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The Splendor of Gender
A Sense of Growing
Reflection, moving forward means I must see where I have been, to see what life has been and what it means for me, yesterday, today and tomorrow.
As the new year approaches and many thoughts are on this year's resolutions, I wonder what resolution might I make? Why do resolutions only come at the end/beginning of the year? I suppose the idea is to try and do better at something, or to improve on something that we did not quite accomplish the last year. I suppose one idea for me is to resolve to resolve more often.
So, I reflect back, what has this year been? This past year has been quite a ride, filled with joys, sorrows, grief, elation, courage, pride, love and many new friendships. My growth seems to have been in leaps and bounds, in between the baby steps I thought I was making. I have gone from alone and scared to surrounded by loving, supportive friends and much greater strength and courage. I have gone from my little "closet" in my mind to reaching out to friends all over the world.
I began the year wishing to meet new friends, to be able to go out beyond the walls of home or my car and exist in the world. One great friend who has helped me on that journey has been Teri. She gave me the reason to venture out, to develop more and more confidence, to see that the whole world wasn't scary or threatening. A great moment for me was being a part of Portland's Pride 1998 Parade with the NWGA. Emotionally, I would gain so much, to this day I joyfully recall that day, the wonderful people, the new friends and the sensation of what self confidence and guilt-free existing felt like.
Each moment out was another step, another inch toward my journey of wholeness. I would continue to meet and maintain a connection with my friends. I would establish a web page and for the first time, publicly share my life and story. I would begin to meet friends from all over whose hearts are open and caring and loving. These new friends would come to offer so much.
This past year would also introduce me to another special friend, Lori. Her insights, journey and heart of gold would draw me to her. We would discover a soulful connection of similar thoughts and feelings. I have come to admire her and hold her dear in my heart. For the first time in my life, I have found a place where I do have a voice, and I am respected and accepted. It has taken a little to adjust, but I learn quickly.
1998 would also be the year that my emotional space would be significantly altered. In some ways my journey would take a sudden shift, my voice would become stronger, my conviction deeper. The brutal death of Matthew Shepard would propel me from deep, deep pain and emotional trauma to deep compassion for all minorities struggling for basic human rights and dignity. I would be compelled to speak up to my representatives, to my workplace and come out to several friends. I would become much less allowing of others to dictate who I should be and how I should act. I would discover more of who I am and what is important to me. I would also discover that I have some very, very special friends.
My eyes were also opened to the idea that my journey is not just my journey. My choices have impacts on my family. Also, any step forward I take is also about steps for others. If I open the eyes of others about me, I am also opening their eyes to the community. As I make a difference in my life, I am also making a difference in other's lives. I also discovered how protective of and how dear my children are to me. I have met parents who have lost their children to hate and violence. Some of their children were the same age as mine. What might there be about my children that another would hate so much as to hurt them? If I hide away or runaway, what does that say? I will support and defend my children's right to be who they are - at whatever cost.
What a year this has been! There are so many of you that I am very grateful to. Thank you.
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