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Part II - Paradise
July 1997 - December 1997 |
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- Sep 6th - Evening
- Now I'm not religious. In fact I have actively spent most of my life 'having
a go' at the practice of calling on a divine being. But there are some times in
your life when you drink too much and well...
- I have spent most of the evening listening to CD's on the PC while watching
TV with the sound off and dancing with myself. Sade, Celene Dion, Jenny Morris,
Wendy Matthews, Alison Moyet, Carly Simon, Dionne Warwick, Dolly Parton, Dusty
Springfield, Julie Covington, Taylor Dayne, Kim Wilde, K.D.Lang, Bjork, Sophie
B. Hawkins, Toni Childs, Sinead O'Connor, Suzanne Vega, Joan Osborne, Sheryl
Crow and of all things The Blues Brothers. Yoikes. I *NEVER* used to dance. Now
I just love it. But something happened about an hour ago. I was swinging around
and doing the 'sing into the hair-brush' and 'make love to the mirror' routines
when suddenly I realized I was really, really happy.
- Tragedy!!! Yikes! Every time in the past when I've been happy something bad
happened. I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of the room and feeling
scared. I found myself looking up involuntarily and saying:
- "Urm. Please. I'm happy. This is my life and I've just started it. Please
don't stuff it up. I'm just beginning to be really happy with myself. Just don't
cause WWIII to break out or have a semi trash the house. Please, Ok?"
- Too much Vodka? Hmm...
- Sep 7th
- Well I'm still alive. And a friend sent me a really nice email with the
following 'prayer':
- Athena (goddess of m->f transsexuals) grant this Sister the common-sense
for her to realize that her happiness is in her own hands, and not in the Gods.
Iris (goddess of emotions) grant Kimberley the emotional strength to enjoy and
rejoice in herself as herself, as whole and loving person. And Persephone (queen
of the underworld) ask the aftes to weave a long and interesting life for her.
Blessed Be.
- I thought it was really nice of her and if it works I will be very happy.
- I took a Vit B supplement and ate two bananas before going to bed. I didn't
get a cramp, but you know that feeling when you know something is 'just on the
verge?' Well, My right calf was like that in the early hours. I was gentle with
it and it didn't seize up. For most of the day I have felt that funny feeling of
not being sure if it is suddenly going to 'seize'. I have some questions I need
to answer for myself:
-
- · How does the Vit B work? Does it have a threshold? Does it build up over
time or do you just have to top it up continuously? How do you know if you've
taken too much?
- · I've been eating leftovers for a week now (I'm on my own) and it mainly
consists of potato salad and vegetables. I haven't eaten meat for a week. Could
this have anything to do with the cramps? i.e. Iron deficiency?
- · I am lactose intolerant so I normally use that lactose free milk. Because
I'm on my own I have been using all the other milk in the fridge. This means all
the skim first, then onto the full cream despite the fact I end up clearing my
throat a lot. I wonder if anybody else has any problems with this and/or not
getting enough calcium?
- · Why only my right calf? Is it because it's the furthest 'large' muscle
from my heart? I think I fractured or broke a bone in my right foot a few weeks
ago and it's still a bit sore (A long walk in heels is ok, but I just have to
kick them off when I get home). Could the foot damage be associated with the
cramp?
- · Does 'bad' circulation affect the way you should sleep? I tend to cuddle
my 6' pillow until I start to drop off, then switch to arranged it in an 'L'
shape and placing my knees over the short bit and laying on my back. This eases
my back. Could this have an effect?
- Years ago I damaged both my knees by falling out of a helicopter in Germany.
At the time I didn't want to get everybody upset and said it was just from
carrying my backpack. Silly really. They are both a bit weak and I absolutely
must not sleep on my side with one knee on the other or else I will be in pain
the next day. That's why I cuddle my 6' pillow. I wonder if anybody else had
serious injuries in the past that have flared up because of the hormones? I ask
because I've broken both little toes (one twice), my left big toe, both my
little fingers, my right thumb, fractured my right arm, broken my collarbone,
cracked my hip, cracked one rib and fractured another, compressed the disks at
the base of my spine, have impacted disks between my shoulder- blades and have a
bent atlas bone. And just to forestall the 'Christ! What the hell have you been
doing' questions - it's just a life spent trying to be macho. And in any case
99% of the time it has no effect on my daily life and most people don't even
know and can't see the damage anyway..
- My scars are mercifully well hidden. A crease above my right ear from a
piece of shrapnel. Little white lines around my right thumb from jumping off a
truck and getting it caught on a bayonet. Stuff like that. Even the tracks on my
right arm from way back in the seventies have almost completely healed and are
hard to see.
- The guy who I made food for, has still not called. And he promised!!
- The food got tipped out. He just called and said he was really enjoying
himself re-wiring an office and would come around tomorrow. Re-wiring on office
on a Sunday? Rather than drinking wine and eating home cooked food with me? Just
what is it that goes through a mans mind??? A serving spoon or being pelted with
tupperware if he comes near me in the next hour or so...............
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