When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 Seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Women do laundry every couple of days.
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man.
Women look nice when they wear jewellery.
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting
time outs, commercials, or replays.
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
RELATIONSHIPS:
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
"I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as
the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart
is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and only dates married women.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys:
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really matter.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night,most of which are "Pass the Doritos.", or "Got any more beer?"
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was
just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a jerk
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.
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