My TV quotes page
Funny quotes from some of my fave tv shows!
Unfortunately, these are not in order or grouped according to episode. Sorry! I'll try to reference them where I can.
Angel (Season 1)
Spike: Do you two need to be alone or shall we get on to the ouchy part?
Cordelia Chase[on receiving their first cheque]: See? You can save the damsel and make great money. Is this a great country, or what?
Allen Francis Doyle: Hey, let's march down to the bank right now and deposit this beauty.
Angel: You guys go on. I think I'll stay here and not burst into flames.
Doyle: Oh, right, you're pretty much the night-deposit guy.
Doyle: [reading a cue-card for proposed tv as] Our rats are low...
Cordelia: RATES!
Doyle: It says rats.
Cordelia: What's with those vision things of yours?
Doyle: Well, they're messages I get, from the higher powers, whoever they are. You know, it's my gift.
Cordelia: If that was my gift, I'd return it.
Cordelia: Demons. Is there anything more disgusting?
Doyle[disappointed]: You think so?
Cordelia: Come on. Look at this one. This demon wears a wreath of intestines around its head. I mean, honestly, what kind of statement is this thing trying to make?
Doyle: All I'm saying is, if you and I ever hope to take that cruise to the Bahamas together, we're going to need a lot more clients with means.
Cordelia: And an alternate reality in which you're Matthew McConaughey.
Cordelia: You're a lot smarter than you look. Of course, you look like a retard.
Cordelia[referring to client?]: What did you put in her tea?
Doyle: Enough whiskey to drop my Aunt Judy. And that woman had some girth.
Cordelia: What's the point?
Doyle: Well, it tastes good, and it relaxes you.
Cordelia: No, I mean of ever going out with anyone.
Doyle: Well, people need people. And people who need people... are the luckiest p--
Cordelia: Either you like them, and they don't like you. Or you can't stand them, which just guarantees that they're going to hover around and never go away.
Doyle: I hate guys like that.
Cordelia: I know Angel's been working day and night to help people fight their personal demons. But *I* need a raise.
Doyle: A raise? You've been working for him for, what, 20 minutes?
Cordelia: A month. And I have needs.
Doyle: Needs?
Cordelia: A person... needs... certain... designer... things.
Doyle: Personally, I don't think you need much in the way of clothes.
Cordelia: We need more of these.
Doyle: We'll have more soon enough.
Cordelia: Well, we need them now. Have a vision.
Doyle: I just can't perform on demand.
Cordelia: We need the clients. Have a vision.
Doyle: That money's corrupted you.
Cordelia: If I hit you in the head, will you have a vision?
Doyle: Get away from me -- you're insane!
Doyle: If you ever want to, you know, spend one night away from the place, maybe give me a call.
Cordelia: Well, stranger things have happened. No... wait... they really haven't.
Cordelia: First thing, I hire someone to take out that wall.
Doyle: I thought you said it was perfect?
Cordelia: Yes! And part of it being perfect is there being one tiny flaw for me to fix.
Doyle: Ah, must be why you find me so fascinating.
[Cordelia clears her throat conspicuously.]
Angel: What?
Cordelia: Nothing! I just find it endlessly fascinating how your instincts are so highly attuned when it comes to boring old evil, but you have yet to make any mention of these new shoes.
Angel: Look, Cordelia. Women's shoes... men... they just don't--
[Doyle enters.]
Doyle: Great shoes! New?
[Doyle saves Cordelia from a vampire.]
Cordelia Chase: You were so... brave.
Allen Francis Doyle: You think you could say that again without so much shock in your voice? You're steppin' on my moment of manliness here.
Cordelia: I'm just--
Doyle: Surprised?
Cordelia: Grateful.
Cordelia Chase: As if I wasn't confused enough, then Doyle comes along and rescues me like some... badly dressed superhero.
Cordelia Chase: I was thinking that maybe I haven't been entirely fair to you. Maybe you don't actually have zero potential.
Allen Francis Doyle: Wow, Cordelia. Thanks.
Cordelia Chase: Hi Doyle. Are you gonna become loser pining guy, like, full time? 'Cuz we already have one of those around the office.
Angel: Hey!
Doyle: Hey!
Cordelia Chase: He can get away with it. He's tall, and look at the way clothes hang on him. But you--
Angel: Okay. I think you've cheered us up enough.
Cordelia Chase: Batten down the hatches. Here comes Hurricane Buffy.
Doyle: You think? Maybe he's over her.
Cordelia: You have so much to learn, little Irish man.
Cordelia Chase: You shouldn't be trying to eat my friend's brains, you horrible ugly demon people!
Cordelia Chase: Maybe Doyle does have hidden depths. I mean, really really hidden. But depths. And I'm gonna have to buy him a mochaccino for saving my life.
Cordelia Chase: All of a sudden rich and handsome isn't enough for me. Now I expect a guy to be all brave and interesting. And it's your fault! Both of you!
Cordelia Chase: You'll get through this Doyle. Nice guys don't always finish last.
Doyle: You think I'm a nice guy?
Cordelia: I think it; I say it. It's my way.
Doyle: I'll finally be free to go out and make me own mark in the world.
Cordelia Chase: We had a cat that used to do that.
Doyle: When was the last time you drank blood?
Angel: Buffy.
Doyle: Left you with a bit of craving, didn't it? Let me tell you something, pal. That craving's gonna grow. And one day soon, one of those helpless victims that you don't really care about is gonna look way too appetizing to turn down. And you'll figure, "Hey, what's one against all I've saved? Might as well eat them. Still ahead by the numbers."
Doyle: Well, I like the place. Not much of a view, but it's got a nice Batcave sort of an air to it.
Doyle: High school's over, bud. You gotta make with the grown-up talk now.
Doyle: I get visions, which is to say great, splittin' migraines that come with pictures.
Angel: Why would a woman I've never met even talk to me?
Doyle: Have you looked in the mirror lately? No, I guess you really haven't, no.
Doyle: [on the story of his life] Yeah, well, it's a fairly dull tale. It needs a little sex, is my feeling.
Angel: You don't smell human.
Doyle: Well, that's a bit rude. As it happens I'm very much human... [He sneezes, demon face emerging] ...on my mother's side.
Doyle: Tell her what a great guy I am!
Angel: I barely know you.
Doyle: Well perfect, that should make it easier for you then.
Angel: [to Doyle] Where'd you pick up computer skills?
Cordelia Chase: [joking] Downloading pictures of naked women?
Doyle: Well, that's more or less accurate.
Doyle: This isn't a marketing seminar, princess. You know, we need to operate a little bit more below radar?
Cordelia Chase: What radar?
Doyle: The police. You know the service our friend Angel provides? Well, it puts 'em in mind of the 'V' word.
Cordelia: Vampire?
Doyle: No, vigilante.
Doyle: One of us has been drinking, and I'm sad to say it isn't me.
Cordelia Chase: I am somebody. I matter. People will be attracted to my positive energy and help me achieve my goals. I'm right where I'm supposed to be and not dying for something to eat!
Doyle: You need to champ people up a little more casual like, you know? "What's your name? How's life treatin you? What's that, you say? Minions from hell getting you down?"
Cordelia Chase: Excuse me, but I am an actress, a student of the human animal. I don't have to talk to people to know their stories. Jazz Hands, over there? Mama's boy, Peter Pan complex. Self-absorbed closet dyke with a big The World Owes Me chip on her shoulder, and check out Sarah Plain and Tall, has or comes from big money.
Doyle: How do you know all that?
Cordelia: Well, you've got to be rich to snag the Calvin Klein model she's leaving with.
Angel: The Gateway for Lost Souls... is under the post office?
Doyle: Eh, it makes sense, if you think about it.
Cordelia Chase: Okay, we fade up on an aerial shot -- downtown, skyscrapers, lights, yadda, yadda, yadda. We hear a narrator, preferably famous -- maybe that bald, Star Trek guy, or one of the cheaper Baldwins, and he says, "It's a big, bad city out there..." Cut to a woman walking down a dark, spooky street. Alone. We'll cast some beautiful, young actress -- maybe some up and coming starlet whose career is on the verge of taking off. Anyway, she's all nervous, right? Mucho vulnerable. The voice guy says, "Danger lurks around every corner..." She's attacked by a big, ugly goon, with a knife! She screams, "Help! Is there no one to help me?" Well, now there's someone to answer your call. He'll protect you. You can count on it. "You can count on me, 'cause I'm the Dark Avenger."
Angel: I'm the what?
Cordelia: Dark Avenger.
Angel: I'm the Dark Avenger.
Cordelia: I know! It's perfect!
Doyle: I don't see Angel puttin' on tights. ...Oh, now I do, and it's really disturbing.
Angel: I feel something coming, Doyle -- I don't know what. But I know we're a part of it.
Doyle: Well, if it's a fight they want... can't someone else give it to 'em? Just seems unfair, you know? You gotta save all the helpless-types around here, and now you gotta fight the Apocolypse as well?
Angel: It's all the same thing. Fight the good fight, whichever way you can.
Doyle: Tell you what -- you fight, and I'll keep score.
Doyle: The idea of sudden family obligations with guys who looked like big, blue pin-cushions... it was just a little too much to take right then.
Cordelia Chase: Why didn't you tell me you were half-demon? I thought we agreed that secrets are bad.
Doyle: I wanted to tell you. I was afraid. Thought if I did, you'd reject me.
Cordelia: I've rejected you way before now! So you're half-demon -- big whoop! I can't believe you think I'd care about that! I mean, I work for a vampire, hello?!
Cordelia: I mean, you're half-demon, that is so far down the list. Way under short... and poor... is there anything else I should know?
Doyle: Half-demon thing -- pretty much my big secret.
Cordelia: Good. That's out. It's done. Would you ask me out for dinner already?
Doyle: Yeah?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
(Welcome to the Helmouth/The Harvest)
Buffy Summers(Somers?): Mr. Flutey...
Principle Flutey: All the kids here are free to call me Bob...
Buffy: Bob...
Principle: ...but they don't.
Zander: [helping Buffy to pick up her stuff] Can I have you? ...d'uh can I help you?
Jesse: [after Zander' says something weird] Is it me? Or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?
Zander: No, it's not you.
Buffy: Have you seen Willow?
Zander: Not tonight no.
Buffy: She left with a guy.
Zander: We're talking bout Willow, right? [does the Ricky Lake-like chant] Score at the bronze, work it girl!
Buffy: Voom, they were gone [the vampires].
Zander: They can fly?
Buffy: They can drive.
Vampire [after seeing Buffy pick up a microphone stand] You forget, metal can't hurt me.
Buffy: There's something you forgot about too-sunrise... [she throws the mic through a window and light comes flooding in.]
Vampire: Aaagh! [covering face, then sees that the light is coming from...a light globe]
Buffy: [stabbing vampire] ...is in about 9 hours, moron.
(Becoming)
Cordelia: Zander has a point...
Zander: Y'know, just once I wish you would support me...and I realise just now, you were and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna get back to the point.
Willow: This means I can't help you study for tomorrow's final.
Buffy: I'll wing it. Of course, if we all go to hell by then I won't have to take 'em...or maybe I'll be taking them forever.
Spike: What, your mum doesn't know?
Buffy's mom: Know what?
Buffy: That, um, I'm in a band...a rock band, with Spike here.
Spike: Right, she plays the, the, triangle...
Buffy: ...drums...
Spike: ...drums, yes.
Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (1995)
Ben Katz: Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner fudge is made.
Ben Katz(high on caffeine): You know what you are, Laura?
Laura: What am I?
Ben: You're one great big ball of bitch.
David Duchovny: Sometimes I think that the dream is reality and life is the simulacrum.
Dr. Katz: It certainly is.
The Family Guy (1999)
Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the pa-- ...Whoa! I almost walked into that one.
Stewie: Dammit woman! You've impeded my work since the day I came out of your wretched womb!
Peter: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
[about new neighbour he signed up for his work baseball team, sees for the first time that he's in a wheelchair]
Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple!
Stewie: No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
[Riding a circus elephant.]
Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change.
Stewie: [To ticket agent] Now look here... (looks at agent's name tag) Jo-LENE! I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once! I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES!
(The one where Peter's daughter smashes the town's satellite dish during car-ed and everyone especially Peter embraces all their newfound spare time)
Lois: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
The Norm Show
