Personal Details
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Details
Experience
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Employment History
Strengths and Weaknesses
My Diary
Purgatory
Paradise
Paradise Lost
Paradise Regained
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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- 1985 - Age 29
- Depressed. Suicidal. Work-aholic. My life was collapsing around me. I still
worked 16 to 18 hours a day seven days a week. My secret dual life started
again. Then I met a lady at work who took a great deal of interest in me. We
became good friends although I kept trying to avoid intimacy, as I didn't want
to hurt her.
- I left my current 'relationship' and it was so bad. She was so obsessed with
me. I hurt her a lot, but I just couldn't continue. I went to the U.S. to open
the new branch of my business and stayed for three months. When I returned, I
moved in with this new lady friend. I knew it was wrong and I kept saying "I'm
not right for you. You don't understand. I'm really very, very sick." But she
persevered.
- 1986 - Age 30
- I proposed to her. I loved her very much, but couldn't shake the funny
feeling I was making one huge mistake. I decided it was time to grow up, be a
man and stop being nervy. It's funny now, because years later we acknowledged
that the moment that I proposed was the most romantic thing that had ever
happened to us. The funny thing was that I set the whole proposal up just like I
would want it to happen to me.
- The wedding was idyllic. But I couldn't do any of the 'manly' things. My
speech wasn't and I just sort of drifted through the day.
- The girls (two step-daughters) were marvelous. I just loved seeing them all
dressed up and learning to walk in heels.
- A short time later it was obvious it wasn't going to work. I was avoiding
sex at all costs by working late, starting silly arguments and giving my soul up
to the idea of 'doing the right thing'. This also made life difficult for the
girls. I wanted so much to be a 'real' father, I did stupid things to prove I
was worthy. Even then, I think they could see something was very wrong.
- Then she had an affair. She went to Africa to deliver some medical supplies
and fell in love with an African doctor. I felt compelled to fight for her,
because I just knew that the situation with her and the doctor was a disaster in
the making. The sad thing was that I succeeded and although I felt sick about
having to fight for a personal hell just to avoid someone else having worse
pain.
- The affair fizzled out due to my efforts. She fell madly in love with me
again and all was fine for another few months. Then I started having panic
attacks. I hated myself and what I had done. I loathed everything about myself.
I tried so hard to be a man I became a parody.
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