Personal Details
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Details
Experience
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Employment History
Strengths and Weaknesses
My Diary
Purgatory
Paradise
Paradise Lost
Paradise Regained
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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- 1975 - Age 19
- Early in that year I ran away. I told my parents I was going to hitchhike
around Australia. I hitched North and managed to get on a boat going to
Malaysia. I didn't have a passport or papers, but I was convinced I could make
it and get to England where I thought everything would be alright. When the boat
got to Malaysia I talked the skipper of a small trawler into taking me further
north. He agreed, took my money and I got on the boat. The next morning I awoke
and looked out of the boat. Everybody had gone, but something was wrong. The
shore was on the wrong side of the boat. I got up and jumped onto the shore.
There was a small deserted village and I wandered about trying to find someone.
Then there were a lot of cracking noises and it seemed like the air was full of
bees. In shock I realized I was being fired at. The knowledge I had gained
playing those stupid games saved my life then. I scarpered into the jungle. Then
I heard the boat leaving.
- I waited and then some very scrappy looking asian soldiers with red head
bands came into the village. I laid low while they torched it.
- For the next week or so I wandered through the jungle heading vaguely
south-east. I stumbled upon a firebase and was scooped up by the soldiers. They
were Cambodian. At least I knew where I was. I had become very sick with fever.
Years later I found out that this fever was Malaria. They spoke virtually no
English, but there was an American 'adviser' there who spent a lot of time
trying to get me out of the place. The choppers couldn't get in because of
ground fire and in the end we made our way further south-east to avoid the
rapidly advancing Khmer Rouge. It was like a weird fantasy during the day and
sheer hell at night.
- The air would be filled with shouts, taunts, tracer and flares. The inside
of the camp was completely degenerate. Half the troops were taking drugs and I
ended up doing that as well. Sometimes young girls would come in from
surrounding villages to be prostitutes for the soldiers and that was really
Dantesque! These girls laying on sand-bags with a queue of soldiers, laughing
and joking with shells going off and lit by the nightmarish glow of flares.
Several of the soldiers, and especially one nasty character who was in the
'rangers' as they called it, kept trying to get me drunk and I know exactly why.
I resisted and managed to keep his intentions at a distance the whole time until
he was killed.
- I had to fight. If I didn't I would have been killed. I hated it and will
never in my life forgive myself for what I did, despite the fact I had to.
- In the end the whole troop disbanded and headed into South Vietnam trying to
escape. I made it to a town called Long Xuyen and managed to talk my way onto an
American plane ferrying civilians out. I was taken first to Guam and then to
Richmond west of Sydney. I signed a non-disclosure document and was given a bus
ticket for Perth. That was April 1975.
- By now I was on a very slippery slope downwards. Drugs and the wrong people
were eating away at me. It was so easy to get them and they made me forget who I
was. I took everything I could buy and did without food to buy stuff. I lived in
a small broken down house with some other people and one guy there was really
cool. He used to sit with me and talk about politics and philosophy and things.
Then one day he staggered into my room and collapsed on the floor. I rushed over
and turned him over. His pupils were wide and the whites of his eyes were all
red. He lay in my lap loking up at me and just gasped a bit. I didn't know what
to do. He was trying to say something to me and I put my face close to his and
he whispered "I love you." I sat bolt upright and looked down at him. I felt
very confused. He tried to reach for me but was so weak. I could feel myself
starting to cry. Then he went very quiet and still. I sat for a while with him
before I realised he had died. The tears dripped down my face and onto his. I
leaned down and kissed him on the forehead and laid his head gently down. The
ambulance took ages to arrive and they just put him in a bodybag and took him
away.
- I decided to get off drugs and the easiest way seemed to be
to get away from Perth. I tried to talk to mother about it then, but it didn't
work out, so I guess I chose the U.K. and my extended family because I somehow
felt they might hear me. I worked hard and made enough for the fare. When I told
my parents I was going to travel in Europe, my father burst into laughter. He
said I would never make it out the door because I was such a weak willed ponce.
I didn't mention where I had just been and was determined to prove him wrong.
- I had got a cheap fare and the first leg was to Singapore. An overnight stay
and then a plane to Dubai, then Frankfurt and London. When I got to the airport
they said that the plane for Dubai was full and they would get me to Dubai via
Columbo. When I got to Columbo, the airline said they didn't know anything about
how to get me to Dubai. I sat four hours in the tin hut sweating until they
managed to get me on a plane to New Delhi. It was a local airline and smelled of
curry and body odour. The Indian chap who sat next to me kept telling me how he
loved to make love to boys and kept touching me. I spent the whole time very
nervous and was glad to reach New Delhi. As the plane came in to land, I looked
out and saw the slums that reached for miles right up to the airport fence. I
couldn't believe so many people could be so poor. It was heart wrenching to see
children and babies playing in the mud. I spent another few hours waiting for a
plane. They put me on another local one to Karachi. This was worse than the
other. The panels were falling off and my seat was broken. It kept falling back
into the person behind me. At Karachi I was escorted off the plane by some
soldiers and strip searched. They poked things into me and I just stood there
feeling murderous. When they finished, I had to sit in another very hot tin hut
until they could put me on another plane. This time it got to Dubai.
- At Dubai, I spoke to a nice lady and asked were my luggage was. She said she
had no idea and spent several minutes trying to track it down using the
computer. In the end, she said she thought it was in Frankfurt waiting for me.
She found a place on a British Airways Jumbo going to Frankfurt and then to
London. I thanked her profusely and sat to wait. By then I had been awake some
24 hours and needed a shower badly. I was covered in sweat and my T-Shirt was
stuck to my body. I must have smelt awful. When I finally managed to get onto
the plane, I had to sit next to a very fat Scotsman who plyed me with Scotch. I
thought "What the hell" and drank with him. At Frankfurt I not only smelt and
looked bad, but I was partially drunk. The airline people said that I couldn't
fly onto London on that plane. I had to walk for what seemed like miles to get
to another airline desk. The lady there said she had got me on a plane to
London, but that it wouldn't be confirmed for at least another 5 hours. I sat
across the from the desk and dozed. When the time got close, I managed to drag
myself to my feet and went to speak to the lady. She was not about so I talked
to another lady. She was mystified and said that the previous lady had left and
gone home and that there didn't seem to be any record of me being placed on a
flight. I looked at her and said "I know I look a mess. I know I smell. I've
been to half the worlds airports trying to get to London and just about
everything that can go wrong has. I've been awake now for over 36 hours. Please,
I'm asking as a fellow human being, please get me to London." She smiled and
after some fiddling managed to find a seat on a plane leaving in 2 hours. I
thanked her profusely and sat down to wait. I finally managed to get on that
plane. It was a British Airways shuttle and filled with business people in
suits. I pity the people who had to sit next to me. I spent a lot of time
apologizing to them for my state.
- The plane was scheduled to go to Gatwick, but was diverted to Heathrow
because of bad weather. I finally staggered off the plane and went in search of
my luggage. I found out that it had gone from Singapore to Dubai, then
Frankfurt, then to Karachi to meet me, but missed and was sent back to
Frankfurt. To my amazement, it was on the shuttle I had flown over on. I went to
the baggage carousels. Sitting on the edge I waited. All the other people had
gone and a single sneaker came down the chute. I watched it go right round and
sighed. When it came back I picked it up and placed it on the floor next to me.
Over the next ten minutes or so, my luggage arrived in bits and pieces.
Eventually the backpack itself came down and I repacked it.
- Going through customs was interesting. I really didn't have anything to
declare and staggered past the two way mirrors and just waved. I went straight
to the toilet with two guys in black tailing me. I went inside, sat down and did
my business. When I came out one of them was leaning nonchalantly against the
wall. I walked up to him and said: "Look. I'm not a drug smuggler, I'm just
tired. I've been awake for far, far too long and have lost about 50 pounds by
sweating in bad airports. I'm about to get undressed and wash myself and put on
some clean clothes, the first for three days. If you want to watch, you're
welcome, but don't give me a hard time please." He raised his eyebrows, smiled
and left.
- So. I had arrived in England. In spite of the trials I had made it. Now to
get to my Aunt and Uncle and try to talk to them. It took another 6 hours to get
there, and they had all gone out. After all, I was over 2 days late! I wanted to
talk to them, but I found that the words wouldn't come. I really was weak. I
left to travel in Europe. I went to Germany first and got involved with some
American soldiers and ended up on the Frankfurt airbase. They took me in a
chopper over the Fulda Gap and down the border. When we got back I was very sick
and leaned out of the door. The chopper moved suddenly and I fell out. It was a
long way down, but I landed in some mud but I hurt my back and knees badly. I
was escorted off the base by the MPs.
- Then I went to France. I stayed in a little hotel near Mont Marte. It was
great. There were paintings and people didn't seem to mind how you were. I spent
a lot of time sitting in Cafes and talking.
- Then when I was Italy, I was with two Portuguese hitch-hikers and we were
waiting for a train in Milan. Two Arabic looking men came over and asked me if I
would sleep with them for money. They had thousands of American dollars and were
very persistent. We had to run a lot and hide to get away from them and laughed
about it afterwards, but I have to admit that just for a moment, I had thought
about saying yes just to have the money.
- When I got back to England I spent time with my aunt, uncle, K and A, but in
the end I found the training I had given myself was so strong and the fear of
causing anybody else any bother, especially those who I love, was so strong that
I couldn't bring myself to say anything except obtusely. In dejection I came to
some sort of defeatist end and came back to Perth.
- I started continuous therapy about then. I wanted to talk to the shrinks
about the previous shrink and what he had said, but by then I was into some
serious denial and couldn't. I think I was still traumatised by the Asian
experience as well. It was hell paying for therapy and not talking about what
you really want to. I just kept trying to convince them I was very, very sick
and needed putting away. I just kept holding my hope and the card with the name
and number and was waiting until I had the courage to do something about it.
- I even started driving nightshift on cabs to make myself even more
invisible. I have started taking drugs again. They make the pain go away. Then
an incident made me give them up forever. I had gone to a nightclub to buy stuff
and drove to a desrted alley and shot up. I started to get really bad
hallucinations and the wire fence across from me suddenly became a spiders web
and there were thousands of big hairy spiders on it. They turned their eyes to
me and started coming down the web and across the alley. I was laying on the
ground next to my cab and I just couldn't move. I screamed and screamed, but
they wouldn't stop. I passed out. When I woke up I had thrown up all over myself
and I was covered in deep scratches and cuts and my clothes were torn to pieces.
My fingernails were all broken and bleeding and I realised I had literally
scratched myself to pieces trying to get the spiders off. I swore I would never
take drugs again.
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