Lenny Dare stands out in my memory for nothing more notable than to hold the title of "most stupid man I have ever met’.

19 years have passed and still Lenny holds the poll position of number one. Whilst Lenny and I argued about most things, 2 arguments come to mind as being the most exhaustive and infuriating ever.

What Century is this ?

The umbilical cord debate.

I cant even remember what started the debate over what century it was. It went on for several days, until I gave up. From its inception in Lenny’s lounge room, I went home daily bringing back with me more evidence to substantiate my case, but to no avail, Lenny was firmly convinced that this was the Nineteenth century. The fact that the year was 1981 had a lot to do with his train of thought, and it did little to help my argument.

The points I used to try to sway him were as follows.

A century is made up of 100 years. After the first hundred years have passed we are then into the first century.

When you are born you are not born 1 year old. You are alive for one year then you celebrate your first birthday, well it’s the same with centuries…. You have to wait 100 years before you get to one.

How come the movie studio calls its self ‘20^th Century Fox"?

If this is the 19^th century how come when we reach the year 2000 we will be in the 21^st century?

In the end I conceded defeat, not that we were living in the 19^th century but that Lenny was basically thick as pig shit or stubborn as an ox, to this day I am not sure which.

The umbilical cord debate went for much longer and resulted in more frustration than I can to this day ever recall.

The topic of conversation was obviously birth but I am not sure what aspect of birth we were talking about.

At some point Lenny made the statement that after the birth the umbilical cord was detached from the baby and then place back inside the mother.

The room fell silent as we waited for the punchline; as none was forthcoming we had to conclude that he was serious.

I asked Lenny why it was placed back inside the mother?

"To be used for next time she is pregnant"

What if she doesn’t have any more children

"well then it will just sit there"

You had to laugh he was serious. I opened the conversation to include some others sitting in the room. Most knowing Lenny as well as they did chose not to participate.

"Ok Lenny, lets go through the birth process as you understand it. What is the baby joined to the mother by ?

"The umbilical cord"

"And the umbilical cord is joined to what inside the mother?"

(after some prompting) "the placenta"

"Right! so at birth both the baby and placenta are expelled from the body….do you agree"?

"Yeah"

"so what do they do with the placenta at the end where it is joined to the baby"?

"They cut it"

"And remind me again.. … what is the other end joined to ?"

"The placenta"

And what do they do with the end of the umbilical cord that is joined to the placenta Lenny?"

(Silence)

"Well, what do they do with the end of the umbilical cord that is joined to the placenta?"

I did a little jig around the kitchen knowing I have got him! He has nowhere to go from here.

(Finally he says) "they cut it"

"Ahha!"

I decide the situation calls for simulation so I now take a shoelace and lay it down on the floor in front of him. I place an ashtray at one end to indicate the baby and my shoe at the other to indicate the placenta. I go through the motions of cutting the baby free, then holding up one lose end of shoelace, and then cutting the shoe free, finally holding up the shoelace which was supposed to indicate the umbilical cord.

"So if they cut the end that is joined to the baby, and they cut the end that is joined to the placenta, then what we must be left with is something which looks like this……… agreed"?

"Yes"

"So now are you going to tell me that they place THIS!!!! (waving the simulated umbilical cord at him) back inside the mother?"

"Yes"

OOOHHHHHHHHHHH GOD!!!!

Finally one of the guys across the room volunteers "Well they don’t do that when cows are born, and you have seen cows born Lenny"

"Yeah well they do with humans"

The voice on the other side of the room continues "I'm sure they don’t"

Lenny slams his arms down on the arm chair and stands up, As he limps his way to the kitchen he shouts over his shoulder

"Who gives a fuck anyway, Monica I hope you told your old man to come and get you because I am not driving you home".

The significance of this statement is, that I had a broken leg at the time and wasn’t able to ride my bike; Not driving me home was as close as I will get to Lenny admitting he was wrong.