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Unprepared Highway Crew
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the
situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some
shovels . . . just lean on each other until they arrive."
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Titanic
There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some
have just come to light due to the success of the most recent movie.
For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's
mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The " Titanic" was carrying
12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after
New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning
which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as:
Sinko de Mayo.
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Do You Disciple?
After teaching a lesson in my kindergarten class on Jesus and his disciples, I was feeling quite proud. It was a model lesson, an A, and included a game, a song and a story.
At the conclusion of the lesson, I opened the discussion to questions. With pride, I looked out at my students' wildly waving arms. My lesson was obviously a success. Teaching seemed so rewarding. I would now let them shower me with this new knowledge that I had so skillfully imparted to them.
I called on Brittney to respond. Since her arm was waving more frantically than the rest, surely her observation would be that much more brilliant. "Brittney, what do you have to say about Jesus and his disciples?" I asked eagerly.
"Well," she began, with true kindergarten confidence, "I just wanted you to know that I know a lot about disciples 'cause at my house we disciple everything. We have a special disciple can for plastic, a special disciple can for glass, and a special disciple can for paper. My mom says it's how we save the earth."
I paused, took a deep breath and said, "Let's get ready for lunch."
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What is your name?
Two very elderly men were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in
Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12
years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two, turns to the other and says,...."
Please don't be angry with me, but I am embarrassed, after all these
years...What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "
The older friend stares at him, looking very distressed, says nothing for
2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says....How soon do you
have to know ?"
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Computer Company Secretary's Memo:
To: My Boss
From: Secretary
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to
be
honest, none of this "Y" to "K" problem made much sense to me. At any
rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all
the
company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from
the
printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new
months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now "Y" to "K" compliant.
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The Puzzle
One morning a not too bright guy calls his friend and says "Please come over and
help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
start it."
His friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The first guy says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads
over. He lets him in the door and shows him to where he
has the puzzle pieces spread all over the table.
The friend studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns
and says:
"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to
assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these
Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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Psychology Class
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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Elijah's Water
At Sunday School the topic was Elijan and the prophets of Baal. The teacher explained that Elijah built an altar, placed wood on it, cut the sacrificial bullock in pieces and laid them on the wood. He then commanded that the people fill four jars with water and pour the water over the sacrifice.
"Why do you think they did that?" asked the teacher.
A little girl raised her hand and said, "To make gravy."
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Judgement
When a rural Kansas preacher returned after visiting New England, a parishioner met him at the train station.
"How are things out our way, Hiram?" the preacher asked.
"Sad, sir. A cyclone came and wiped out my house."
"Dear, dear," cried the parson. "Well, I'm not surprised, Hiram. Your remember I warned you about the way you have been living. Punishment for sin is inevitable."
"It also destroyed your house, sir," said Hiram.
"It did?" The pastor was horrified. "Ah me, the ways of the Lord are past human understaning."
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Kleptomaniac
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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Miraculous Rabbit
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of
the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt
so awful that he began to cry.
A young woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the
side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked
the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her
car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead
rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously,
the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two
people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned
around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10
feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and
repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could
be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
"What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the
label. It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair and Adds
Permanent Wave."
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Honest Hymns
THE WAY WE'D SING THEM IF WE WERE HONEST
I Surrender, Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I Like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just As I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking In
Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-Esteem to the World, The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviour on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
When Peace, Like a Trickle
I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style
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The Hereafter
A minister told an elderly neighbor that at his age he shuld be giving some thought to what he called "the hereafter." the neighbor told the pastor that he thinks about it many times a day.
"That's very wise," the minister said. The neighbor explained that it'sot a matter of wisdom. And then he added, "It's when I open a drawer or a closet and ask myself, 'What am I here after?'"
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Clean Glass
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
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Spelling Checker
I have a spelling checker;
vIt came with my PC.
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks I can knot sea.
I've run this poem threw it;
I'm sure your please too no,
its letter perfect in it's weigh.
my checker tolled me sew.
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I'm a Pig
A girl was working at the register in a movie
theatre. A man was ordering food for his
group of friends. As the girl piled the
popcorn, candy, and sodas on the counter
the man grinned and said, "I'm such a pig
aren't I?" The girl smiled back and said,
"Well, the customer's always right."
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Do As I Please?
A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I
please?"
The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."
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When is the Resurrection?
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the
vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher
asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
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The Dog who could walk on water.
Fred took his newfound friend John duck-hunting one day. Soon a shot found it's mark and a duck plummeted to the lake. Fred whistled for his dog and the dog padded across the top of the water, retrieved the duck and trotted back on top of the water to drop the duck at his master's feet. His friend John was amazed and immediately asked him "Can I buy that dog?". Fred said "Sure, I've got another one like him anyways". John couldn't wait to show off his new dog to his friend Wilbur and finally the day came when they were duck-hunting that John had to send the dog across the water to get the fallen duck. As the dog trotted back John waited for Wilbur's look of amazement but instead Wilbur scowled. Finally John blurted out " Well Wilbur, what do you think of my dog?" Wilbur scowled again and mumbled "hmmm,can't swim, can he!"
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Unprepared Highway Crew
