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Part III - Paradise Lost
December 1997 to March 1998 |
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- March 10th, 1998
- Oops. I didn't notice that it was my 'time' and the weekend result probably
had something to do with that. I should be able to recognise it by now.. *grin*
I got my cramps the next day and was crying intermittently and went 'Ahhh Sooo'
when it dawned on me. It's a real bummer not having and physical indication when
it strikes.
- That's the problem with not having the right plumbing. I don't get a
physical indication of when I'm due. You might find that rather amusing. I'm
still getting used to this PMT and period business and to be frank, it sucks.
Men have no idea!! You will have a bit of a laugh though. I get PMT real
baaaaaaaddd.. Tantrums, crying, curling up in bed with bowls of ice-cream, the
whole bit. I also get 'vague-out' at that time as well. I sit and think: "Now
just what happened then?" and have to think real hard to remember what's going
on. Thank god it only lasts three days!!
- March 11th, 1998
- Sigh. Hormones. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. I guess I
should have learnt from last weekend when I came apart as a result of those
wonderful and frustrating things swimming through my system, but no.....
- Tonight, Sis made a great dinner. Big fat juicy steaks with glazed carrots,
asparagus and what not. For some reason I just wolfed everything down. Something
I haven't done for ages. I tend to pick at food normally now. In any case
everything was fine until around 11pm..
- Then I woke up. With a craving. Chicken. Must have chicken. I can fight
this. I can. An hour later I'm still wide awake and staring at the ceiling and
the craving has become an all consuming need. For the girls on this list, all
will be clear. For the boys.. Sorry. No chance. I can't explain it. I tried
procrastinating by listing every Kentucky Fried in Sydney out of the phone book.
Then I realised it was 12:15am and here I was, seriously considering driving the
length and breadth of Sydney looking for chicken. Huh?
- This is insane. I went back to bed. Ten minutes later I was assuring myself
that the only reason I was driving to Hornsby was to prove that there were no
KFC stores open. It was shut. Hmm. What about Neutral Bay. Nope. Epping! Nope.
Ryde! Nope. Looks like the city.. Arrrgggghh I've just spent an hour driving all
over the north shore trying to prove to myself I am not a slave to these
hormones!!!!! I was driving down Victoria Rd towards the city (just to check and
see if anything was open) and laughing at the sheer insanity of the situation,
when the word 'CHICKEN' seered into my brain on a lit sign on the side of the
road.
- I never used to have a flat spot on my tires. At least I've proved my brakes
work.
- I rushed over and ordered a Chicken Kebab. He asked if I wanted Chilli
sauce. BANG! Went my mind. I just had to have Chilli sauce. So here I am, 1:30am
in the morning, sitting in front of a damn computer tucking into a huge Chicken
Kebab in an almost orgasmic state with Chilli sauce dripping down my chin. I'm
wondering at the mind altering nature of hormones. I really, really believed I
was just going out to prove that I could fight the need to go out.... Erm.. Run
that by me again... It seems crazy now, but at the time.....
- As my sister has said to me repeatedly: "I pity the poor sod who you let
catch you. He will have to have the patience of a saint."
- So now I'm full and sated. Two steaks. A Chilli Chicken kebab and a can of
7-up. I'm also wide awake now. I'll watch some TV. Rats. I've got Chilli sauce
on the keyboard.
- March 13th
- Got three rejection letters today. This is very depressing. And the house
that Sis and Hubbie are renting is now on the market. That's means that in about
six weeks I will have to move out. Yoikes. I haven't anywhere to go. And the
dole is pretty awfull. I may have to contact some of the Gay and Lesbian groups
and see if they advertise share accomodation. I'll only be able to pay around
$50 to $100 a week. I may have to sell my car. I wouldn't get much. About $1500
if I'm lucky. It's pretty old and tired like me. Then I will be reduced to
public transport. Sliding downhill here...
- I can't really sell the computer. I will need it for email to get a job. I'd
only get a couple of hundred dollars for it anyway.
- The bright spot has been my many admirers on the 'net. I get so many emails
from people all over the world offering support, but you can't live in it or eat
it. I'm currently carrying on three really good conversations at the moment. C
is a guy in the air force. He's so good to me. Pity he's in North Queensland.
The other two are stateside. R is a lawyer working for the senate in Washington.
He and I have this long association now and he is just so cultured and well
spoken. And the letters he writes are just so goooooooddd. The last is my
favourite. D. He's married and has his wifes ok to correspond. She has a severe
brain disorder and we have sent each other dozens of emails discussing what can
be done from a medical and personal perspective. He also writes the most
romantic letters I have ever read. They make me completely melt. We both know
nothing could ever happen, but it's just so good to get the validation and
understanding. He's a natural shining knight. His wife is very lucky and I've
told her so. I'm currently trying to explain the things to do from a womans
point of view that will help her feel less helpless. She can't do much and
shakes continuously so she recognises the similarity between me staying at home
and her unable to go out. The weirdest thing was that we have been discussing
female response at a physical level! I think he found that rather confusing at
first, but when I explained in detail the difference between male and female
responses to touch and emotion and the massive difference between male and
female orgasm he just didn't believe me. He then asked his wife and she said I
was spot on. Hmm. Very interesting. I had a male body for 40 years but the
hormones have worked some sort of spectacular magic that allows me to experience
a physical reaction that I only had an inkling of before. They are just so
completely and utterly different! And Vive-La-Difference!
Yeoooooooooooooooooowwwwww!!!!
- On a side note, I've been getting emails from Perth from friends coming out
of the woodwork telling me about themselves. They've all said that the courage I
had to 'come out' in such a spectacular way with my web page inspired them and
gave them the courage to do the same. So far I've been privileged to have had
one guy come out as a CD, two guys as gay, two girls as lesbian, 1 FtM TS and 2
MtF TS. I never guessed with any of them. But then they also said the same of
me...
- March 19th, 1998
- It seems the references and my almost obsessive persistence and sunny nature
has worked. I have finally got in front of potential employers. One is an ISP,
one a large accounting software company and the last is a major hardware and
software supplier.
- And I have proved yet again that if I can get in front of a potential
employer I can knock their socks off. I know that sounds very self serving, but
the plain fact of the matter is that each of the PE's called their respective
headhunters and wanted to arrange second interviews immediately. Apparently one
of things that made a difference in my approach was when they asked if I could
handle crisis situations. My response:
- "In the last year I have lost my 'ex, my children, my parents, my brother,
my assets and my income. I have no assets other than a broken down car and a PC.
I am on the dole and will very shortly have no place to stay. I have approached
170 potential employers in the last six weeks and only managed to get to three
interviews of which this is one. I have had to endure being perceived as a kook.
I have often been treated as a pervert and mentally ill person by the public. I
have been physically assaulted simply for being who I am. I am 41 and having to
start life anew in a new persona without any prior experience, assets or close
friends. I have to face the very real possibility of never having any kind of
physical or emotional relationship. Yet after all this I can sit in front of you
and talk confidently about my future and yours, joke and laugh, and talk about
the kind of work situations you have had to deal with and how I would deal with
them in a businesslike and professional manner. I think that disposes of the
problem about me being able to handle a crisis.. Oh.. And think of this.. You'll
never have to worry about me requesting maternity leave."
- It got their attention. I got second interviews. Cool.
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