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Purgatory
Paradise
Paradise Lost
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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- 1976 - Age 20
- I am living on my own now and living a complete dual life. At home I am this
other person, made up, dressed up and living in terror for the knock on the
door. Outside I am this very angry, depressed and sad young man that nobody
wants or would want. Sometimes I get dressed up and go for a drive through the
city. Each time I promise myself I will stop and go into a cafe or something,
but I never do. I just drive and watch the people and wish I could be normal and
happy like them.
- I cracked one day and rang the number and asked for the first shrink. The
one who had said I was a transexual and offered me the hormone program. They
told me he had left the clinic and they did not do that kind of counselling
anymore. I put the phone down.
- Another suicide attempt. I drove my car out of the carpark at high speed
onto a major road without looking. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and
trying to get other cars to crash into me. Several red lights later I was still
alive, but doing 80-90mph through North Perth. I was stopped by the police and
after collapsing in a ragged heap and sobbing uncontrollably, they locked the
car and took me to Graylands Hospital.
- I stayed for several days and talked for hours to various doctors. They put
me on an anti-depressant and sent me home.
- I drove nightshift cabs again and met a gorgeous young woman who was a
call-girl - 'Judy'. Quite beautiful, smart and with a quick tongue. We struck up
a good friendship and one night after we had known each other for six months,
she asked me to take her home. This is quite unusual, as the Madam normally does
this to protect the girls anonymity. We drove to her place and went inside. We
sat, drank brandy and played chess. I lost. Then she took me to bed. I was very
reluctant, but she was very insistent. It was then that I found out she was a
pre-op TS. She was horrified that I didn't know and burst into tears. We didn't
'do' anything. We held each other and talked until dawn with me comforting her.
- I left my apartment and moved in with her. She said I was obviously TS and
wanted me to dress full time and follow her path. I was scared witless the first
time, but after a few days I found a freedom and relaxation I had never
experienced. There were parties and I found myself being talked to by a great
deal of men. I loved flirting with them. I just felt so comfortable and alive.
- I had my first sexual experience then. This very cute guy had been talking
with me for some time on the balcony. When I rebuffed him with a smile and just
let him hold me, he turned my face and kissed me. It was heaven. I melted. I
felt light as a feather and wanted more. He led me upstairs and we lay on the
bed kissing. I couldn't help myself from opening his pants. I was entranced by
him and gave him a blow job without even thinking. The feeling of wonder and joy
at him squirming and tugging at me was unbelievable. When he came I didn't want
it to stop. I clawed my way up him and pulled at him to f*ck me. He just lay
there panting. Then he looked at me and asked "Where did you learn that!" I
shrugged and smiled. "First time." He kissed me and said "You're a natural". He
then started to drift off. I just lay next to him feeling his body next to mine
and listening to his breathing. I drifted off to sleep wishing it was H.
- The parties and my living fulltime continued, but one day after a month or
so I got up and started doing my makeup. Then I had a panic attack. I just
thought "Too fast, too easy, too wonderful.." and I just knew something bad was
going to happen. I grabbed the hated boy clothes and ran. I went back to driving
cabs. For a week, Judy called for my cab asking for me to pick her up, but I
always made excuses because I didn't want to face her. Then on a Saturday I
started feeling very sick and knew I had to face her. So I drove to her place
and was surprised to see the place closed up and locked. I suddenly had a
incredible sense of a major calamity. I raced around to the 'house' and spoke to
the madam. She drew me into her office, sat me down with a scotch and told me
that Judy had been killed in a car accident involving a taxi the previous
evening. I think I died that night too. Goodbye Judy. You were a good friend.
I'm sorry for treating you badly.
- All I could think of was that it was my fault. Every time I started to get
something for me and liked it, something bad happened to someone I cared about.
I sat for a long time in her office staring at the carpet and sobbing. The madam
and some of the girls I knew came in and sat with me. They offered to let me
stay there with them and keep on down the path that Judy had started. They kept
saying "Do it for yourself and for Judys memory." I looked at them and how nice
they had been to me and how easy it would be to continue and end up like them.
They had heaps of money and always wore beautiful clothes and had lots of
parties. It would mean having sex with lots of men, but at least I'd be happy.
Then I thought that I wasn't strong enough. I told them how weak I was and how I
had to accept the punishment that a vengeful god had handed out to me. We all
cried for a long time. Then I went home.
- I received my punishment earlier than I expected. The following weekend I
picked up four guys who wanted to get taken to a park in Fremantle. You get a
lot of odd requests on nightshift so I thought nothing about it. I drove them
there and when we arrived and stopped, they jumped out. I thought they were
running off, so I jumped out of the cab. Before I knew it I had been tied up and
gagged. I was dragged into the park and tied to a tree with my arms around the
base with me on my knees. They undid my jeans and dragged them off me. When they
saw I was wearing knickers, they laughed and joked about them. I burned with a
need to kill them, but I couldn't move. They then took turns raping me. The pain
was indescribable. I couldn't scream or even struggle. They just kept doing it
to me and saying "You know you want it bitch" and so on.
- Eventually they left. After an agonizing hour I managed to get myself free
and walked painfully to the police station. The desk Sargent listened and
smirked. The other policemen were laughing in the background. A police woman
took me aside and gave me a cup of tea. I asked her what could be done. I looked
a mess. My cheeks were swollen and sore from the gag, tears streaming down my
face, ripped shirt, bruises around my wrists, grazed knees and I was covered in
dirt. She comforted me but simply said the chance of a conviction was nil. She
said I would have to take the stand, and given my manicured fingernails, shaped
brows, long hair and mannerisms, the defense wouldn't have much of a job to get
them off. And the kind of comments I received from the other police was about
normal and I would have to expect that.
- I walked out, found my cab and drove painfully home. On the way I stopped at
a couple of places and when I got home, I pulled the blinds down, turned off the
lights and took the assortment of drugs and booze into the front room and began
using them. At one stage I crawled into a closet and just huddled in a corner
crying and rocking.
- Two days later I emerged into daylight and watched the sunrise in a bleary
state. I had no strength to shout so I just whispered "Well. That's it. This is
your life. You've been condignly punished. Accept it. This is your life. You
can't win, you can't break even and you can't get out of the game."
- Later that year H came to see me and said he was going to hitchhike around
Australia and would I like to come too. I leapt at the chance. We had a great
time and I loved being with him. When we got to Sydney, we stayed with his aunt.
She spoke Dutch most of the time and I had to learn enough to understand her. H
taught me. It was wonderful. We stayed in a little granny flat at the back of
her house and he would sit and teach me. I liked to sit and listen to him and
try out this new language. I still kept feeling like I wanted to hold him and
kiss him but I never said anything. I would lay in my bed and drift off to sleep
wishing he would come to me.
- When we were in Victoria, we went to Mount Hotham to trek across it. At the
ranger station, they told us which tracks to take, what to do in emergencies and
so on and to call as soon as we had reached the other side. At the end, the
ranger asked us if we knew what to do in case of hypothermia. We said no, and he
said:
- "Well, if your partner starts to exhibit the symptoms we've talked about,
you both need to strip naked and climb into a sleeping bag and hug. That will
transfer body heat."
- I looked at H and I thought 'I WANT hypothermia', but H immediately turned
to me, shook my hand and said:
- "Well. It's been nice knowing you."
- Which cracked everybody up, but I couldn't laugh.
- Sometime later we met these two girls at a camping ground. We sat in their
tent and talked for hours and drank a lot. Then H and one of the girls went out
and went to our tent. I sat and looked at the other girl. She smiled and came to
me. I paniced as I knew what she wanted and so I kept avoiding her and gradually
getting more and more drunk. I felt trapped. She was so nice and I know she
wanted me to make love to her, but I just couldn't. I just kept thinking about
what was happening in our tent and how jealous I was. I ended up running out of
the tent and leaning against a tree in the rain and crying. I waited for a long
time and then very drunkedly made my way back to our tent. I crawled in and
collapsed on the floor. They were still doing it. I just lay on the floor,
soaked to the skin, unable to move watching him make love to her with tears
streaming down my face.
- The next morning, I was very sick. H kept going on and on about the previous
night and I felt like I could kill him and her. As we packed up, the girls
offered to take us to Melbourne. I tried to make a thousand excuses, but H was
crazy for her and in the end I couldn't just let him go with them and leave me
so I went along. I had to sit in the back of their car with the other girl. I
kept apologising to her and saying it wasn't her fault. She was very
understanding though and we ended up chatting the whole time.
- We stayed with H's girl. The first night we were sitting watching TV and I
was slouched in a bean bag. I started to drop off and in my drowsy state I heard
them talking. "What about your weird friend?" "Don't worry, he's asleep. He
won't hear anything." Then they made love right behind me. I lay in the bean bag
wide awake and wishing they would finish or go to bed or something. I could
hardly stand it.
- The next morning I lost my temper with H over some silly thing and said I
couldn't stand it anymore and I was leaving. He told me to stop acting like a
jealous girlfriend and I slapped him. I then packed. He pleaded with me not to
go and eventually I agreed to stay one more night. I sat in the bean bag and
refused to speak to the girl. H spoke to her that night and said we were
leaving.
- The next morning, while he was packing, the girl came to speak to me.
- "Ok. I've figured it out. Why don't you just tell him how you feel and stop
blaming me? It's obvious you're in love with him and he's totally blind to it.
You're great friends. Maybe it would work out. He's great in the sack you
know.."
- I stared at her. Was I that obvious? We sat and talked and it turned out she
knew people like me. We ended up staying one more night and she and I stayed up
all night talking. H kept trying to break us up and wanted to go to bed with the
girl, but she and I just looked at each other and smiled. She said "Not tonight
dear. I'm spending time with my gi.. I mean my friend." He was pissed off at me
and stomped off.
- We left the next day. I was very tired from being up all night, but the girl
and I hugged and kissed and chatted to each other while we waited for the bus. H
refused to speak to me for days afterwards. I smiled a lot.
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