I was a sick child with a variety of infections. I suffered continuous bladder and kidney infections. I have had pneumonia too many times to count and as my mom has always said, I was born tired. All my life, I've envied people who could wake up at 6:00 am without an alarm and be in a good mood. I am not worth a damn if I don't get at least nine hours of sleep.

After my son was born, this "tiredness" was ten times worse. In addition, I began to experience headaches, fever, dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, vomiting, diahrrea, back and joint pain, difficulty swallowing, shortness of breath, cognitive dysfunctions, and lovely sores inside my nose. Of course, the best part is that I don't APPEAR miserable. People comment on how good I look and how quickly I've lost weight since having the baby. I don't bother to tell them that it's only because I throw up everything I eat up or it just runs right out the other end.

I am still waiting to hear from my rheumatologist what medications I will be taking. She has informed me that my liver and kidneys seem to be affected. This is so frightening for me, as I know it is for everyone. However, to further complicate matters, I am adopted and do not know who my birth-parents are. It would be very difficult for me to find anyone who was an appropriate donor and would offer me a kidney. I would have to be placed on a waiting list and pray for a matching donor.

My mom is so upset and worried about my illness that she calls me and cries to me about it. I tell her that her falling apart emotionally certainly doesn't help me. I need someone to be strong for me rather than me having to comfort and assure others. I am the one who is sick!

Then there is my husband . . . how I envy those women who have wonderful, caring husbands. Mine seems more concerned about how this is going to affect him and our finances. I am almost to the point of packing up the kids in the car and moving to an island where they use coconuts as currency. He tells me that I am acting like a victim and to stop feeling sorry for myself. Of course he always leaves the room when I have to puke. I sometimes wonder if he thinks I am faking the whole thing. He blames me for being sick, as if I do it on purpose. He doesn't say that in so many words but I know what he means. The only bright spot in my world is my children. My daughter is almost 9 years old and a great little nurse. She understands that sometimes Mommy just has to sleep. And then there is my little angel. I am very lucky to have had him when I did, as the prognosis for my kidneys doesn't look good. I'm sure the doctor will recommend that I not have any more children.

I'm so thankful that I didn't have to go through many years and many physicians trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I happened to have an OB/GYN who recognized my symptoms and suspected lupus, and my ANA happened to be positive at that time. Through the years, I never complained about how bad I felt because I just figured the rest of the world felt as bad too, and I was just a weenie. Now I wish I had complained, as it might have spared my kidneys.

Those of you who have the loving support of your husbands, go give them a big hug right now and tell them how much you appreciate them. You are so lucky to have a compassionate spouse. I know that would make all the difference in the world to me. I wish I could tell my family that, yes I look good, but I'd like for you to live in my body for just one day. The pain is horrible, the constant nausea is unbearable, and the fatigue is debilitating. And to my husband ... NO, I would NOT feel better if I just got out of the house more!

Right now, I am not coping with this very well, but it's only been a few weeks since my diagnosis, I am still very sick, and I have two children to take care of without any help. My children are my only reason to get out of bed in the morning.