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The Blind Men of Indostan by John Godfrey Saxe
It was 6 men of Indostan to learning much inclined
Who went to see an elephant tho' all of them were blind
That each by observation might satisfy his mind!
The first approached the elephant, and happening to fall
Against his broad and sturdy side, At once began to bawl,
"God bless me! But the elephant is nothing but a wall"
The second feeling of the tusk, Cried: "Ho, what have we here?
So very round and smooth and sharp, to me it's mighty clear
This wonder of an elephant is very like a spear!"
The third approached the animal and happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands, thus boldly up and spake
"I see," quoth he, "The elephant is very like a snake."
The fourth reached out his cagey hand and felt about the knee,
"What must this wondrous beast be like, s mighty plain", said he,
"Tis clear enough the elephant, is very like a tree."
The fifth who chanced to touch the ear, said, "Even the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most, deny the fact-who can?
This marvel of an elephant is very like a fan!"
The sixth no sooner had begun about the beast to grope,
hen seizing on the swinging tail, that fell within his scope.
"To me," quoth he, "the elephant is very like a rope."
And so these men of Indostan disputed loud and long;
Each in his own opinion exceeding stiff and strong.
Though each was partly in the right, and all were in the wrong.
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Rent in the Sky
"Once there was a Christian, he had a pious look
His consecration was complete except his pocketbook.
He'd go to Church and give his dollar and meekly close his eyes.
So glad his weekly rent was paid for his mansion in the skies."
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Family Definitions.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart
to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him/her.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though
they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything
we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to
your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
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A Robe and a Milkman
Early on Saturday morning, a man heard the milkman at the door so he hastily grabbed his
wife's robe, threw it on and went to the door. The milkman embraced him and
kissed him, then turned and ran off when he realized the mistake he'd made.
"Hmmm," says the homeowner, "The milkman's wife must have
a robe like this!"
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A Courtin' With A Light
A farm hand asked the farmer for a lantern to go "a
courtin'. The farmer laughed and says "We never needed a lantern
in my day."
"Yes," says the farm hand, "and look what you got!"
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God's Will
A farmer was on his way to town to buy a cow. On the way he stopped for a brief visit with his neighbor who was a Christian. "Where are you going today," the neighbor asked. "I'm going to town to but a cow." Well actually, the Christian neighbor instructed, you ought to say, 'the Lord willing, I'm going to town to buy a cow.'" "What do you mean, I have the money, they have the cow, I'm going to town to buy a cow." With that, he resumed his walk. Just before reaching the town, the farmer was mugged, his money stolen, and he was left unconscious by the side of the road. When he finally came too, and realizing all his money was gone, he started to limp back towards home. The Christian neighbor saw him coming, and hastened to help. After hearing the story, the Christian farmer asked, "So now what are you going to do?' "Well, the Lord willing, I'm going home."
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Modern Proverbs
Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is that
not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you
is that it goes before you do.
A person who can smile when things go wrong
has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy
Saturday when the television's on the blink.
The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters.
They don't show up until the work is done.
A true friend is one that lets his grass grow
as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult
while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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Laughter Like Medicine
A pastor listened outside the Sunday School room door while the children recited their memory verse. One little boy repeated it this way, "Laughter does good like a medicine should."
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Christmas Confusion
The Sunday School children had been asked to draw a Christmas nativity scene. When the teacher reviewed what they had done, she noticed that one picture, in addition to Mary, Joseph, Angels, Shepherds and Wisemen, also had a rather plump man standing off to the side. So the young artist was asked to explain who this was. "Oh," he said, "that's round John virgin".
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Lot's Wife
The teacher was in the middle of telling the Bible story of Lot's rescue from the sinful cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. When she came to the part about Lot's wife, she said, "And Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt." A little boy's hand shot up. "That's nothing. Last week when my mother was driving to the store, she looked back and turned into a telephone pole."
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Of The Devil
Two drunken men were sitting at the local bar when one turned to the other and asked, "What do you think of that 'speaking in tongues' thing? "I think it's of the devil," replied the other man, "what do you think?" "I don't know, but I don't think it's of the devil, because if it was, you and me would have it."
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Preacher's Pay Is Best
Four little boys were bragging about their fathers' work, and how much money each made. The first boy said, "My father is a writer, he just writes a few lines on a piece of paper, calls it 'poetry', and gets $10.00 for it." The second boy quickly spoke up, "So, my father just writes some dots on some lines, calls it music, and gets $50.00 for it." The next boy said, "That's nothing, my father just takes a few minutes to brush some paint on a canvas, calls it art, and sells it for $100.00." After a brief silence, the fourth boy speaks up, "Well my dad has yours all beat. He's a pastor, and all he does is write a few words on a piece of paper on Saturday night, read them in church on Sunday morning, and it takes four big men to carry all the money out of the church."
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God's Field
A pastor drove out into the country to visit one of his parishioners, a farmer. As he approached the farm, he noticed the man along side of the road, leaning over the fence gazing out at his expansive field of corn, nearly ready for harvest. As the pastor approached, the farmer exclaimed, "Look at this, isn't it beautiful?" "Well I think you should be careful not to be too boastful," the Pastor noted. "After all, it is God who created this field." "Maybe so," the farmer replied. "But you should have seen this field when God had it all to Himself."
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Wake Up Call
A certain pastor was upset with a man in his congregation who was frequently going to sleep during the sermon, so the pastor decided to teach the man a lesson. Near the end of the sermon, the pastor, in a normal voice said, "If there's anyone here this morning who wants to go to hell . . .", he began - then raising his voice to a near shout, continued, PLEASE STAND UP." The sleeping gentleman, startled from his slumber, sprang to his feet. Then he slowly looked around and then said, "Well, Pastor, I'm not sure why it is that I'm standing, but it looks like it's you and I are in the same boat."
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The Green Truck
A group of parachute trainees were being taken up for their first time. The instructor gave the last minute instructions: "After you jump, count to 8 and pull the rip chord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the chord back up parachute. After you reach the ground, a green truck will be there tobring you back to the airport."
When it came time for Joe to jump, he did as he had been instructed. After counting to 8, he pulled the rip chord, but the parachute didn't open. So he pulled the back up chord, but that didn't open either. With deep disappointment Joe said to himself, "With my luck, probably the green truck won't be there either."
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Windows 95
Abraham is trying to load Windows 95 on his computer. His son,
Isaac, walks in and says,
"Dad, what are you doing? You can't load
Windows 95 on to your computer!
You need at least a 486 with 14 megs of memory; you only have
a 386 with no available memory."
And Abraham said, "Don't worry, son, God will provide the Ram."
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God's Grade
A sophmore taking a test in Bible School was not well prepared for the exam. At one
point over a particularly esoteric phrasing of a question,
he wrote, "ONLY GOD KNOWS!" for his answer.
Later when he
got his paper back, there written in RED was this comment,
"God gets an "A", you get
an "F".
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Lifeboat Religion
Our scene opens with two bedrageled men in a
lifeboat. Obviously they've been at sea for sometime and
the prospects for rescue seemed dim.
Jim looked up at Bill
and said, "Bill, we've had it. I'm going to start praying."
Bowing his head, he prayed, "Lord, you know I've not been a prayin'
man, but if we get out of this I'm going to start attending
church. And Lord you know I've been a selfish man, but if
you'll just get us out of this, I'm going to start taking a
real interst in my family and in my community. And Lord you
know I've been a drinkin' man..."
"Hold it! Don't go too far Jim," said Bill. "I think I
see a sail!"
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The Right Prayer
Two "saints" were discussing which one of
them was more 'spiritual'.
"Huh," says the first, "why I'll
bet you $20 you can't even repeat the Lord's prayer."
"You're on," says the second. He clears his throat and
starts in. "Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my
soul to keep, if I should die before I wake I pray the Lord
my soul to take."
The first guy is incredulous. "Wow, I didn't think you could do it. Here's your
$20."
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Gotcha!
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read
Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will
now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Thief
There is the story of a minister in a small town who was having trouble with his
offering collections.
So one Sunday he announced from the pulpit:
Before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who
stole the chickens from Brother Smith's hen house please refrain from giving any
money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief.
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in many months
everybody put something in.
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Superbowl Someday!
A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat
is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard
line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium
and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone
sitting here?" The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great
seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at
the SuperBowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's terribly sad. But still,
couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
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Pastoral Visit
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one
house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door
even though the pastor knocked several times. Finally, the pastor
took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck
it in
the door.
* Revelation 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone
hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with
him,
and he with me. The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate.
Below the
pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10"
Genesis 3:10 --
I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was
naked; and I hid myself.
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God Is Real And Truly Working It Out ! !
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
He
thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like
that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was
praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady,
why
do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?"
But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As
usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and
thanking Him for what He was gonna do.
AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself.
"Hmph...I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole
bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the
front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see
what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries,
she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing
and
shoutin' everywhere!
The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol'
crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those
groceries!"
Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting
and
praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her
problem was...
She said, "I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES,
BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
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The Contest
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical
religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a
great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of
fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's
event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final
test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants
feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets
and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds.
Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on
their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be
finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After
a moment, it came back on-just in time for the clock to announce
that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two
contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said
that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the
other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse, and a dazzling
application appeared on his screen.
After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and
declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, the
judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner
apart from all the other leaders: Jesus saves.
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Jesus is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light
back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the
stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any
way?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
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The Blind Men of Indostan
