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Part III - Paradise Lost
December 1997 to March 1998 |
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- January 26th 1998
- My head hurts. I got invited to a housewarming yesterday. I was very
reticent about going, I guess because I felt 'delicate'. I went anyway because I
work with the guy and he is really nice. To my complete surprise, everybody was
fantastic. There were about 60 people there of which I knew only 3. I spent ages
chatting in the kitchen, but as my tolerance to alcohol has changed somewhat..
(!) I ended up getting totally plastered. My last clear memory is sitting in the
front room talking, then it gets distinctly blurry. I do remember cuddling
someone in the kitchen and waking up in someones bed though. I called the guy
this afternoon to find out what happened and at first he wouldn't tell me and
just laughed. I cajoled him to tell me and eventually he did saying he was the
one I was cuddling and it was his bed and I had just passed out. So apparently I
didn't embarrass myself or anything. Phew.
- It was a great night. I do feel a lot better (metaphorically speaking).
- January 28th 1998
- I think the Zoloft is kicking in. I am feeling much better and far less
depressed. I also got some welcome boosts. I had put my home page up on Saturday
and have had heaps of responses from around the world saying how great it is. It
doesn't look that great to me, but then I guess I'll always be a bit hard on
myself.. Then one lady asked if I wanted to be included in 'The Prettiest of the
Pretty' TS girls page and would likely be voted 'Miss February 1998' which
perked me no end! To top it off , I was dropping a video off and made a dash
across a busy street. I was wearing cut-off jeans (like shorts) and a light top.
I got a chorus of wolf whistles. I didn't believe it was for me and turned to
look and a bunch of guys in a truck waved at me. I smiled and waved back.
- I'm still finding it a bit hard to work though. I get tired and end up
staring at the screen for ages without doing anything. I think that will change
next week because, barring yet another delay, I will be officially an employee
of the firm my sis is G.M. of. I get my own desk overlooking the harbour and get
to work in air-conditioning (It's really sticky at this time of year even with
the ceiling fan on). Yoikes! You know what this means don't you... Money.. and
shopping!! Shoes! And some new tops.. But I should pay off some of my bills
first I think.. Boring.
- February 2nd 1998
- I'm much better now. I don't feel so depressed all the time. I still find it
difficult to work and am so lethargic, but the Zoloft seems to be working.
- We got invited to go out on a friends boat yesterday. It's a massive cruiser
with two bedrooms, huge galley and big rear deck. All the people there were
really good, but I still found that I had to hide in the lounge drinking wine.
There were also three young boys and a mother with 3 month old baby. I ended up
spending a lot of time with the baby of course. It was strange knowing just when
he needed feeding and so on, but I couldn't help of course and had to hand him
over to his mother. We just sat and she breast fed him and I felt tears
streaming down my face. The mother patted my knee and just smiled. She knew why
I was crying.
- Then I heard a small boys call from the loo. He was calling for his father
to help him. The loo is way down below, so no-one else but me could hear him, so
I went down. The poor little mite had decided to go on his own and was stymied
by the need to wipe himself and couldn't. So I helped him clean himself and get
drssed again, then showed him how to flush the thing. When I came back up, the
mother looked at me, smiled and said "Thankyou."
- Later on, while the others were jumping off the roof of the boat into the
water, I sat with the baby and played with him. I just felt so good. Even when
he threw up on me it was ok. Then my sister came in. She looked at me bouncing
the baby and talking to him, and she shook her head and said:
- "No way. No way! If father wants his line continued he's going to have to do
it himself. I am not being a surrogate mother!"
- I just looked at her, smiled and turned the bay to her. I put on my best 'Ah
please..' look and said:
- "But I'd be a good mother.."
- Sis went "Arrrghhh!" and ran out saying "No way! No way!"
- Later on when we had put the baby to bed I went out into the sun. The two
boys were playing on the foredeck and I watched them. One turned to be and said:
- "Are you a boy or a girl? You've got a boys voice but you're a girl!"
- I just smiled and said:
- "Oh, I'm definately a girl.. And I've had this voice my whole life"
- They looked quizically at me, but then got engrossed in something else.
- It was a good day even though I cried a lot.
- February 7th, 1998
- I went into town today to do a few things and on the way back stopped at a
petrol station to get some cigarettes. When I got out of the car, I had to weave
between two huge motorcycles to get to the service area. I entered and went to
the counter.
- Before I had opened my mouth, two extremely large bikies came up behind me
and one whispered in my ear: "How's about it luv?" and grabbed my breast. I gave
them a hostile stare and turned back to the counter. After I amde my purchase, I
turned to leave and found my way blocked. I said "Excuse me" and they parted
just enough for me to squeeze through. One of them poked at my breasts (which
hurt) and asked if they were real. He then encircled my waist and said "Let's
fuck the poof" to his mate.
- I ran. I got to my car, jumped in, locked the door and sat shivering with
fear for a moment. Before I could turn the motor on, they came out and hammered
on my windshield and sat on the hood screaming obscenities at me. I revved the
engine and forced them away by driving out.
- During this whole process, the other people at the station (some 15 or so)
just stood and watched.
- I raced off down Victoria road in a panic. To my horror, they had jumped on
their bikes and were following me. They weaved in front of me, shouted at me and
banged on my window.
- After 15 terrified minutes I managed to lose them by quickly turning down a
side street and shooting into someones garage. When I had got control of my
nerves and had stopped crying, I backed the car out and drove home.
- Not nice. Can it get any worse.
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