By now I'm sure you have discovered my mind is crammed full of insignificant things that takes up so much room I have none left for important information. I have looked in the classifieds for several years to find the perfect job for myself. The qualifications would read something like..."WANTED: Person to do work requiring a vast amount of sniveling, unimportant, useless, unsupported trivia. No experience required. College not important. NO degree could prepare for this job. 50K...3 months vacation after 1 month...5 personal days a month. No need to apply in person, we can tell with a phone call if you qualify." So far, I haven't found anything like this. If you see or hear of such a position, my E-Mail addy is at the bottom of the page.
Seriously, I seem to have the ability to recall useless bits of trivia at the strangest times. My husband says I remind him of Rosie O'Donnell.{not in appearance, just mental capicity} I would like to share some of these tidbits with you. It could fill in conversational lulls at parties or impress your boss or just fill your mind when the stresses of life are too heavy to deal with at the moment. Read on and ENJOY !!!


Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age


  • 1. Home is where you hang your @.
  • 2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  • 3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  • 4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  • 5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  • 6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  • 7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
  • 8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  • 9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  • 10. The modem is the message.
  • 11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  • 12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
  • 13. A chat has nine lives.
  • 14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
  • 15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
  • 16. What boots up must come down.
  • 17. Windows will never cease.
  • 18. In Gates we trust.
  • 19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
  • 20. Modulation in all things.
  • 21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  • 22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
  • 23. Know what to expect before you connect.
  • 24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
  • 25. Speed thrills.
  • 26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


WIERD THINGS IN EVERYDAY LIFE
  • 1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  • 2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
  • 3. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
  • 4. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?


SOMETHING To Do On A Saturday Night


...You can play music on your phone by pressing the buttons on the top (1,2,3)...and along the side (6,9,#). But don't play the 4,5,7,8,*, or 0. They sound even worse than the others.
  • Happy Birthday
    112163
    112196
    11#9632
    969363
  • Auld Lang Syne
    11113212
    321139#
    #9331212
    321##91
  • Frere Jacques
    12311231
    369369
    9#9631,9#9631
    191,191
  • Mary Had a Little Lamb
    3212333
    222,399
    3212333
    322321
  • Louie, Louie
    111-66-999-66
  • Help
    911
    911
    911
    911


Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions by various people...
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
An experiment in artificial stupidity
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One taco short of a combination plate
A few feathers short of a whole duck
The cheese slid off his cracker
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't know much but, leads the league in nostril hair
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Her sewing machine's out of thread
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Sky light leaks a little
Slinky's kinked
Too much yardage between the goal posts
Lights are on, but no-one's home!

These are comments heard on the Psychiatric Unit where I work. Some were serious, some were said as jokes, some comments were made by STAFF.{LAUGH}

INEFFECTIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS


* As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
* I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
* As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
* I am at one with my duality.
* I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
* I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
* Why should I waste my time obsessing over the past when I can spend it in phobia about the future?
* Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

LIFE AFTER 40
HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER...

  • EVERYTHING HURTS & WHAT DOESN'T HURT DOESN'T WORK.
  • THE GLEAM IN YOUR EYE IS FROM THE SUN HITTING YOUR BIFOCALS.
  • YOUR LITTLE BLACK BOOK CONTAINS ONLY NAMES ENDING IN M.D.
  • YOU GET WINDED PLAYING CHESS.
  • YOUR CHILDREN BEGIN TO LOOK MIDDLE AGED
  • YOU BEGIN TO OUTLIVE ENTHUSIUM
  • YOUR MIND MAKES CONTRACTS YOUR BODY CAN'T MEET
  • YOU KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS BUT NOBODY ASKS YOU THE QUESTIONS
  • YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE PAPER IS "25 YEARS AGO TODAY"
  • YOU SIT IN A ROCKING CHAIR AND CAN'T GET IT GOING
  • YOUR KNEES BUCKLE AND YOUR BELT WON'T
  • DIALING LONG DISTANCE WEARS YOU OUT
  • YOUR BACK GOES OUT MORE THAN YOU DO
  • A FORTUNE TELLER OFFERS TO READ YOUR FACE
  • YOU BURN THE MIDNIGHT OIL AFTER 9:00 P.M.
  • YOU SINK YOUR TEETH INTO A STEAK AND THEY STAY THERE
  • YOUR PACEMAKER MAKES THE GARAGE DOOR GO UP WHEN YOU SEE A PRETTY GIRL WALK BY.
  • YOU GET ALL YOUR EXERCISE ACTING AS A PALLBEARER FOR YOUR FRIENDS WHO EXERCISE.
  • YOU HAVE TOO MUCH ROOM IN THE HOUSE AND NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN THE MEDICINE CABINET.
  • THE BEST PART OF YOUR DAY IS OVER WHEN THE ALARM GOES OFF.



THINK ABOUT IT


Why, in a country of FREE speech, are there phone bills?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, should you throw away the top one?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
When sign makers go on strike, what's written on their picket signs?
Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do you need a driver's liscense to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there INTERSTATE highways in Hawaii?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's ALWAYS room temperature.