I am writing this in memory of my mother, who suffered from Lupus. Her disease was very severe and towards the end of her life, her mind was greatly affected. There were times she didn't recognize my sisters and me, and it broke my heart to see her suffering so much. Her health had deteriorated drastically and the doctor had said she didn't have much longer to live. She hadn't been able to work in quite some time, she couldn't be in the sun at all, and really was unable to do much of anything. She was so sick, and I believe she felt like she was a burden to the family ~ which, of course, we never felt that way. She was a wonderful mother and we all loved her so very much. She's been gone since 1975 and I still miss her more than I could say.
I remember our last conversation so well... She had asked me if she was a good mother. I told her that if I could choose my mom, I would choose her above any other. We cried and hugged and said, "I love you" to each other, and then the next morning, she was gone. I was only 23 at the time, and devastated to lose my mom at such a young age. She died without ever knowing the three grandsons I gave her in the years to follow.
I wasn't told immediately the real cause of her death, but just assumed it was lupus-related, as she was so ill with this disease. It just about killed me when my family finally told me that my mom had taken her own life. Yet, they were only trying to protect me. Knowing how very close I was to her, they were afraid I just wouldn't be able to handle the truth at the time of her passing. I know they kept it from me out of love. I realize she was just so tired of suffering, from the severity of her lupus as well as all the terrible side-effects of the medications and the many lab tests she had to constantly endure. Some of the things the doctors had to do to her were just horrible. After her memory had gotten so bad, she wasn't even herself anymore. She shot herself that night after I had left her house, and my mom had always hated guns. She'd already been told she didn't have much longer to live, and I believe she just couldn't see prolonging the pain and suffering another day.
Though she has been gone 24 years now, it still seems like yesterday. It's always especially hard for me every Spring, remembering her birthday each April 25th... which is just a week before my own birthday, on May 1st.
I know that I will always miss my mom so much, and wish my children could have known their grandmother.
