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Experience
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Strengths and Weaknesses
My Diary
Purgatory
Paradise
Paradise Lost
Paradise Regained
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Part I - Purgatory
1923 to 1956 and August 1956 to July 1997 |
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- 1993 - Age 37
- After thirty years I was finally able to admit what I'd known was truth when
I was seven. I read all I could about transexuals and went to the Internet for
more information. To my amazement I was not alone. Hundreds, no thousands, of
others had put up home-pages detailing their personal hell and the road they had
traveled. I was stunned to see how my life-path mirrored so many other people. I
corresponded with a few but kept the whole thing a secret from my wife.
- I had had a sort of friend in school who I felt a kind of affinity for, but
could never articulate what I felt. I had gone to the Chameleon meeting and
'she' was the lady at the desk. For some reason I felt compelled to speak to him
and arranged a lunch. We met and sat down in a Chinese restaurant. He was
nervous and was starting to say something at the same time as me. While we
dithered about, some friends of his noticed us and came and sat down with us.
The moment had gone.
- Then some months later I found a TransGender mailing list and subscribed to
it. As I watched the messages, I seemed to recognize one persons style of
writing. I sent a very guarded email to her and to my utter surprise, it was the
friend I had had lunch with. We talked about how we were both just about to talk
about TransGender issues, but missed the moment.
- My wife and I then decided to stay together until the kids left home. I
still wanted to do the right thing by her and the girls.
- I went again to the Chameleon society. This time dressed. I felt weird. All
those Dad's in Mum's pantyhose. I felt a lot out of place. It seemed that this
was a kind of hobby rather than an urgent need. I realized with a start that I
felt out of place because I really wasn't a cross-dresser. I spent most of the
evening in the kitchen talking to a really nice lady. It was much more fun than
talking to the others whose topics of conversation where still football, racing
and so on. I kept expecting the snap-hiss of a can being opened.
- I found that I had more in common with the lady than with the others. I
think it was about this time I really started to own up to myself that I was not
male. I really am a transexual.
- 1994 - Age 38
- My sister has sent me a letter. I nearly died reading it. Apparently she had
been abused by my father for years since she was ten. And I didn't even know. I
was so consumed with my own problems I couldn't think about the one person who
was close to me for all those years.
- 1995 - Age 39
- My wife and I separated. It was very emotional. The girls hugged me and she
hugged me. But I had to leave. I found an apartment and moved in. I began to
feel a slight bit of freedom. I still had the burning need to take care and
nurture someone so I got a cat. I went to the vets and asked them about kittens
and the girl took me to a large cage. There were dozens of kittens but one
caught my eye immediately. He sat in the corner just watching the others and
didn't move. I felt so sad. I decided to pick him. When I picked him up he
curled into neck and shivered. The girl told me he had been abandoned and had
been badly bruised, so she thought he may have been abused a lot. I smiled and
wrote a cheque.
- I didn't take much from my wife. Only the stuff that she was going to sell
anyway.
- Even though I had learned so much about what I now knew was called 'Gender
Dysphoria' I was still not making any attempt to do anything about it. I was
scared. For myself, for my wife and for the girls.
- Then something happened which changed everything. I was asked by my GP if I
would like to take part in a drug trial. I figured I should do my bit for
science and agreed. I apparently fit a profile for slightly above normal blood
pressure.
- After I had been taking the drug for about three months, I started to detect
changes in my manner and my body. I went to the GP and she said she would
contact the Royal College of Physicians who were monitoring the trial.
- I got a call from her and went around. She told me that they had done a
series of tests on my blood and had found that I was genetically disposed
towards the female. I lied and said I had no idea what that meant, and asked why
I was laughing and crying all the time and so happy then depressed. She said
this was normal for a person taking an estrogen.
- I was dumbfounded. The pills had a miniscule amount of a phyto-estrogen and
my 'hormonal skew' had run riot with the small amount.
- Things began to come into focus. Suddenly therapy seemed to start working. I
now know the physiological reason for this, but at the time it just felt like it
was just getting too hard holding the 'male' mask up. I just started to slip
into being me. Oh! And my hair stopped falling out.. And my blood pressure
dropped to normal.
- The effect was electric. My co-workers started remarking that I was much
more loving and at ease with myself but that I seemed much more effeminate than
before. I caught myself smiling a lot then, because what they thought was me
becoming 'more' effeminate was simply me losing control over my normal work
self.
- In the past I would have beaten myself up for days about this, but this time
I just smiled and shrugged. Gradually the shell started to slough off. I still
saw my wife and she started to notice the radical shifts in my personality
between the 'normal' loving, kind but very effeminate man and the suddenly hard
and brutal, give no quarter tortured soul who seemed hell bent on self
destruction.
- Then I went to see my GP. I told her the full story and she recommended a
psychologist who has treated this before. She said that in Perth the system was
pretty abysmal and I would have a hard time.
- I went to see the shrink. After one session, she asked me to take a series
of tests. I smirked and asked her which ones and rattled off the names of half a
dozen standard tests. "Oh you won't have done these before," she said, "They are
a tree structure designed to tease out certain profiles." I did the tests. One
was a thematic interpretation test. There are a series of black and white
drawings with a really ambiguous meaning. I had to write a little about each and
make up a story. I found that I just couldn't stop and wrote pages about each
picture.
- Then one day I sat in front of her and she said she had finished grading the
tests. She then put both hands out palm up. "In my left hand is an invisible
pill. If you take it, all confusion about your gender identity will disappear.
You will be completely and comfortably MALE. In my right hand is another
invisible pill. If you take it, all confusion about your gender identity will
disappear. You will be completely and comfortably FEMALE. Choose." I said "The
right one" and then we looked at each other as I realised what I had just said.
A wave of relief and happiness washed over me and I smiled and started to cry. I
was strong enough. My father was wrong and so was I. I could do this.
- When I left I was crying with relief. I went to an office to drop something
off and the lady who was the office administrator saw me and said "Oh oh!
Some-bodies made a decision! Time for a cup of tea." We went into the kitchen
and I told her about my decision. She smiled and said she had known for a long
time, but didn't want to push the issue. Finally she said "Welcome" and hugged
me. I burst into tears.
- I cleaned myself up and went back to work. One of my work colleagues saw me
and dragged me out to the back. She asked me what was wrong because I had been
crying. I hesitated, then just told her. "Cool" she said, "I've always related
to you as a woman anyway." To my surprise I realized she always had.
- Then I started to plan how I was going to do this. How I would setup support
systems for all the people I cared about. I was going to move to Sydney at the
end of June and decided I would tell everybody about a month beforehand.
- Before that time my 18 year old step-daughter came to me and we had the
following conversation:
- Her: Are you gay?
- Me: To answer that question you have to know that I always answer questions
truthfully and directly. There may be hidden assumptions in the question that I
may be aware of that you might not be. It is not my responsibility to make you
aware of those. The answer is "No".
- Her: Are you going to have a sex-change?
- Me: (Gulp) Er.. Have you any idea what a difficult position you've put us
into? If I lie and the truth comes out, you will feel betrayed. If I tell the
truth, you will have to not tell your mother or sister until I think its
appropriate. Do you still want me to answer the question?
- Her: Yes.
- Me: Then the answer is also yes.
- Her: Cool. Now I can have two mums. Can I do your eyebrows?
- Within a week I had to tell my parents, my brother and sister and of course
my other step-daughter. I just had to make sure everybody had someone else to
confide in, otherwise the pain for them would be too great. As usual there was
nobody for me, but I'm used to that.
- My parents told me that they were shocked, but told me stories about when I
was young that made a lot of it clear. I had brought a short list of new names
and as part of the healing process I let them choose one name each. They are
still a little uncomfortable about it, but were essentially alright. This was a
complete shock to me. My father just sat and then said, "We always knew there
was something wrong". He wouldn't elaborate though and kept trying to lecture me
on the evils of doctors and how they twist the truth. I let him have his rant.
- My brothers response was "Yeah? So? Ok. You'll still be you won't you. It
doesn't matter how you look. Wanna play this video game with me?"
- My eldest step-daughter is ok but a little uncomfortable with it and
probably will be for a long time. We correspond via email regularly and she is
always supportive.
- My wife came to me. She held my hands and looked at me and said "I know". I
didn't know what to say. She told me that she had a flash of inspiration and
suddenly began to understand the last few years of us being together. She has
actually taken it as a validation of herself as a woman and has sloughed off her
melancholy and has started really living her life.
- We arranged the divorce and it became legal in February. By the time I left
for Sydney, she gave me a whole bunch of her clothes that didn't fit her.
- All the people I knew in the computer industry in Perth who I told were not
the least surprised and their openness and kindness just kept me shaking my head
and wondering why I hadn't done this earlier.
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