Hi to all my new friends!!!
I hope you will enjoy the things you find on this page...I have tried to make it a PG site but, if I slip up & say anything in bad taste or offensive, please forgive me and also, let me know.

I will tell you now that any mention of cultures, sexes, nationalities, religions, races, or even persons with certain hair colors is strictly for HUMOR'S Sake and in no way reflects my opinion of anyone. I LOVE PEOPLE...and if we're honest, we will admit there is humor in every 'special' group in the world. Take no offense...I make a lot of fun of myself, too. Just enjoy the floor show and put your prejudices in your back pocket and SIT ON THEM.
Bringing happiness & laughter to the world is my aim...Making an idiot of myself in the process is my game. I laugh at least once a day( usually when I look in the mirror) and that is what keeps me going. As a Psychiatric Nurse, I assure you that smiles, giggles, laughing out loud and good old fashioned BELLY ROLLERS are just what the Dr. orders 99% of the time. Now, open your mind...throw out your troubles...and say.............
HA-HA-Ha-Ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaa

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus!"


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, put my arms around my wife, nuzzle her neck and whisper romantic things in her ear and BINGO...she pretends she's asleep.


An old lady is rocking away on her front porch reflecting on her long life when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her. The old lady is informed that she can be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
POOF! Her rocking chair turns into solid gold.
"Gosh, I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess!"
POOF! She turns into a beautiful, young woman!
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch and stops beside her old hound dog.
"Ooh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
POOF! There before her stand a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine!! She stares at him, completely smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."


A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!! Soooo....."


A blonde had a near death experience that has changed her forever. The other day, she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.


POINTS TO PONDER AT ODD TIMES
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • How come a-b-b-r-e-v-i-a-t-e-d is such a long word?
  • If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
  • If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
  • Do fish get cramps after eating?
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
  • If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
  • Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


Did you hear about the Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their business? Their slogan: "Either way you get your pet back."


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes."

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.


Hillary Clinton, having some difficulty handling the current crisis of her husband's infidelity charges, has hired a new advisor to help her deal with this situation. The new advisor: Lorena Bobbitt.

Al Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."


Top 47 OXYMORONS:
  • 47.Act naturally
  • 46.Found missing
  • 45.Resident alien
  • 44.Advanced BASIC
  • 43.Genuine imitation
  • 42.Airline Food
  • 41.Good grief
  • 40.Same difference
  • 39.Almost exactly
  • 38.Government organization
  • 37.Sanitary landfill
  • 36.Alone together
  • 35.Legally drunk
  • 34.Silent scream
  • 33.American history
  • 32.Living dead
  • 31.Small crowd
  • 30.Business ethics
  • 29.Soft rock
  • 28.Butt Head
  • 27.Military Intelligence
  • 26.Software documentation
  • 25.New York culture
  • 24.New classic
  • 23.Sweet sorrow
  • 22.Childproof
  • 21."Now, then ..."
  • 20.Synthetic natural gas
  • 19.Passive aggression
  • 18.Taped live
  • 17.Clearly misunderstood
  • 16.Peace force
  • 15.Extinct Life
  • 14.Temporary tax increase
  • 13.Computer jock
  • 12.Plastic glasses
  • 11.Terribly pleased
  • 10.Computer security
  • 09.Political science
  • 08.Tight slacks
  • 07.Definite maybe
  • 06.Pretty ugly
  • 05.Twelve ounce pound cake
  • 04.Diet ice cream
  • 03Working vacation
  • 02.Exact estimate
    And the Number one top Oxymoron
  • 01.Microsoft Works


Working in a Psych Unit has been a wonderful learning experience for me. A lot of the patients are very insightful about their illness and joke about it as a means of coping. I have no intention of calling names or in any other way disclosing identification of anyone. I just want to share some of the things I have heard & maybe, in the process, make some people aware that there is no such thing as "normal" in this world. We are all individuals with problems, physical...emotional...spiritual...mental..., all have to be dealt with in some way.
Actually, most of my patients are more 'normal' than I am. Enjoy the humor in the spirit it is set forth to you.


COMMENTS OVERHEARD ON THE UNIT
  • I said "NO" to drugs...They just didn't listen.
  • Get scared...I'm coming off my medication.
  • How do I eat like this? One of me is right-handed & one is left-handed & I'm both hungry.
  • "Life is a cop-out for peple who can't handle drugs."
  • "If I ran for President, we would really have a 'Bi-Partisan' ticket."
  • Sometimes I just tell these voices to "SHUT-UP!!!" But this morning one of them answered, "What are you going to do if I don't, SPANK me?"
  • "LUCY was committed, I'm DONNA, so can I leave?"
    (From a patient claiming to have multiple personalities)
  • If you are Manic/Depressive, which cycle comes first?


PROBLEMS OF HAVING MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES

  • #1. Can you list the "others" as dependents on insurance and get the Family Plan?
  • #2. Do you have to have a separate policy for 'everybody'?
  • #3. If one of the others is a child, does he have to be enrolled in school to be covered?
  • #4. If you are a man with an alternate female personality, would insurance cover a hysterectomy?
  • #5. If you are a female with an alternate male personality, what happens if "HE" takes over while you're in labor?
  • #6. In either of the above situations, could you become pregnant during masturbation?
  • #7. Can you name yourself as beneficiary on a Life insurance policy if you are planning to 'kill' one of the others?
  • #8. If you are angry at one of the others & not speaking, could you just call home & leave them a message on the answering machine?
  • #9. What happens if one of you is 'in the mood' and the others aren't?
  • #10. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide...is it considered a HOSTAGE SITUATION?

This is Me!
NO! This is me!!

Then, who am I?
WILL
YOU
ALL SHUT UP?
I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!!!
ME,TOO!!!

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting 88,88,88,88..." Until a blonde came up to her and said,
"That looks like fun, can I try?"
The brunette said sure so the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street"
So the blonde said "OK" and stood in the middle of the street.
"88,88,88,88-"
BAM!!!!!! She was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."


A preacher went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. {Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and him with me.}
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10". {I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.}


Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed:"The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance."


A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What Denomination?" asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."


On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the preacher and one farmer arrived at the village church. The preacher said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
Thinking he had a duty to minister to this faithful servant, the preacher began his sermon. After a good hour had passed he finally finished. Wanting to be sure he had given the man some food for thought, he asked what the fellow thought. "Well, if only one cow showed up at feeding time, I'd sure feed him. But, I wouldn't try to choke him to death with the whole herd's food."


During a children's sermon, the teacher asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!'


I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" my little boy asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and then said,
"And God threw him back down?"


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