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Part II - Paradise
July 1997 - December 1997 |
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- November 11th 1997
- I lied. I just can't stop writing.
- I had the most amazing day yesterday! I just had to tell someone... As I may
have mentioned previously I'm creating a database web system that can be cloned
into new sites very rapidly. Anyway, one of the promoters of this system is a
multinational advertising agency. One of their clients is a multinational
finance company. So yesterday I rocked up to work and found the Account Manager
from the Ad agency and the top dog for Australia for the finance company at the
office looking at my system. These guys are talking about putting about A$2.2M
into the project.
- I was introduced and the AdMan did a double-take. Mr Finance didn't even
blink. My 'boss' said they only had about ten minutes to chat with me about the
system. After 2 hours, the AdMan left. He had spent most of the time
surreptiously looking at me and each time I turned to smile at him, he rushed
off to make a phone call. Mr Finance ignored everybody and just sat and talked
excitedly to me for the whole time.
- Anyway when they had left, everybody said how well the meeting and demo went
and how they were a little worried at first about me doing the demo and talking,
but agreed that it was not the problem they had thought it would be as I was so
natural and unconcerned.
- I got home at around 8:30pm and my sister arrived and rushed in to see me.
She was so excited. She is the G.M. for the Ad Agency that AdMan works for. She
is his boss. Apparently he had rushed back to the office and at the top of his
voice had said 'MY GOD! HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRANNY THEY'VE GOT WORKING DOWN THERE!
THE HEELS! THE SHORT SKIRT! EVERYTHING!' My sister kept saying 'Not now!
Shutup.' but he kept on. The other people in the office who knew about me
quickly took enormous interest in their shoes. Eventually his efforts and loud
voice caused my sis to go to him, push him into his chair and say:
- "That 'TRANNY' is my sister and used to be my brother! Tasting leather are
we?"
- My sis says he was like a set of traffic lights as he changed colour and she
said he looked like he was going to faint or have a heart attack or both.
Eventualy he managed to squeek out:
- "She's very intelligent though.. And the client loved her."
- Utterly deflated, he was very quiet for the rest of the day.
- We laughed and cried for ages. I really felt sorry for the poor sod. Talk
about putting his size 12's in his mouth. I left a note this morning for my sis
to take to him which just basically said I hoped I didn't cause too much
embarrasement for him and promised to wear a shorter skirt next time if he gave
me notice.
- November 15th 1997
- Anyway, everythings been going perfectly for me as far as work and a general
social life is concerned. Talk about integrated! Everybody at my current office
and the new one has been fantastic. Apart from the obligatory 'You just have to
tell me how this happened!' type discussion after first introductions, it just
settles down to me being one of the girls.
- Not one problem.
- Er... Except one....
- For the last few weeks I've been getting increasingly needy about getting
laid. Normal avenues are a bit difficult as we are all aware, and although my
girlfriends (GG) sympathise, they just can't help. It's all very well going to
parties, shopping and hanging out, but it all falls in a heap when guys can't
quite deal with the physical mechanics.
- So I have a dilemma. Where can I go? I've heard about the Taxi club, but
feel very reticent about going alone. I've only been to the resturant with some
friends and the nightclub was closed that night.
- It's been two years and a few months since I had any kind of sexual contact
and that was with my 'ex. And I never felt comfortable with that anyway. I have
only one major problem I'm trying to deal with and that's 'going all the way'.
This just means that the last time with a guy was rape (actually it was four but
after I was tied up I stopped counting) and I get a little scared when I get
'close'. Problem is I want it SO BAD I'm climbing the walls. This relationship
I'm having with my hugging pillow is getting ridiculous.
- November 16th 1997
- I've been crying almost continuosly Saturday night and Sunday. It's ok
though. It only happens for three days once a month and I'm just beginning to
get used to it. Sis came home Sunday and we watched Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the
Fall', drooled over his sheer beauty, ate chocolate, drank wine and bawled
together. I kept saying 'I don't even know why I'm crying' and she hugs me and
that makes me feel better. She keeps saying 'Just accept and let it happen. It's
good. Just stay away from my best china is all I ask...' At least I didn't have
a tantrum like last time!
- One of the strange things I have to deal with at this time of the month is
that I lactate. Inserts and heat make an erm, how should I put this, an
'interesting' combination. Thank god I'll be in air conditioning next month.
Talcum powder just doesn't help!! :- ) I'll be so glad when I don't need the
inserts. About three months by my reckoning if things develop at the rate they
are at the moment.
- I'm currently trying to type through the tears so if there are any typo's I
apologise in advance. It's so good to just let the emotions wash over me and
just let go. I asked my sister if she gets 'explicit' dreams at this time and
she said 'yes'. I woke up in a froth at 4am this morning after having a highly
graphic dream about my second 'great love'. (The first 'great love' was when I
was 13 and I didn't know what I was doing didn't actually fit into the 'male'
world I didn't even know I was part of at that time!!!)
- November 23rd 1997
- Last week I got a bit depressed about the lack of a man in my life and sent
email to this friend of mine. She said that I just needed to go to the right
places and would show me the 'way'. The reason was that I have been getting very
*needy* over the last month, and although I have a relatively normal social
life, the chance of meeting a guy who can deal with the mechanics of my
situation is zero.
- It was made much worse by a couple of minor incidents last week at work. One
was the 'Adman' and the 'Finance' man incident which didn't worry me that much
as I ended up feeling so sorry for Mr Adman. It just seemed that I was getting
'read' so quickly and I felt ugly. The other is that the guys I work with have
gradually but surely stopped thinking of me as having once been a guy and have
begun relating completely as a girl. But sometimes the reality hits home to
them. We went to the pub for lunch and played some pool. I caught one of them
eyeing my butt as I leaned over the table and he blushed and said 'Oops.
Busted..' Then one of them was fooling around and said something gross and I
threw a chip at him. He burst into laughter and I said 'Whhaat?' in a whining
sort of tone. He said 'You throw just like a girl.' Then the smile ran away from
his face and he said 'Sorry. I didn't mean.. Er..' It just made me realise that
it will be a long time till I'm truely accepted.
- Then this friend took me out on Friday night. We met at the Americas Cup bar
at the Hilton and to my surprise I got a lot of appreciative looks. We talked
for a couple of hours then went to City Tattersalls to get something to eat.
Girls get in free! Cool. It was getting to around midnight, so she suggested it
was time to go to the Taxi Club. For those that don't know, this is a club with
pokies, restuarant and a nightclub. It is a frequent haunt for Transvestites as
well, but really not so much people like me.
- I had come from work so I just had on a white skirt, reddish pink silk top
and heels. Completely average. Not the slightest bit trashy. We walked in and I
felt like I had a personal 'cone of silence'. I have **NEVER** had so many men
watch me so intently. I kept my head up and followed my friend to the bar. There
was this guy she knew there and she tapped him on the shoulder. He turned, said
'Hi' to her and stopped short when he looked at me. I felt like a rabbit.
Without taking his eyes off me he said 'And who's your gorgeous friend?' As she
told him, he gently put his arm around my waist and manouvered me onto a stool
next to him. After introductions and drinks, he spent most of the time feeling
me up. It was like having a gentle but persistent octopus wrapping itself around
me. It wasn't half bad actually as I struggled to keep him from undressing me.
- After about an hour of this I had to go to the loo. As I walked through the
crowd, the stares began again. When I came out two guys were playing on a poker
machine and one of them was tall and very cute. We looked at each other. I felt
like all the breath had been knocked out of me and couldn't help smiling. He
walked straight over to me and said 'God, you're gorgeous. I'm S. What's
your name?' He touched my shoulder and it felt like I had been zapped with
electricity. It also felt like it had suddenly got very warm in the room and I
squeeked out 'Kim.' He got real close and said 'You know, this is the first time
I've been to this place and me and my mate just came to have a bit of a look. I
was getting very dissappointed at what goes on here, but.. Well.. Look, I'm not
shy and I just have to do this..' He put his hand behind my neck, pulled me
close and gave me the most sexy, deep kiss I have ever experienced. I felt
myself completely melt and wrapped myself around him. When he pulled back
slightly (about 2 inches) he said 'Wow! That's the first time I've ever kissed a
guy, but you.. You are a guy aren't you?' I looked back at him and just managed
to get out 'Well. There's just a little bit left..' I felt completely and
utterly entranced. I realised with a start that I was hooked. I grabbed his neck
and pulled him towards me. We spent the next hour with me pressed against a wall
with his tongue halfway down my throat and his hands all over me. I absolutely
didn't care that we were in a public place. It felt like the rest of the world
just didn't exist.
- In between passionate kisses and looking dreamily at each other we managed
to have a conversation. Most of it was him saying how much he liked me and
'wanted' me, even though he had never done anything like this before and had
never met anyone like me. I SOOO much wanted to say yes, but said I didn't feel
comfortable going back to his place (he shares with a couple of other guys) and
felt concerned about taking him home because of how my sister would react. He
was so persistent and I was completely hooked I felt trapped because I wanted
him so very, very much and I felt so very, very hot.
- At about 3am, we compromised and exchanged phone numbers. He left and I just
leaned against the wall stunned and realised I might have lost him. I quickly
walked towards the exit and he came round the corner back in. We stopped and I
smiled. He grabbed me and kissed me deeply again and said 'God it's hard leaving
without you. I'll call you tomorrow ok?' All I could do was smile and grab his
neck and pull him towards me again.
- I got a ride home and lay in bed. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't think. I just
kept re-running the moments over and over in my mind. I just couldn't get him
out of my mind. Around 11am on Saturday my mobile rang. Now I've heard the
expression 'my heart leapt', but never experienced it before. I launched myself
across the room and answered the call. It was him. We spent about a half hour
talking and he said he would call back later in the day so we could catch up.
When we hung up, I was literaly jumping for joy and ran off to talk to my
sister.
- I spent the rest of the day sitting next to the damn phone willing him to
ring. I did take the time to race up to the liquor store and get the kind of
beer he was drinking and stopped in at the supermarket to get some candles, and
then to the chemist for.. er.. let's say essential supplies. I sat in the car
and thought; 'Christ! I can't believe I'm doing this.' But I couldn't stop
myself.
- My sister came in and sat with me and said that she didn't have any kind of
problem with me bringing a guy home and it was completely cool but just one
thing; I was besotted and shouldn't let him get the upper hand. I agreed
completely, but was unable to get out of reach of the phone even though it meant
taking it to the bathroom even!
- He didn't call. I went to bed devastated.
- He hasn't called today either. I tried to call him, but the mobile number he
gave me was wrong. I started to panic and imagined that he'd deliberatly given
me he wrong number and thought about how I could contact him. I imagined writing
a scented note and delivering it to the place he works even!!!
- The only other number is the number for his truck and I can't call that till
Monday. I have spent Sunday wandering the markets, jumping every time I heard a
mobile ring and wondering why he hasn't called. As I drove around I found to my
amazement I had ended up in the suburb where he lives. This is getting
ridiculous!! I found I was inventing all sorts of potential reasons like he has
been in an accident, or his mates have talked him out of calling me or any of a
thousand others.
- I have never, ever reacted this way to anybody in my entire life. I can't
quite believe it myself. The thing is I hardly know him. We might be totally
incompatible. He may just want a quick shag. I don't know, I just can't get the
man out of my mind. And my mind has gone mad. I keep imagining all sorts of
potential futures! Like sitting on the beach with him, or going to a movie or
cooking a meal for him and yes, very much having him make love to me.
- How on earth do I deal with this? Is this normal? I mean I feel like he
could just click his fingers and I would just jump. I mean I just ignored my
friend completely, from the moment I met him. Isn't that just the rudest thing
to do! I just wanted to be with him. What's going on!!!!!
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