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A Production Of Spyder's Poetry Empire
This Site Is Owned By:Sharon W.
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Hello Again!!!
I hope you are enjoying yourselves. I have tried to keep things rolling and avoid lulls in the conversation. Since we are NEW friends, it can be hard to find things to talk about sometimes. If you get tired of the subjects I chose, please bookmark the site and visit again later.

Some of the things on this page are so embedded in my memory, I don't even remember where I first heard them. Credit is given in a "Blanket Clause" to everyone that shared any of these with me.

Late In Last December
It Was Late In Last December,
As Well As I Remember,
I Was Walking Down The Street In Manly Pride.
My Heart Was All A-flutter
As I Fell Into The Gutter
And A Hog Came Up And Laid Down By My Side.
As I Laid There In The Gutter,
With My Heart All A-flutter,
A Lady Passing By Was Heard To Say,
"You Can Tell A Man Who Boozes
By The Company He Chooses."
So, The Hog Got Up and Quickly Ran Away.

THE BRAVE MOUSE
Some liquor was spilled on the bar room floor
The bar was closed for the night.
A little grey mouse crawled out of his hole
And sat in the pale moonlight.
He licked the liquor off the bar room floor
And back on his haunches he sat.
Then, all night long you could hear him roar,
"BRING ON THAT OLD TOMCAT!!!"

My Mom's First Poem
I never saw a purple cow,
I never hope to see one.
But, I can tell you this right now,
I'd rather SEE than BE one.

THANKFUL

Birdie, Birdie, in the sky,
Why'd you do this in my eye?
Birdie, Birdie, in the sky,
Gee, I'm glad that cows don't fly!!!

A SICK MIND
Birdie, Birdie, in the snow
Broke it's wing and could not go.
I lured it close with crumbs of bread
and then I smashed it's little head.

THE GOLDEN YEARS WE DREAM ABOUT
As we grow older year by year,
my husband always mourns:
the less and less we feel our oats,
the more we feel our corns.

NEWLY DISCOVERED COMPUTER VIRUSES
1. Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
4. Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
5. Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
6. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
7. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
8. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
9. Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
10. PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
11. O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
12. Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

10 WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Some "CUTE" One-Liners"

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"

I have found at this age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of a woman's face.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"

I have decided that Nostalgia is the VCR of our minds.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the nut who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

"Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But she pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness-----after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost.....I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid ....there are so many places they can hide.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ...turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a guy like a book, your library card has expired.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,it will avoid you.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

THE WAY TO CATCH A MAN

     Now, I'll tell you a story 'bout a burgler man
     Who started to rob a house.
     He peaked in the window and in he crept,
     Quitely as a mouse.


     About 9 o'clock this old maid come home...
     "I'm so tired," she said.
     She checked that everything was bolted down tight,
     But she forgot to look under the bed.

     Well... She took out her teeth, her big glass eye,
     The hair came off her head.
     She put on her worn-out flannel gown
     and sat down on the bed.
     
     Well...from under the bed the burgler came,
     He was in an awful freight.
     That weight had felt like a ton of bricks,
     But it was better than this sight.

     From a drawer a revolver she took
     And to the burgler said,
     "Young man, you'll have to marry me
     or I'll blow off the top of your head.

    Well... he looked at her teeth & her big glass eye.
    There was no place to scoot.
    So he said to the old maid standing by, 
    "WOMAN, FOR THE LORD"S SAKE.....SHOOT!!!"

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