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Part III - Paradise Lost
December 1997 to March 1998 |
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- January 18th 1998
- I seem to be getting better, but all I want to do is hide. I've stayed in
bed all weekend and have only gone out to get a cup of tea or go to the loo.
- My sister pushed a note under the door:
- -----------
- "It seems that every time I have a deep and meaningful with you I always
talk about the negatives. You ask for feedback and I give it to you. What I fail
to do is give you the positives:
- - How I'm so proud of you.
- - How I respect and admire what you're doing.
- When we were younger (in my early teens) we had such a bond - in my head a
very real one. I said to you not long ago that I lost you and had no intention
of doing so again. Now that I've made new contact don't shut me out. Please. In
the same way I'm occassionaly open with you - please do the same for me.
- Above all things I'm like an animal with you in that I love you
unconditionally. I did before. I do now. If I've offended you forgive me. I'm
human and full of insecurities and stupidities.
- You don't have to respond to this just because I've done it - but I care so
much. Much more than I let you know because of the hardness I've built up.
- Let me share your life. We lost too much of it for such a long time. I would
love to get to know you - maybe you'd like too as well.
- Please. I love you."
- --------------
- I cried and wrote a letter back because I was still in hiding.
- --------------
- "Excuse the layout of this letter. It will ramble like crazy. I'm just sad
and old and tired and lonely and can't think straight. For the first time since
I started down this path I feel defeated. For most of my life I was horribly
uncomfortable with who I was and everybody else was comfortable with me being
that way. For the first time in my life I'm confortable with who I am and no-one
else is. I'm scared. I once wrote that this process was like free-falling and it
seemed that the ground would never arrive. Well now it has.
- I am not going to stop this process. But I think the life has been knocked
out of me. I am truely beginning to understand why so many TS people turn to
prostitution. At least they can exchange sex for love and acceptance and make
some money. I nearly did it in the seventies. Tonight I went to the 'net and
searched for support. It wasn't there.
- I am truly alone in a way that's the same for so many other TS people, but
utterly uncomprehensible to 'normal' people. I am truly an outsider. I try to
talk intelligently with other women and men but fail miserably. You said it
yourself. The men I speak to have had 20-40 years of experience at just 'being'
men. I have had virtually none. I was acting out a part. The women I speak to
have had 20-40 years of experience at just 'being' women. I've had 6 months.
When was the last time you had a dinner party where a lone 13 year old sat
amongst you trying desperately to part of the adult group and just ends up
alienating everybody? I just don't fit.
- I'm '13' in capability and when I'm 51 instead of 41 I will have progressed
to the ripe old age of '23'. I can see now that my faint dream of fitting in at
some point and just being happy with other people is exactly that. A dream. I'm
10,000 times happier than I was 'before', and I guess I have to get used to the
idea that this is as good as it gets. Reality bites.
- Of course I ask for feedback. I just can't see what I'm doing that's all.
Then I need to digest it and try to integrate it with my world view (which is,
you have to admit, a bit stunted). I also a pessimist. I just can't quite bring
myself to believe that anything good can or will ever be produced by me or
happen to me. I can't take acknowledgement and praise, but I absorb criticism
like a sponge and use it like a blunt instrument on my ego.
- I'm not shutting you out. I'm hurting and like any animal I go to ground to
lick my wounds. And I don't know how to express my pain. I don't have the social
skills to deal with it with others. In the past I would berate myself and heap
scorn on myself for being weak. I'm finding that habit very, very hard to break.
The funny thing is that you say you're hard. Well, despite the things I've done
in the past which took enormous strength, I'm really, really soft.
- I remember a lot about us in our teenage years. I felt so much for you and
loved you so much then. I wanted to be like you so much and in a way you're only
just beginning to understand. I got so jealous when you had boyfriends and hated
it when you brought them home. But even when we were together and just having
fun I was hiding. I've been hiding for so long I can't stand the light anymore.
It's almost like I find myself doing things that force people away so I can stay
in the dark. And now I'm finding I've lost the capacity to live, love and laugh.
Remember I was the one at home who always had a quip or comment to break any
impasse? I can't do that anymore. I open my mouth and find nothing but bile and
venom. It tastes so bad I just want to shut my mouth and say nothing for the
rest of my life.
- You haven't offended me. You told me the truth. I've lost my wife, my kids,
my parents, my brother and my income. I'm perilously close to losing you as well
and I've lost the faith of your hubbie and all the others. I have no place to
stay except your house so I have no 'private' place. I have no close friends. I
don't even have acquantances as every person I've tried to talk to has just
given me platitudes and I know they just can't deal with me. I have no intimate
partner. I'm broke. I have thousands of dollars worth of bills I can't pay. I'm
taking medications to change my physical appearance and that makes people around
me uncomfortable. I've had to endure going to contracting organisations who were
falling over their feet to hire me when I was my old self, but now gently
explain that despite my experience, my manners and the totally conformist way of
dressing and looking, I'm unemployable. I have had to endure going to dozens of
government departments and private companies and explain myself to total
strangers. I have to endure people getting instantly confused and uncomfortable
with me when they meet me. I have to endure people giggling at me behind my back
in the street. I have had one sexual encounter in three years and got the scare
of my life. I will have to abstain from any 'encounters' for at least three
months and take bloodtests again then to see if I'm positive. I found one man
who wanted to be with me and I 'gave' myself to him in a way men just can't
understand and he rejected me. Can you blame me for hiding? I do love you and
respect you, but I can't respond right now. I'm hurting badly. And I have to go
and see Prof S and Dr G tomorrow and suffer the indignity of explaining one
single encounter which might be with me till they nail the lid shut and set fire
to the box I'm in.
- Kim"
- ------------------------
- January 19th 1998
- I've just come back from the endocrinologist. As soon as I walked in I burst
into tears and told him the whole story. He looked at the bloodtest results made
me get undressed and examined the lesion. He smiled and asked me if I'd been
wearing jeans a lot reecently. I said "yes", and he said "And have you been
using a restraint?" "Yes" again (This is a really evil bit of satin and elastic
I have to use if I want to wear jeans or anything tight. I still haven't
'shrunk' enough to not need it). He smiled again and said I really was stressed
out because it was probably because of the elastic and was nothing to worry
about. He then said he had been working for years with transexuals and HIV+
people and I definately don't have HIV. He continued:
- "In fact, I've been wondering how long it would take you to get to this
point. The average for a TS person to reach massive depression is around 3
months. You've lasted 6. That is only a week short of the record. You're
depressed and stressed out and your body is rebelling. It seems that the more
sensitive and intelligent the person is the longer they take to get to
breakdown. It must have something to do with your inner strength. I'm going to
write you a script for Zoloft which is an anti-depressant. Don't worry, it's not
addictive. The path you've chosen is incredibly difficult. Of all the patients I
see in a year my heart goes out to people like you. You lose everything to be
who you really are. But don't lose heart, I see many TS patients years after
this point and it will work. I have faith in you."
- I cried and cried all the way home. I'm still hiding, but I do feel a bit
better. It's funny that. I've just been told that I don't have a death sentence
hanging over my head and all I feel is just a little better. I must be really,
really depressed. I'm going to bed now. I still don't want to talk to or see
people. I hope the Zoloft doesn't take too long to work.
- January 20th 1998
- Well I've been hiding in my room now for four days. I've noticed that I wait
until everybody leaves the kitchen before sneaking in, grabbing a sandwich and
nipping back to my room. This is insane. My sleep patterns are completely mucked
up. I sleep for 1 to 2 hours at a time, then lay in bed either crying or just
staring out into the dark.
- I spent about four hours early this morning talking to myself. Then today I
sat on the end of the bed and tried to work out whether to do some work or not.
That was at 10am. I finally found that I was getting hungry and looked at the
clock. It was 2pm. Sheesh I've really lost the plot. I can't believe I just sat
on the end of the bed and stared at a PC for that long and didn't even notice.
- I roused myself, had something to eat and took my pills and sat infront of
the PC. I managed to work for about an hour or so before waves of tiredness and
tears came over me and I just collapsed on the bed. This is bad. My sister says
Zoloft takes about two weeks to work. That means I'm in for a miserable time
unless I can snap out of it myself.
- January 25th 1998
- I'm still in my room. I went to a meeting on the 23rd and managed to get
through it even though I felt like running out of the room screaming. I went
home at midday and have only got out of bed since to get something to eat or go
to the loo. I don't feel hungry but I must eat something before I take my pills.
I feel like I'm automatic.
- I'm going back to bed now.
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