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The Splendor of Gender
A Sense of Belonging
To belong, fit-in, to feel a part is a very natural desire and hope. The challenge sometimes is choosing between the need to belong or to remain true to our heart, our self.
While I suppose I have struggled with my gender expression most of my life, I did not actually choose to walk down the gender path less travelled until the winter of 1997. I started down this path ignorant,naive and full of hope of finally finding my place, my fit.
I read of gender as a spectrum, a continuum, with female and male as the endpoints. I read of the different points between, cross-dresser,transvestite, transsexual. I found surveys and tests, I found on-line stories and biographies. I read books, books and more books. I was now on a mission, I had to know where I fit, what group did I belong to?
I tried to remember my childhood, what were my thoughts and feelings? How old was I when I first dressed, became interested in the feminine world? How did these memories compare to others, to the historical descriptions of transsexuality, transgenderism? I found myself frustrated that I lived with so much suppression, repression. That I had been so traumatized that I did not pursue more information or at least try to dress more. I also realized that I probably would not have been able to deal with it all, that I had a lot of other wounds to heal before I would actually be ready to face this part of me. I also figured that with all the other conflicts I experienced as a child, had I really pushed my gender, I might not have made it into adulthood.
Where did I find I fit? No where and everywhere, all over. I do feel a strong transsexual identity, but do not necessarily experience it as "born a woman in a man's body."I cannot necessarily say I have always felt like a girl/woman, or that I displayed necessarily female social characteristics. But, I also know that I do not dress to explicitly express my feminine side, I just like the fit and style. I do not become more feminine or a different person. It is an extension of me, Paula. However, I do admit to wanting to be a little more sexy at times,or just a little more dressy (but this seems to be true of most people).
I guess I found that I do not fit in any one category all the time. I would guess no one really does. My interests and activities could be classified all along the established spectrum. I like the freedom of not fitting or attempting to fit. I like the freedom to explore or ignore things based on my own personality, not on the implied or existing standards. I learned a long time ago that I do not often fit the mold of roles accepted as normal. I have always enjoyed stories of love and the heart (but not necessarily "romance"novels). I like shopping, more so with my female friends (shopping vicariously?).I easily made close friendships with girls/women, did not have any real close male friends. I also enjoyed athletics, but not necessarily the winning/losing aspects.
So what is my point, what am I saying? By no longer trying to fit in, or find a fit, I am able to remain true to myself, true to the person I have always been.I am able to keep my history and honor it, I can cherish the good times, the wonderful friends I have made, my daughter, all that is who I am. I can continue my journey rather than start over.
Personally, I think the current categories are not particularly helpful nor do they really define who we are. I have always felt that categories and labels when applied to people tended to be about exclusion rather than inclusion. In terms of transgenderism, the labels seemed more about science and study, and not really about the personalities and uniqueness of each individual. (Of course, there is the issue of medically fitting a profile or behavior to attain access to some resources).
I re-thought the model of the gender spectrum, which seems to make an assumption that the two endpoints actually exist. I look at gender as being more like a rainbow (which also evokes images of beauty as opposed to images of a scientific measuring tool), without clearly defined endpoints or divisions between the colors. I liked this image (that is where my email name comes from). With a rainbow, you never really see the ends, mostly the middle. Depending on where you are it can appear brighter, softer, larger, smaller. The beauty of a rainbow is it is actually always there, we just may not always "see" it. To me this is my gender, colorful, beautiful, others may not always see it. It takes the light of openness to shine through the dark clouds of ignorance to see the beauty of gender. My gender journey has opened my eyes and heart. The splendor of gender is that it is unique to each person, transgendered or not. It is about who they are and what they feel it is in their hearts, not about what they do, how they act, what they wear. I see everyone as a unique rainbow, showing their colors as they feel inside.
I may not have a specific fit, but I have an overwhelming sense of belonging. Belonging to a community of special people who choose to follow their hearts and not the social pressure to fit into a narrow gender expression and role. It feels so good to belong.
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