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The Splendor of Gender
A Sense of Pride
Pride, something we all want to feel, about our accomplishments, family, about who we are. We would also like others to be proud of us and all that we are.
I knew I was proud of myself in terms of work accomplishments, that I take pride in my role as a parent. I have accomplished personal goals that I am truly proud of. My greatest struggle is becoming proud of my transgenderism, to overcome the guilt and shame of years of abusive criticism, emotional beatings and the heaping on of being made to feel wrong.
I had the wonderful opportunity to take a giant step in that direction, on June 21, 1998 I marched in the Portland [OR] Pride Parade. I joined the Northwest Gender Alliance (NWGA) group for what would be a significant, emotional and prideful day. I experienced a lot of pride that day, pride in being a part of a celebration of uniqueness, pride in the GLBT community and most important, pride in the person that I am.
My initial thought in participating was to show support for the community, for the battles that had been fought and won, for the people that have stood up for my right to be here this day, for the help and assurance I would receive as I explored my own expression of gender. What I received back was far beyond what I had put in. Imagine someone that usually avoids anything to do with crowds, someone who is very shy and extremely introverted. Now imagine this person is about to join in a very public celebration dressed opposite of what everyone thinks this person is. I had a whole lot of anxiety.
I was greeted with support and comfort, made to feel as if I had always been around. The wonderful energy of support from the GLBT community, the brothers and sisters, the parents and grandparents, and the diverse and cheering spectators moved me to be filled with tears of joy. For this moment in time, I was not alone lifting my head to show pride in myself, THEY were lifting my head, my spirit, my heart. For a moment in time, there was no (okay very, very little) fear. I cannot begin to describe all that I felt, how it would be so nice to have even 1/10th of this level of support every time I walked out my door. The loving, positive energy carried me through the rest of the day, and several days later. I ventured through the crowds, through areas of downtown, to a restaurant, all without having the huge weight of fear and guilt on my shoulders. I was able to let one person's, out of the many I had encountered, rudeness fly by and not give it any thought or energy. Wouldn't it be so nice to have a group to cheer you everted you went out, to fill you with loving energy.
In some ways I create that, I have kept the image of all the cheering people clearly in my memory. I have also created my own picture (visualization) of what pride would look like when I am out and about. I use this image a lot when I am about to step out my door, when I am about to cross a busy parking lot or enter a new place for the first time. I am me, just plain ol' me, walking, eating, sitting, shopping. I do not think about gender or what others think of my gender. You know, just "normal." I have to admit, this is also my ideal picture, but along with a few deep breaths, it helps to calm me and to be in the moment. Each time gets easier and each time I grow and become more of me. I hope the more pride I show I have in myself, the more others will sense this and to some degree, will extend a greater respect toward me.
One personal promise I made to myself was to stay connected with the T* community specifically, and the GLBT community in general, to always be a part. To support, encourage, listen and offer a empathetic ear and heart. I have a ways to go on my journey, but I have a great deal more pride in who I am, in part because of my experience at the parade and the truly wonderful people I have met as a result.
I am grateful and appreciative of all those who have let me hold their hands as I have made some of these steps. It would have been so much, much more difficult without you.
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