This information has been leaked regarding the Olympic Games 2008 It seems Balga is to make a bid for the 2008 Olympic games. (In Perth, Balga is the equivalent of Bridgewater in Tasmania and Coolaroo in Victoria ) In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least some medals the competitions have been modified somewhat. However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Koondoola, Mirrabooka, Girrawheen, Coolbellup, Rockingham and Kwinana.

Proposed changes are to be as follows:-

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and now shoes with his defacto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with oversized stomach standing nearby watching.

THE EVENTS

100 METRE SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes

100 METRE HURDLE

As above but with added obstacles: car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls and trains etc

HAMMER THROW

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving police vehicle, In the second round competitors will aim at post office clerks, bank tellers, video store assistants and petrol station attendants

BOXING

Entry to this event will be limited to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 cans of VB (or Bourbon/cola) at the local followed by a quick visit to ‘The Site’ or ‘Kitty Kat’ clubs, while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing bike pants, short top and thongs.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

The competitor will attend the local skateboard area where they will obtain a bike stolen from a mummies boy (preferable from Scotch, Guildford Grammar, Wesley or Aquinas). They will then be racing against the clock.

Bonus points will be awarded should a helmet be obtained at the time of taking the bike.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include robbery with violence, burglary, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, arson and wilful exposure.

MEN'S 50 KM WALK

EVENT CANCELLED - Organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets in Balga.

GYMNASTICS

The beam will be replaced by the kerb outside the local pub. The events will commence at closing time - we expect some extremely difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell at East Perth Lockup

CLOSING CEREMONY