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Purgatory
Paradise
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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- 1987 - Age 31
- I had found out about a group called the Chameleon society. It is for
cross-dressers. I thought that perhaps that what I was. I knew I wasn't straight
in that I just didn't feel comfortable being a 'man' in bed with a woman. But I
also knew I was not gay because I feel equally uncomfortable about being a 'man'
with another man. I remembered what that shrink said about me being transexual,
and everytime I saw an article about it I got hot all over and it just felt
right. But I couldn't go down that path. I was married. I had to provide for the
children. I thought that perhaps the shrink got it wrong. Perhaps I'm just a
cross-dresser.
- My wife was away for a business trip and I decided I was finally going to do
something about myself and drove to one of their meetings. I walked down a hall
and immediately recognized the lady at the counter. I panicked and ran. She and
I had gone to school together. I was weak as well. I just couldn't face a person
I knew about this. I was sick.
- 1990 - Age 34
- I went to a doctor because I was having pain around my anus. He took one
look and turned to me. "Are you gay?" I shook with rage and said I had been
raped many years earlier. He said I would have to get the damage fixed and shook
his head about my excuses for not getting it done earlier. "They really roughed
you up, you know. I don't know how you could have stood the pain for so long." I
pulled my jeans up and said "There's more than one kind of pain".
- Two days later I went into a clinic and they repaired the damage.
- 1991 - Age 35
- My wife and I went to the U.K. and I think she really endeared herself with
my aunt and uncle and all the rest of my extended family. I still felt an
outsider though. I was expending so much energy trying to be the 'male' that I
ended up spoiling things for everybody and generally acted like a complete
idiot. I even tried to raise the subject with one of my cousins at one point,
but I just gave up. Not because of her, but I just felt doomed. I started losing
my hair about then.
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