There's the story of the man who was doing his bank business at the local Bank when he caught sight of the "Death Angel" waiting by the outside door. Being somewhat alarmed, he went out the other door and walked around the building to his car and hastily drove home.
When he came into the kitchen, his wife noted that his face was all white, and she asked what the matter was.
He said, "I just saw the death angel."
"So what are you going to do," she asked.
"I'm getting out of town as fast as I can - I'll go to my brother's in Ashfield."
Unbelieving, as soon as his car pulled out of the drive way, the wife rushed down to the bank. Sure enough, there was the Death Angel, still standing by the door.
Being more bold than her husband, she walked up to the Angel and told him that her husband had been very frightened to see him there.
The Death Angel replied, "Well actually, I was also somewhat surprised to see your husband here. I was sure I had an appointment with him later today in Ashfield."
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Engineer in Hell
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. St. Peter checked his dossier and said, Ah, you're an engineer. Youre in the wrong place.
So the engineer reported to the gates of hell and was let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer got dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell and started designing and building improvements. After a while they had air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer became a pretty popular guy.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replied, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here."
Satan said, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God said, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Short Quips
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand - - - you have different fingers.
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You're Not a Kid
You're Not a Kid Anymore When . . .
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half his age, and nobody says he's robbing the cradle.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You take a nap to get ready for bed.
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Lemon Squeezer
At the local hang out, the owner was so sure that he was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a
glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one
more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over
time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the
bet".
After the laughter had died down, the owner said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the owner paid the $1000, and asked the
little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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Good Steak
Two bachelor brothers shared a house, but having different schedules, seldom ate together. However, one Sunday afternoon they both happened to be at home, so they decided to fix a meal together. When it was all prepared, they sat down across from each other, said grace, and began to serve themselves. When it came time to put the meat on their plates, they noticed that one of the two steaks was much smaller than the other. So the older brother said, "Go ahead, help yourself", thinking that his brother would generously take the smaller of the two pieces of meat. "No, you're the older, you go ahead first." They went back and forth this way several times until finally the younger brother reached out with his fork, stabbed the larger, juicy steak, and plopped it on his plate. "Well, I don't believe it", exclaimed his brother. "You certainly are the selfish one, taking the larger steak for yourself." "What would you have done?" inquired the younger brother as he bit into his first piece of steak. "Well, of course I would have taken the smaller piece." "Then what in the world are you complaining about, after all, you got what you wanted."
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COFFEE MUD
The Man on the diner stool complained to the waitress about how bad the coffee was, "It tastes like mud", he moaned. "Well, what do you expect, it was just ground this morning."
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CHERRY TREE
The four sons of a rather strict father were called in for some serious questioning. It seems the back yard out-house had been toppled, and the father was determined to find, and punish the culprit. Starting with the oldest son, he grilled each boy; but each of the four looked their father in the eye and claimed complete innocence. So the father went down the line again, now with considerable anger and threats, but with no better success. Then he decided on a different tactic, and recited to his sons the story of George Washington. "When he was a child, George cut down the cherry tree, but because he told his father the truth, he didn't get punished. Now whoever pushed over the out-house, I want you to be like our great Founding Father, and step up to tell the truth." The strategy worked. Two of the boys, Jim, the oldest, and Joe, the youngest, both stepped up and confessed that they together had pushed over the out-house. The father immediately spanked eah of the two culprits until they both howled. When they settled down, Joe said to his father, "I don't understand why we got this licking. George Washington told the truth and was not punished. Why did we get punished?" "Simple", the father replied, "George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
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SORRY BIKERS
Pulling his rig into the parking lot of a small road-side diner, the truck driver went in, sat up on the stool, and ordered a Turkey Club sandwich. A few minutes later, just after his food had been brought to him, a group of 10 bikers walked into the diner. The arrogant leader walked up to where the trucker was sitting, grabbed the sandwich from the plate, and finished it off in three quick bites while the others watched and snickered. The truck driver said nothing, but got up, paid for the bill, and walked out of the diner. "He sure wasn't much of a man," the biker leader scoffed. "No", spoke up the owner who had been standing behind the counter watching all that was taking place. "He's not much of a truck driver either - it looks like he just backed his rig over 10 motorcycles!"
The Oil Painting
