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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- 1979 - Age 23
- I was in the far north coast of N.S.W. working on farm management software.
On a strange impulse I decided to call a male friend in Perth. We spoke for a
while, then he said "There's someone who wants to speak to you." I wondered who.
It was the woman who had left her husband for me. Guilt overwhelmed me. She told
me how much she loved me, how much the kids loved me, how I had hurt her and all
I wanted to do was run away. But guilt held me back. I could have said "no" at
any stage of that relationship but I didn't. My father was right when he said I
was a coward unwilling to shoulder the responsibilities of adulthood. I told her
I would come back to Perth and make everything alright. She was overjoyed. I
felt doomed.
- My partner spent ages trying to convince me not to go. He said it was doomed
to failure. I said I knew that, but I had to make amends for the damage I
caused. He eventually gave up and I left.
- When I arrived in Perth I had to throw away a whole suitcase of woman's
clothes. I was so sad as I pushed them into the dumpster. "Get used to it. You
must break this. You are about to have a family. Be a father. Be a man."
- When I arrived I found to my horror that she had been in a relationship with
the friend I had called and she was just breaking off from him. I could have
died. All my decisions caused pain for others. I went to see him. He was filled
with rage for me and threatened to kill me if I got within a hundred yards of
him.
- So. Instant family. I tried the best I could. It wasn't enough. She was very
distressed and we had a lot of arguments as well as good times. Luckily she
didn't want sex very often which made it easy for me to avoid it. I just kept
telling myself that I had no choice. Just 'do the right thing'. Ignore pain.
"Pain is not a valid reason for stopping" I kept repeating. This was life. My
needs are irrelevant.
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