was really swollen
I shouldn't worry. I thought I was going to faint with relief.
- I posted a message to the TG newsgroup and the unanimous response was that
it was probably a Vitamin B deficiency, but that I would have to get used to
having cramps as they are a fact of life. I'm not sure I like the idea of having
cramps for a long time. They hurt!! And it's completely new to me. I have never,
ever had a cramp before. I was even unsure about calling it that because I have
no experience to measure the pain against. Sigh. Poor circulation. My 'Ex used
to complain about it and I never understood. Now I know.
- The funny thing is that a great source of Potassium and Vitamin B is
Bananas. What's funny about this is that I have had a craving for them for the
past week and was using 'male' logic to put off buying them until the weekend. I
shall start listening to my body much, much more carefully from now on.
- So now I'm hiding at home listening to CD's on the PC, eating chocolate and
drinking wine while I set up this demonstration web site. I tried to put some
makeup on and go to the shops because I need a few things, but I have found a
thousand excuses not to do it. With the cramp and the fear I feel so vulnerable
I'm not sure I could maintain any kind of poise at all. It seems a waste because
I spent $100 on makeup yesterday.
- And I'm so lonely.. Well, enough of that.. I'll start crying again if I
don't stop it. At least I have my boys - Fred and Brinn (the cats) who are
currently curled up in the sun on my bed. They are so cute I just want to curl
up with them.
- My muscle bulk has dropped dramatically in just eight weeks. The chunks of
meat at the end of my arms have now become much thinner and are actually
becoming graceful and my upper arms are thinning out quite a lot. The strength
has dropped a huge amount. When I used to come home from shopping, I used to
carry five or six plastic bags of groceries on each arm, but now.. Well one each
really. In the past I used to get all upset with jars that refused to open and
would use force. Now I *know* I can't open them and hand them to the nearest
male.
- Oh well, life's a bitch and then you become one.
- My tolerance to Alcohol has already dropped quite a bit. I used to drink
heavily (at least a bottle of wine plus some beers each day - and my doctor was
amazed that my liver and kidneys had textbook performance. She was also
surprised I didn't have broken veins all over my face. Mind you she was also
amazed I have good skin considering the amount of time I spent in the northern
gold-fields) but now a few glasses and I can feel my perception shifting quite
quickly. I start to smile a lot and look a bit stunned.
- Sep 5th - Late evening
- Well, I did it. I'd been so depressed and found myself procrastinating and
generally fluffing around rather than actually making a decision.
- Some time ago, a girlfriend wrote me a long and involved email which was
designed to hook into that place men have that makes them say nice things to
women rather than getting real. I read it and started to answer it in my 'old'
way, but began to feel more and more uncomfortable with the way I was not
dealing with the real issue. I sat and thought about this and realized that the
'hook' didn't exist anymore. I've changed. I found that 'before' I was not even
able to identify the issue in her life, and now I could. So I 'cut' my bullshit
response and wrote back a short email of which the essence was "CRAP! Stop being
a victim." In twenty minutes she had responded with "Oh!!! You are so right!!
Sorry for treating you like a man!"
- That was some weeks back. Today I wrote an email about my current woes to
her. I got her response. It was a carbon copy of the one I sent to her. My
response back to her was "Touche".
- So, I got ready and walked up to the stores. Nothing outrageous of course.
I'm pretty normal and basic. Just a medium length denim skirt, blouse and
jacket. I went in to the video store and dropped off 'First Wives Club' (I've
always loved Diane Keaton), then wandered around the small center looking in
windows. It's not much, but that was the absolute, very first time I have ever
been Kim in a public place. I only talked to the girl at the video store, but I
actually feel proud of myself for getting off my butt and doing it. I walked up
there holding my head down and stopping and rummaging in my bag when people
passed (we all know the tricks) but after a while I started to realize I really
didn't care. I was me. When I walked back I walked with my head up and didn't
avoid the glances of passersby. Hey, I thought, why look at my face when I have
*these* legs!
- Sep 6th - Morning
- I just rewarded myself with a big bowl of chocolate ice-cream with chocolate
topping. At this rate my size 12's won't fit anymore. I get this feeling that
since I made my decision about a year ago I've been sort of flying.. I guess
like a sky-diver. The thing is, I keep expecting the ground to break my fall but
it just hasn't happened yet.
- I was expecting a work colleague to come around today to evaluate this site
I'm building and I had to do some grocery shopping, but was putting it off with
the intention of bribing him with food to come with me. He rang once saying he
would be a little late. I hung around feeling foolish for another two hours with
food prepared and waiting to be heated. He then rang again and said he would be
at least another hour or so. My first thought was 'typical male' and moaned to
him about making some food for him. He said sorry and would call tomorrow. I
banged the food into tupperware and threw it in the fridge angrily muttering to
myself. At least I now know how my 'Ex felt when I did the same thing.
- I was so cheesed off I went to the shops myself. I didn't exactly storm into
the supermarket but I was irritated with him so I guess I just didn't care. I
wandered the aisles picking up various things, lingered too long in the
confectionery aisle again and went to the checkout. The girl didn't bat an
eyelid. I then went to get bananas (as people have suggested). The lady did a
short double-take as I smiled and paid. I then went to the news-agent to get the
paper. After that the liquor store for wine and tonic water and then walked
home.
- When I got home I realized what I had just done. A crowded shopping mall on
a Saturday! And I had just breezed through it without thinking! I suppose I
should thank 'him' for being such a prat, but he's really nice and is just a
typical computer guy. That's the reason for the ice-cream.
- Four bags of groceries carried almost a kilometer is just too much for me
now though. Hmm. Do I need a man in my life or what??? Eeeeek. What's happening
to me??? Feeling needy.... Urk.. ;-)
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