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Purgatory
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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- 1977 - Age 21
- I had my twenty-first birthday party. My meager social group turned up and I
just couldn't stop running back and forth from the kitchen getting drinks and
nibblies for everyone. I had stopped driving cabs and was working in a shop. The
wife of my boss was very close to me as we had spent many hours talking about
life. She followed me around and draped herself over me. In my complete naive
innocence I had no idea what was going on. I just didn't pick the cues up.
- The next day she called me at my flat and said she had to talk to me about
something very important. I said sure and put the kettle on. She arrived and was
obviously nervous. I tried to comfort her, but she kissed me and lay on top of
me. I was shocked and a little frightened. I tried to stop her, but she was so
insistent and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by rejecting her. It happened
very quickly.
- So at twenty one I had my first 'male sexual experience'. I cried. When she
asked me why I was crying, I said it was because it was so good. I lied because
I just couldn't hurt her feelings. I felt so appalled that this was what I would
have to do for the rest of my life that I could hardly think rationally. It was
so different from when I was with Judy and the guys liked me. In fact the one
thing that seered my brian while she did it to me was that I wanted what she was
getting. She left her husband and brought her kids to live with me. I think it
was then that I figured out I was doomed and I had better apply what little
intelligence I had towards being the best, most efficient, provider I could be
because it was fate. I felt like a pawn in everybody else's games. My boss fired
me and made my life very hard, but in a way that said that I was not worthy of
even talking to. When she and I went to see him, he ignored me completely. I
felt sick and humiliated. It ended badly.
- My father said I was in love with being in love and told me to stop being
stupid.
- I went to see my H. I sat and told him what had happened over the last few
years and ended up sobbing. He was so moved he gave me a hug. It was wonderful.
I leaned there with my head on his chest for a moment, then looked up into his
eyes and suddenly realized how much I was in love with him. I pulled away
hurriedly and said "Sorry. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have bothered you."
and despite his protests I drove home. After all that had happened to people I
cared about I absolutely didn't want anything bad to happen to him. "Anyway," I
thought, "He's well and truly straight. It would never work." Then I'd moan as
waves of sorrow and need for him washed over me.
- I worked for a short time at a repatriation hospital. It was hell. My job
was to call the elderly gentlemen in to see the doctor for the last time before
being sent home to die. Often I would call their names and realise they hadn't
made it and would move onto the next one. Then when all of them had left, an
orderly and I would pick the frail bodies up and place them on gurneys in the
corridor. I didn't stay in that job for long. I'd seen so much death and
violence in my life I didn't want to see any more.
- I then started in the computer industry. I knew nothing, but talked my way
into a firm and worked every hour I could to learn. I would work until I nearly
fell asleep, go home, sleep, get up and go back to work. At least working
yourself to death is easier than running into trees to hurt yourself. I was
living in an abandoned and condemned house near where I worked. It had millions
of cockroaches and the roof was partially falling in. I managed to make one area
clean and cockie-free. I was only being paid a minimal wage so I couldn't afford
to buy much food but at least I wasn't injecting it into my arm.
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