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After having taken some time off, I'm back and it feels great.I did get some time to just do nothing and mom seemed to have some sort of inner knowledge that things weren't well with me because she was a real help. There were times when she was up late or up early and hadn't gotten much sleep but, she did try not to be 'onery' as she says. She is doing pretty well now days. We went out to lunch a few times and went to Sizzler last night. She really enjoyed the time out and actually recognized stores, the park and some streets, she couldn't name them but did know where she was. None of this being more confused when we got back home stuff, she talked about the drive and lunch. We did talk one day about her Alzheimer's, she had started to say something and forgot what it was in mid-sentence, she remarked how embarrassing it was when that happened, she just "can't hold on to her words long enough anymore", but she felt she was somewhat better now than she had been when she was taking all those pills. She told me that she prays everyday that I don't get AD because it is the worst disease you can imagine, at least with some of the others you know your going to die, with AD you don't even know that much.
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February 11 Check out this site. It is full of excellent books at very reasonable prices - Peter Waite - Alzheimer's Disease Book Store
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February 14 - Happy Valentines Day
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I am happy to say that I am finally back ONLINE..My computer is home and working! I want to thank all of you for your patience and extend my apologies to those that have written. I have 342 e-mails right here and I promise I will answer them all, it just may take a few days to get to all of them. All of you that have requested to be added to either Sharing and Caring or Worldwide Sharing should begin to receive support shortly. I am in the process of getting you added right now. Again, thank you for understanding ang hanging in there with me..Sincerely, Denise
Today was a good day. Mom woke up at 8:30 am, but stayed in bed until 2:30 this afternoon. She just didn't feel like getting up and watched t.v. in her room. She has been in a good mood all day, although she has been asking why I am back on the computer so soon. Her legs have been somewhat swollen the past few days but her lasix is helping that. I finally got her toe nails done, thank God. They were terrible, no wonder it hurt her to walk. She let me do them because I told her she couldn't wear socks until they were done, she has to have her socks not matter what!
Mom basically repeated yesterday, however, when she was awake she was really mean and nasty, all day and night. I think hse had a bad dream at some point. She just wouldn't or couldn't get in a good mood. SOme people write to me asking why I gone on so much about mom's moods, well, the answer is this: When my day is determined solely by what mood my mother is in it becomes very important. I never know if she is going to be happy, combative, depressed, lethargic or just plain old mean. So yes, I go on about her moods and those of you who are just starting out will at some point also. I however am in a great mood. My friend stopped by to share some tapes with me, we jammed all night to good old Four Square Black Gospel. I hadn't heard it nor sung it in years, God it felt good and made my soul smile. No I am not all that religious but, it never hurts. Some higher power knew I needed to hear it and it was provided to me and I chose to thank God, whom I also call the 'Dude' on a more personal level. Now if the 'Dude' could only give me a happy mom tomorrow.
Today was a good day for mom, the 'Dude' came through. She went to bed early last night and slept well through today so she was a happy camper when she got up. She went to bed early again tonight, I was going too also but, I got some disturbing news. In the past three days two of my 'net' friends have lost their loved ones and I was notified tonight that another is close to passing, my friend Steve, who has cancer and diabetes, is going to die any time, I am sitting here pondering what my meaning of life is. I feel so for these people that sleep evades me. I pray daily for ALL, that the suffering, grieving and sorrow ends, for myself, for my mom, for themselves and their loved ones. I often sit and watch my mom sleeping, wondering what she dreams of now, wondering what dreams she had that were never reached, wondering why her life had to be filled with so much struggle. Questions that will never be answered now and I realize just how much of my mom I never really knew.
What a nice day it was. Mom didn't get up until noon which was fine with me because I didn't get up until 11:00 myself. I stayed up way too late last night, didn't go to bed until 6:oo this morning. Mom was so nice when she got up, she thought she was late for school (college) and just knew it was finals day in her math class. I didn't argue with her I just explained that they had called and rescheduled the class due to no lights at the college, this was good enough for her and the rest of the day went without a mention of school. She played with puppies a little and of course wanted to keep them all. We were watching the World News and they had a thing on about Reagan, she said "Hush, they are talking about Alzheimer's and I want to hear it!" She never ceases to amaze me at what information she does retain and how 'un-alzheimer's' like it is.
I had a pretty quiet day today. Mom didn't get up until 3:30 this afternoon and was in a very good mood. After she was dressed and out in the living room eating lunch, she asks me what day it is, I tell her Friday, she then proceeds to ask me if we have any extra money, just a little bit because she would like to go garage saleing tomorrow if I would take her. She blew me away. How did she remember that we always went on Saturdays? We haven't gone for a very long time and it hasn't even been mentioned. I told her I would love to go and even have lunch out, she is really excited about it. She also 'reminded me' that we have a birthday coming up and that she needed to get to the store to get a gift. I didn't think she knew what month we were even in. She didn't even get mad when I told her that Danny was going to watch her tonight so I could go to dinner and the movies with Hollie, she just said great, have a good time and be careful. Weird. I saw Titanic and it was great.
Well since this is my site and my forum, I am going to VENT!! My brother and I got into it again this evening. I have heard from so many others that have trouble with their syblings "Not accepting the Diagnosis", "Not helping out", "Complaining about the care being given". Fine, you don't want to accept the diagnosis, don't then, but you can still help. Take them out to lunch once in awhile, offer to come over and babysit for a few hours so the caregiver can get out, offer to do the household chores once a week, make dinner sometimes and take it over, buy some sundries for the household because they are gone through very fast. Unless you are ready to wear your syblings shoes DO NOT critize the care that is being given because you have no right to say a word. If you think you can do better then move them in with you. Don't think that your "If only I could" attitude is going to comfort anyone because it isn't. The time for should have, would have, could have are gone and will be replaced with guilt for all that you didn't do. If you can't be supportive then you might as well stay away, caregivers have enough crap, stress, anxiety going on in their lives without hearing it and receiveing it from a SYBLING.
Today was terrible. Mom was still upset about the arguement from last night and her son's comment about her needing to be in a nursing home. We all basically walked on eggs today, trying to stay away from him. I told him last night that I wanted him to leave on his next check so. I will be the b---h and dog that he says I am. He still doesn't get it either, he stayed on the phone with the bimbo he met in the chat room for 4 hours (her dime)while mom and I had a great conversation in the living room, she was like her old self. She is ready for him to go also. God I hate this. He did apologize to me for "The way he stated some of the things he said", guess it is suppose to make it alright. He tried to patronize me by taking me and mom out to play pool, she had fun so it was worth it, however, as soon as we got home he got on the phone with 'her' and never did come back in, even to say good night to mom. I really am not mad at the name calling, I am used to that from him but, I am mad that he would say mom should be in a nursing home because I am doing a good enough job. I don't care what he thinks about the job I am doing with mom, I am confident in what I am doing for her but saying it in front of mom..I was up until 3:00am calming her, reassuring her that she wasn't going into one.
Today was a lot better. I got mom up at noon, we had lunch together, she helped me dust because her lady from church was coming over. We talked off and on all day about stuff and about nothing. She was in a good mood and had gotten over the NH episode. My brother was better today also, he had stuff going on in his own life to deal with so. He bought Chinese dinner tonight and mom ate a lot! She really likes it. He is going to be moving on his next check, after he finished dealing with his stuff tonight we talked, not argued and he realized that it just wasn;t working with him here. He has some issues with mom that he needs to resolve which is why he is the way he is with mom. I hope he realizes that he doesn't have much time to resolve anything.
Things are going much better with my brother. He isn't hanginy on the computer or phone anymore and he is trying to be more active with mom. I feel sorry for him in a lot of ways. He is a very lonely person and for some reason he always allienates those that do care about him. I'm sure he will go back to Seattle and be in the same boat he was in, alone and on his own. I do love my brother I just don't care for his personality, I'm sure he feels the same way about me. Mom is doing ok, we were going up town today but she decided that it was too ickey out for her so we stayed home. I must go tomorrow to pay bills no matter how the weather is. Hollie came up tonight, he is helping me learn AutoCad drafting. He is a designer and I will be doing some work for him soon. I actually did pretty good tonight. I have been teaching it to myself but I didn't know the specs. I do now..GREAT
Today was a good day. Mom was being so goofy it was cute. She still didn't want to go with me to pay bills and stuff so Robert and Crystal came down and watched her. I was in my irc chat room tonight, she asked me what I was doing so I told her to come see. SHe was impressed and wanted to talk a little too, which she did. The people that were in there with me laughed at her funny comments and pondered her serious ones which lead to a great discussion on: Should they be told they have Alzheimer's or not..Very thought provoking. We stayed up later than usual and watched HBO, I was getting ready to turn it because Real Sex 19 was coming on, mom pipes up and askes if they are going to show naked guys and I told her yes, she says hold on a minute while I wash my glasses..LOL We didn't watch it but it was funny.
I just can't understand my brother. He is back at it again. On the computer and the damn phone. I can't understand her either, I know he has lied to her about everything in his life yet she still calls him and SHE pays for it..Hollie has been coming up to teach me Autocad so I can make some money that I desperately need and what does my brother do, hangs on the phone in his room the whole time instead of sitting with mom so that I can concentrate on learning this stuff. I don't know what I have done all this time without ALL his help..OK, enough Denise, you can't change a leopards spots no matter how much you complain. Mom was ok earlier today, she was in a pretty jolly mood, although she didn't get up until nearly 3:30pm. She had no idea where she was today, nor how she got here. She stayed confused all night and got in a bad mood because I wasn't paying enough attention to her because of Hollie. Oh well, funny how she can get mad at me but her son..
Considering it was Friday the 13th, things went well. When it comes to luck I have none, unless you consider the luck of the Irish: I am lucky if I don't step in dog poop with new shoes one. And around here that is a very strong possibility. Mom was still very confused today. I noticed today that mom has something new going on, her face 'flushes' alot but her cheeks and eye sockets get paled looking. When this happens she complains about a headache. Other than for this she has been doing pretty well, looking forward to this weekend. She has always liked Valentines Day and my birthday is Sunday so we are going to load up on the sweets this weekend. Robert is working so I won't see much of him and David and Melody are going to the beach for thier anniversary so I won't see them or my grand-daughters, but, my brother, mom, Hollie and I will have cake and ice cream, so it is all good.
We really didn't do anything much today. My brother had to work and mom didn't get up until 2:00 so I waited to give her her gifts until Danny got home. Mom was in a really good mood all day. Hollie came up for dinner and brought me roses *blush*, mom was joking with him. My brother was even in a good mood all night! We watched 'Fools Rush In', mom laughed until she cried. My brother went to bed after the movie and Hollie went home, but mom and I stayed up and watched another movie 'Clover', mom and I both cried. She gave me a big hug and told me she was so happy to have a daughter like me and that she would be lost without me. Not being one to accept praise easily, I joked with her that she is still lost most of the time even with me, she smiled and said at least we were still together.
Today was my 44th birthday. I went to my moms room early and just looked at her, watched her sleep. When she was my age she had a 5 year old daughter, 11 and 26 year old son's and drams of the future, goals had been set. I wondered just how many of those dreams and goals my mom had been able to reach. Had her life been full, did she feel love, had she been satisfied. I realized just how much that I truely do love my mom. Despite all the things that had happened in my childhood, I love her, as she was, as she became and as she is now. I wondered too if she would remember what day it was, would she know it was my birthday? Probably not however, she would be with me for one more. After awhile I woke her up and she smiled at me. I told her it was time to get up and get dressed because we were having company come for dinner. She asked why and I told her. She reached her frail, weak arms up and gave me a big hug, I crawled in next to her and laid my head upon her breast as I had so many years ago. In that very moment my mom was back. There was no need to make a wish when I blew out the candles, it had already been answered.
My computer is crashing so I may not be on for awhile. I will update as possible, please hang on..I will be back..Today is the 8th anniversary of my Aunt Mimi passing from AD, I also find in my mail that two of my 'net' friends have lost loved ones today. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I would appreciate your prayers in that my computer doesn't lose everything, all of my email addresses and ICQ numbers, I would be lost without those because they are my link to all you guys.
Mom is sick, she spent the entire day in bed. I think she has a cold, she was up coughing all night last night but, she isn't running a fever. She just doesn't feel good, very tired. She won't go to the doctor just yet either. I am still having trouble with my computer, which includes email, so if you have emailed me and I have not gotten back to you please be patient, I will I just can't do it right now..
Mom is still sick, another day in bed, her appetite isn't very good either. She isn't vomiting or fevered still just yucky feeling. I started feeling like that during the night too. Guess we must have caught a bug. I guess my brother is going to staying awhile longer, until the end of March. Now that he isn't on the computer all the time things are better. He tries to do for mom but ..She is used to me doing for her and that is the way it has to be as far as she is concerned. Oh well.
My computer is down. I am at a friends house updating today, thank you Joyce!!! I will be offline for about three more weeks. I will update all information as soon as I am back online to stay. My hard drive crashed!!! Please be patient..Thank you.
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