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Directional Signal
Bill: "Joe, lean out the window and tell me if my directional signal is working.."
Joe: Ahhh...Yes..No...Yes...No..Yes...
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Lightbulbs
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
--Just one- But the bulb has to want to change!
How many Policeman does it take to change a Lightbulb?
--4-One to change, one for "backup" and 2 to buy the donuts!
How many Norwegians does it take?
--3-One to hold the bulb and 2 to spin the ladder!
How many Ecologists?
--25--1 to change the bulb and 24 to do the environmental impact study!
How many theologians?
--Who can say?--Each has a different interpretation of what "Light" really is!!
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Busines Is Business
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken,
the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do? "The Colonel says, "I need you to
change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread'
to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate
10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can
not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50
million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The
church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to
support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's
prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible
sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your
Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I
will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get
back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he
says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news
is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies,
"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
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A Good Dog
A woman went to the Pastor of the local Assembly of God church to ask if he would perform a funeral for her precious little dog that had just died. "I've been to every other pastor in town. I've been to the Catholic church, the Congregational, the Baptist and the Methodist. No one will do this for me. Please, Pastor, I loved my little dog as if he were my own child."
"I'm sorry," the Pastor said. "This just can't be done. We do funerals for people, not animals. I've never done it before, and I don't intend to start now."
The woman began to wipe tears from her eyes as she sobbed, "You were my last hope, and I really thought you would help me. In fact I had planned to give $1,000.00 to the Pastor who would have a funeral for my little doggie."
"Oh my," the Pastor exclaimed, "You didn't tell me it was an Assembly of God dog!"
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Two Brothers
In a small midwestern town there lived two brothers who were known to be the baddest and meanest. No one seemed to like them, everyone seemed to have a story about being cheated or maligned by these two brothers.
Then one day one of the brothers took sick and died. The surviving brother went to each of the pastors in the town to find one who would preach the funeral for his brother. None of them were willing until at last he came to the Assembly of God pastor. At least this pastor would talk to the surviving brother, but it was a difficult position to be in because the pastor knew that he wouldn't be able to say anything good about the deceased man without being called dishonest. But the brother pleaded, saying that actually he had only one stipulation. That was that at least once during the sermon, the pastor would use the word "saint" when referring to his brother. Finally the pastor agreed just so he could get the man out of his office.
Two days later nearly the whole town turned out to this funeral. The surviving brother,sitting in the front row, riveted his eyes on the pastor as he began to speak. But to his horror, the pastor openly declared just how bad a person was this man who had just died. He had cheated, he had lied, he had no concern for anyone but himself, there was no one he wouldn't step on to get ahead. After ten minutes of this, the surviving brother just glared at the pastor, angry that the pastor had betrayed his one wish. But then the pastor, being the man of integrity that he was, raised his voice to a higher pitch as he said,
"But compared to his brother who sits right down here in front, this man was a saint!"
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Bumper Stickers
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
Cover me, I'm changing lanes.
I'm pro-life, that's why I'm single.
I is a college student.
It's as bad as you think, and they're out to get you.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
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THE CHANGING THOUGHTS ON WINTERTIME SNOW
NOVEMBER 23 - IT STARTED SNOWING AT SIX IN THE EVENING - THE FIRST OF THE SEASON AND THE HUSBAND AND I SAT BY THE WINDOW WATCHING THE SOFT FLAKES DRIFT DOWN OVER THE AREA. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
NOVEMBER 24 - WE AWOKE TO A BIG BEAUTIFUL BLANKET OF CRYSTAL WHITE SNOW COVERING THE LANDSCAPE - WHAT A FANTASTIC SIGHT! EVERY TREE AND SHRUB COVERED WITH A BEAUTIFUL MANTLE. I SHOVELED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS AND LOVED IT. I DID BOTH OUR DRIVEWAY AND SIDEWALK. LATER THE PLOW CAME ALONG AND COVERED OUR DRIVEWAY UP WITH SNOW FRO THE ROAD, SO I CLEANED THEM AGAIN.
DECEMBER 12 - THE SUN HAS MELTED MUCH OF OUR LOVELY SNOW. OH WELL, I'M SURE WE WILL GET SOME MORE BEFORE THE ENJOYABLE WINTER IS OVER.
DECEMBER 15 - IT SNOWED EIGHT INCHES LAST NIGHT AND THE TEMPERATURE DROPPED TO 20 DEGREES BELOW ZERO. SHOVELED THE DRIVEWAY AND THE SIDEWALK AGAIN AND THE SNOWPLOW CAME BY AND DID ITS TRICK AGAIN.
DECEMBER 16 - SOLD MY CAR AND BOUGHT A 4X4 GRAND CHEROKEE SO I CAN DRIVE IN THE SNOW; ALSO BOUGHT SNOW TIRES FOR THE HUSBAND'S CAR.
DECEMBER 18 - FELL ON MY BEHIND ON THE ICE IN THE DRIVEWAY; ALL THAT WAS HURT WAS MY FEELINGS.
DECEMBER 21 - HAD ANOTHER 14 INCHES OF THE WHITE JUNK LAST NIGHT; MORE SHOVELING IN STORE FOR ME TODAY; THE DARN PLOW CAME BY TWICE.
DECEMBER 22 - WE WERE ASSURED OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS BECAUSE 13 INCHES OF WHITE JUNK FELL TODAY; AND WITH THIS FREEZING WEATHER, IT WON'T MELT UNTIL AUGUST. GOT ALL DRESSED UP (BOOTS, JUMP SUIT, HEAVY JACKET, SCARF, EAR MUFFS, GLOVES, ETC.) TO GO OUT AND SHOVEL, BUT HAD TWO CUPS OF COFFEE, THEN I GOT THE URGE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
DECEMBER 24 - IF I EVER CATCH THE GUY THAT DRIVES THAT SNOWPLOW, I'LL DRAG HIM THROUGH THE SNOW BY HIS FEET. I THINK HE HIDES AROUND THE CORNER AND WAITS FOR ME TO FINISH SHOVELING AND THEN HE COMES DOWN THE ROAD 100 MPH AND THROWS SNOW ALL OVER WHAT USED TO BE MY LAWN.
DECEMBER 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS! THEY PREDICT ANOTHER 20 INCHES OF THAT WHITE STUFF TONIGHT. DO THEY KNOW HOW MANY SHOVELS FULL OF SNOW 20 INCHES IS? BOLOGNA WITH SANTA; HE DOESN'T HAVE TO SHOVEL THE WHITE JUNK. THE SNOWPLOW DRIVER CAME BY ASKING FOR A DONATION. I HIT HIM ON THE HEAD WITH MY SNOW SHOVEL.
DECEMBER 26 - WE GOT 28 INCHES AND THEN SOME. I MUST BE GOING SNOW BLIND OR HAVE A SEVERE CASE OF CABIN FEVER, BECAUSE THE HUSBAND IS BEGINNING TO LOOK REALLY GOOD TO ME.
DECEMBER 27 - THE TOILET FROZE. IF YOU GO OUTSIDE, DON'T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW.
DECEMBER 28 - I SET FIRE TO THE HOUSE; NOW THAT WHITE JUNK WON'T CLING TO THE ROOF. HOPE YOUR HOLIDAYS WERE WONDERFUL!
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JOB DESCRIPTION FOR THE PASTOR
As nearly everyone knows, the Pastor has practically nothing to do except -
Decide what is to be done;
Tell somebody to do it;
Listen to reasons why it should not be done;
Listen to reasons why it should be done by someone else;
Listen to reasons why it should be done in a different way;
Follow up to see if the thing has been done;
Discover that it has not;
Inquire why;
Listen to excuses from the person who should have done it;
Follow up again to see if the thing has been done, only to
Discover that it has been done incorrectly;
Point out how it should have been done;
Conclude that as long as it has been done, though incorrectly, it may as well be left as it is;
Wonder if it is not time to get rid of the person who cannot do a thing right;
Reflect that certainly any successor would be just as bad, or even maybe worse;
Consider how much simpler and better the thing would have been done if one had done it himself in the first place;
Reflect sadly that one could have done it right in twenty minutes, and as things turned out, one has to spend two days to find out why it has taken three weeks for somebody else to do it wrong.
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ACCIDENT INVESTIGATION REPORT
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put quote - poor planning - unquote as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number eleven of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise to being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel no weighed approximately fifty pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lesson my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks - in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me - I again lost my presence of mind - I LET GO OF THE ROPE.
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MUD ON PIERCE HILL
It was spring time in Vermont, and two neighbors were standing along side the road discussing how terrible the mud had become this year. Suddenly one of them noticed a John Deer cap in the road, about half way up the hill. Then he noticed that it seemed to be floating down toward them. When it came within reach, he leaned over to pick it up, and was startled to find that under the hat was his neighbor Bob Fellows. "Well," the neighbor remarked, "It sure must be hard walking in such deep mud." "Actually," Bob answered, "it's not too bad being on horse back."
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TIPS ON LOVE
*From those that should know (all questions are answered by kids,
ages 5-10).
WHY DOES LOVE HAPPEN BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE?
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
(Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
(Harlen, 8)
THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
(Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
(Gary, 7)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons'
is on television."
(Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep
finding me."
(Bobby, 8)
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The Christianized Horse
There was once a zealous Christian farmer who wanted to use different
words than "giddyup" and "woah" as commands for his horse. So he taught
the horse to respond to "Praise the Lord" and "Hallelujah". When the farmer
shouted "Praise the Lord", the horse would take off in a fast gallop. When he
wanted the horse to stop, he would shout "Hallelujah".
All went well until the
day he was riding his horse at full gallop across a field when suddenly the
farmer remembered that there was a cliff just a short distance ahead. In his
excitement, he temporarily forgot what he had taught the horse, and he yelled,
"Woah!", but the horse didn't stop. He yelled "Stop!", but the horse kept
running straight for the cliff.
At the last possible minute the farmer
remembered he had taught the horse to stop at the command, "Hallelujah".
When he shouted it out, sure enough, the horse obediently came to a sudden
stop, just inches before the horse and rider would have plunged over the cliff.
Totally relieved, the farmer exclaimed, "Praise the Lord!"
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Isaiah and His Horse
A young lad came home
from church one day, and his mother asked him what he had learned in
Sunday school. He said, "We learned about Isme." Not remembering that
name in the Bible, his mother asked, "Who is Isme?" "I guess it was a horse,
the horse a man by the name of Isaiah rode." "What are you talking about,
there's no mention in the Bible of Isaiah riding a horse", the mother
responded. "Well, he must have", said the young boy. My teacher read from
the place where Isaiah said "Woah, Isme!"
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She Stumped Him
A lawyer and a young woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from
LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a
fun game to make the time go by faster. The woman just wants to take a nap,
so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she
is so young, and a woman, that he will easily win the contest.
This catches the woman's attention and, figuring that there will be no end
to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the
first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The
blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar
bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's her turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three
legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled
look. He takes out his lap top computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the
Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and
friends he knows. All to no avail. After a couple of hours, he wakes the
woman and hands her $50.
The young woman politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The
lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes her back up and asks, "Well,
so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, she reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
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Church Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the
invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when many
choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do
anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water
fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should
be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is
almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last
week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation
if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the
sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return
for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
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So You Want To Drive?
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal
with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little
and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his
father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the
father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of
you.
You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long
hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus
had long hair."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they
went!"
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Directional Signal
