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Part III - Paradise Lost
December 1997 to March 1998 |
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- February 8th, 1998
- I'm lost. My dream job dissappeared like mist under the morning sun. My
sister had been given unacceptable terms and conditions from the company she was
working for and quit in protest. So now I am stuffed.
- I started to contact headhunters last week. I'm up to 20 so far. With all my
experience and a sunny disposition you would have thought that I would have been
welcomed by agencies as a valuable asset. Instead I find that the industry that
I have given 20 years of my life to has rejected me. And for one single reason.
I am transexual.
- In the last 8 months I have only been able to find one contract worth
$6,000. I am now completely broke. And I do mean broke. I am now unable to pay
rent or buy food. Although I am loathe to accept charity, I am in a position
where I have to contact the Department of Social Security and rattle a tin cup.
I have to face the immediate possibility of abandoning the IT industry and
taking whatever work I can from the CES. This is apalling. To waste 20 years of
experience in this way is insane. I had no illusions that this process would be
hard, but to have lost my 'Ex, my children, my parents, my brother, my income
and any possibility of a 'normal' relationship is such a high price for
self-acceptance.
- In spite of the fact that my resume is so large and comprehensive it
requires an index and has the names of managing directors as references, I now
find that I am receiving platitudes and being gently shown the door in spite of
the fact that I am well adjusted and not a drag queen or overtly 'gay' (which I
am not anyway despite what seems to be an incongruity).
- So what's next for Kimberley Scott? I haven't any idea.
- March 1st, 1998
- I haven't written for a while. I guess I've been too depressed. I've sent
out around 70 copies of my resume and only had one bite. I'm getting sick of
hearing the euphemisms 'She wouldn't fit into our culture' and so on.
- Still. I did go to the Mardi Gras.. *grin*
- I got to be a baaaaaaaaaaaaddd girl!!! Unfortunately I didn't get lucky, but
it was still great.
- I went around to a friends place in Surry Hills (she runs a salon) at about
5pm and had champagne and some A*** N****** which got me buzzed up a lot. I
haven't had it for years and nearly fell down. Everybody thought that was really
cool and I got my photo taken with my eyes rolled back. Sheesh. I just know
that's going to end up on their wall-of-fame.
- Then at 7pm the whole bunch of us walked up to the Flinders hotel. Kathy had
this silver sequined tassled whisp of stuff on, huge shoes and the longest false
eyelashes I've ever seen. Esther went leather and chain. So there we were, 8
normally dressed people, Kathy leading Esther along by the chain and me in my
short leather skirt, heels and satin top.
- Esther had been mugged earlier in the day and was in a bit of a state.
Apparently she was walking to work and some guy in a Mercedes(!) stopped, jumped
out, ran over, punched her, took her purse, nicked the money and her tickets to
the party, jumped back in his Mercedes(!) and drove off. She then went to a
doctor and he gave her $240 to buy new ones! Talk about the two extremes!
- Anyway, we arrived at the Flinders and I already had sore feet from those
follow-me-f**k-me heels and had some more drinks and AN. It was kind of weird
standing right next to four police with a bottle under your nose and a stunned
expression...
- I ended up talking to so many people who were fascinated with me for some
reason. It was kind of cool, but I missed most of the parade as a result.
- By then I was still ok, but definately on a slide.. While we were standing
there two guys came up to me and started telling me how gorgeous I was and
bought me some more drinks. Then one of them kissed me. Deep. Very nice. I was
so tempted to go with him, but I was with the girls and wanted to stay with
them.
- After the parade I was a bit wobbly. The girls were going to the party and I
couldn't, so I had arranged to meet some English girls. I called them on the
mobile and eventually they said they were at the Palace. I asked a policewoman
where it was. She didn't know, but thought it was on Oxford St. So I walked down
there. About an hour or so later I had walked both sides of that street being
stopped every few minutes by guys who bought me drinks and talked to me. I
nearly lost my hair a few times with the way guys tend to grab your head when
they kiss you, but I was so out of it I didn't care. I was off my face and
having fun.
- Eventually I found out that the Palace is at the end of Flinders St. I was
drunk, had sore feet (blisters on the blisters) and was pissed off because that
was about two minutes walk from where I had been the whole night.
- I started to walk back and stopped near Kinselas to rest my feet and two
lesbian girls sat and talked to me. They took me to some bar or something, I
can't remember where. We sat, drank, and did lines. One girl kept feeling me up
and eventually had me against the wall tickling my tonsils. She passed a pill
via tongue to me and I have no idea what it was, but I felt really goooooooddd
after a little while. Cuddly, kissy kind of. I guess it must have been E, but
I've never had that before so I couldn't tell.
- Oh. And I've figured out I'm bi... *grin*
- Anyway, my mobile rang and it was the English girls. I was a little cheesed
off, because I was really enjoying myself, but got phone numbers and left. I
walked to the Palace and the cleaner trucks were hard at work. By the time I
arrived, I was dog tired and wired. I was playing phone tag with them and not
getting anywhere because they were drunk on the phone and there was so many
people I couldn't find them. So there I was sitting on crate waiting to be
rescued.
- A really nice couple sat down next to me and started plying me with drinks.
The womans sister is TS too and we chatted for ages. By 3:30am I was falling
about and full of 'love' for the world. But I also had a headache. The couple
were really nice and eventually got me a cab and I went home.
- At home I immediately drank about two litres of water and had a meal. I
staggered into my room and left a trail of clothes to my bed. It was around
4:30am or so. The panadol gradually took effect and I drifted off.
- At 7:30am I was awoken by our lodger. He wanted to talk. I staggered out and
found out that he had been mugged and had $400 taken by a group of guys with
broken bottles INSIDE A CLUB AND THE BOUNCER TOLD HIM TO JUST FORGET IT AND
LEAVE! I know that in Perth, sometimes the bouncers used to get kickbacks from
this, but was surprised as I had not heard about this for at least 15 years.
Shit happens. He was really idiotic to be carrying that much anyway. He had gone
to the Cross on his own. Dumb twit.
- He was really wired and wanted to go out, so I had a shower and drove down
to the recovery party. He had forgotten his shoes and they wouldn't let him in.
So I bought a couple of beers and we stood outside. He was so up, he kept hyper
ventilating and saying 'Christ what did I take?' all the time. By that time I
had evaluated the symptoms and figured it was F****y.
- I decided it was time to get him home. So I drove him to the English girls
place (which in his 'out' state he had tried to break into sometime during the
night) and we sat and talked.
- At 2pm, I drove him home and took one of the girls to Manly. I was still
buzzing, but so tired I could hardly think. I went home but couldn't sleep. I
still can't. The snow must have had sp**d in it.
- So I've learnt a lot about myself, kissed half the male population of Oxford
St and one girl, had a great time, had two hours sleep in two days, spent not
one red cent and have very, very sore feet.
- Hopefully I can get some sleep.. Hmm. Perhaps some hot chocolate..
- March 3rd, 1998
- I wrote the above on Sunday. I did eventually get some sleep.. I'm still
looking for work. It's really insane the discrimination. I've sent out around
130 copies of my resume and I am registered with 93 recruitment agencies and in
four weeks haven't had even one interview. The headhunters get all effusive when
they see my resume and keep telling me that it is the most fantastic set of
skills and experience they have ever seen and carry on about how I wouldn't have
a problem getting work. Problem is I keep getting calls from them with excuses
from the potential employers who use euphemisms like 'She wouldn't fit into our
culture' or 'We envisage employee problems' and the like. What crap. I mean -
Really?
- I thought maybe it was that I didn't pass well enough or something, but
today I went to my Endocrinologist and as I left I struck up a conversation with
a lady in the lift. We chatted on the way down and stood outside and talked for
a while. Then she said: 'Ooo. It's hot isn't it?' I raised my eyes skyward,
smiled and fingered my wig and replied 'It's even hotter under this'. She looked
puzzled and then asked 'Are you wearing a wig? Why are you wearing one of
those?' It was my turn to look puzzled. 'My hair hasn't grown back enough yet.'
She still looked puzzled. 'Did you have cancer or something?' I suddenly
realised that she hadn't twigged I was TS. I gently touched her arm, grinned and
said 'I'm TS'. Her jaw practically hit the floor. So maybe I do pass ok and
don't look like a bloke in a dress.. *grin*
- March 7th, 1998
- I've had a shitty day followed by a shitty evening. As you may be aware, I'm
unemployed and hating every minute of it. Since I had only $15 to my name I had
to sit at home and read Java manuals. Exciting stuff. Rivetting in fact. To the
point that I fell asleep out of sheer boredom.
- The manager of an agency that is 'trying' to find me work invited me to her
birthday party this evening. I thought it would be a blast and a chance to get
out and meet people. *bzzzzzzt* Wrong.
- I took my $15 out and stared at at and decided: what the hell. I then got
ready and went. I arrived on time. My $15 ran out around 10pm so I spent the
next hour or so sitting on my own. The problem was that there were around 200
people there who knew other people and they formed groups that interlinked and
swirled around me like eddies around a log. I tried several times to 'break'
into conversations, but they all have their own groups and I just ended up being
excluded by virtue of the fact that I knew nobody. It was a weird situation. I
introduced myself and they said 'Hi' then immediately went back to their own
conversations. I really began to think I was actually invisible.
- So at 11pm I walked to the birthday girl and said I was going. She asked
why. I said: 'I had $15. I've spent it. These people all know each other and I
can't break in.' So she suggested introducing me to people and perhaps I would
get lucky. 'The night is young' she said to which I replied 'and I'm broke.
We're both adults and we know that nothing is going to happen. I'm at least 10
years older than the median age here and the only TS. Let's get real. It just
ain't gonna happen.'
- She looked like I'd just hit her with a baseball bat. Then she gave me a sad
smile, nodded and gave me a hug. 'I'm sorry' she said 'I just don't know what to
do. You're right, of course. You're so lonely and it makes me want to cry, but I
just don't know what to do.' I said that she was the birthday girl and should
not need to look after me. I would just have to get used to it. I told her not
to worry and just get back to her party and have a great time. I then thanked
her and left.
- To make matters even more miserable, as I left the hotel, it started to
rain. So I walked through the rain back to my car. I got in, soaked to the skin
and just sat and cried. I just felt so lonely and isolated. I drove home, tears
streaming down my face and weeping uncontrollably. When I got home, I went to my
room and screamed in emotional frustration. I literally ripped my clothes off
and sat on the bed and wailed. It took me about half an hour to calm down and
get myself together. I made myself a hot chocolate and sat in front of this damn
computer and wrote these words.
- So I've spent my last $15 to get more depressed and lonely than I was
before. I now have not one cent to last me until Thursday when my dole cheque
gets credited to my account.
- F**k. I'm so tired and lonely. And I don't even have Brinn to keep me
company since he dissappeared sometime before Christmas. I guess he was hit by a
car and went off to die somewhere. I spent days walking the streets calling for
him. Now I'm back to my f**king pillow. Sh*t. I'm so sick and tired of putting
on a brave face and acting like everythings ok.
- Actually I've just realised something. Those people at that party where
about 80% honest with me. In contrast my sisters friends and the people I meet
are around 10%. And my 'ex and daughters are 100% honest. They really did say
the below. What everybody wants to say, but doesn't is:
- "You're a pest/irritating/an embarrasment/a drama queen/joking of course and
I don't care/am not interested/don't want to get involved/don't like you. You
made your bed. Sleep in it. You're lonely and sad. So f**king what. Deal with
it. Just f**k off and deal with it someplace else."
- I realised this because not one of all of the people I have met in the last
eight months actually ask to speak to me. No one calls me. No one invites me
anywhere (being invited to that party was actually an email accident, and when I
arrived, the girl looked shocked. I now understand she was hoping I had not
come). When I come out of my room (for the mandatory 5 minutes or Sis will get
angry with me) when they are around to see Sis and Hubbie, I get this strong
sense that they just wish I would go away. I get the sense that I'm this purple
mooses head sitting at the table which people glance at occassionally to make
sure they are not imagining it, but they try to avoid discussing it and the
conversation gets a little strained. And if I did just dissappear or die or
something, people would say "How tragic/sad/stupid, what's for dinner." If I ran
back to Perth they would say something like: "It's for the best. (s)he just
didn't fit in."
- Sis gets so angry when I talk like this, but she's not in my shoes. She's a
genetic girl. She fits in. She has been comfortable in her skin for thirty
years. She doesn't understand.
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