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Expecting Fathers
Did you hear about the three expecting fathers, each waiting fo the new baby? The delivery nurse came into the waiting room and spoke to the first dad and said,
"Congratulations, your wife just gave birth to twins!"
"Amazing," was his response, "I work for Twin Pines Motel!"
A little later the same nurse returned and speaking to the second fellow, said, "Congratulations to you sir, your wife just had triplets!"
"Wow, this is amazing, would you believe, I work for AAA!"
As quickly as the nurse turned her back, the third father was on his feet, "Man, I'm out of here, I work for Seven Up!"
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Horse Play
A teacher walked into her first-grade class and found two of the boys galloping up and down the aisles, apparently playing horse and cowboy. The coyboy was yelling "Giddyap," and pointing his finger at each classmate as he passed by. Each child shouted, on cue, either "Gore"!" or "Bush!"
Gradually, the teacher slowed the coyboy to a trot and asked what they were up to. "We're doing the Gallup Poll" was his innocent reply.
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Jericho Walls
The new pastor of a rural church dropped into a Sunday-school class and began quizzing the students to test the effectiveness of the teacher.
"Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?" he demanded of one boy.
"It sure weren't me, Reverend," the boy said.
Turning to the embarrassed teacher, the pastor exclaimed, "I suppose that's a sample of the kind of class you maintain!"
"Now, Reverend, Timmy's a good boy and doesn't tell lies. If he said he didn't to it, I believe him."
Thoroughly upset, the pastor took the matter to the chuch's board of deacons. After due consideration, the board sent the following message to the minister: "We see no point in making an issue of this incident. The board will pay for the damages to the wall and charge it off to vandalism."
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Non-Partisan Pastor
A new pastor of a Presbyterian church in a southern city found himself in a difficult position due to the fact that two officers in his church were running for mayor. The young preacher had to walk with much caution the impartial, equal-time line.
At the post office one morning, a church member who was flagrantly partisan asked, "Pastor, what do you think about the election?"
"I'm praying about it," the pastor told her.
"Well, what are you praying for?" the partisan Presbyterian wanted to know.
And the preacher told her, "I'm just thanking God for the secret ballot."
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Liquid Plumber
A Pastor in Oregon called a plumber to fix a leak in the parsonage bathroom. When the plumber finished the job, he left a bill in the bathroom itemizing the repairs. There was also a P.S. He drew an arrow pointing to a bottle of Liquid-Plumber that the pastor kept in the bathroom, and noted: "How would you feel if you walked into someone's house and found a bottle of 'liquid pastor'?"
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Original Title
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated
back
to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply
(actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded,
it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year
of
origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it
by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain
by
Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new
route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.
The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as
much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope
before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the
Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of
the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.
I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have
our loan?"
They got it.
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Land of Our Fathers
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who
was about a year away from
his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his
knowledge of the
Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to
Israel to experience his
heritage.
A year later the young man returned home.
"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of
our Fathers, " the son
said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however,
I must confess that
while in Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"
So in the tradition of
the patriarchs he went to his best friend and
sought his advice and
solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated
his friend, "I to
sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian."
So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went
to the Rabbi. "It is
amazing that you should come to me," stated the
Rabbi, "I too sent my
son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is
happening to our
sons?"
"Brothers, we must take this to God," said the
Rabbi.
They fell to their knees and began to wail and
pour out their hearts to
the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above
opened and a mighty
voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me.
I, too, sent My Son to Israel."
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Do You Want to Go to Heaven?
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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Why Men Live So Long
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to
whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
The dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so...
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Traffic Stop Humor
A man and his wife are out on the town one evening. Seeing flashing red
and blue lights in his rear view mirror, he pulls to the side of the road. A
minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says: What's the problem officer?
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm
afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going at least 80. [The man gives wife a dirty
look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light.
Wife: Harry you've known about that tail light for weeks. [The man gives his
wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat
belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
Man turns to his wife and yells: FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD, CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT
YOUR MOUTH!
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk
to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
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Questions Without Good Answers
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops.
On my desk I have a work station...
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with
battery?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,
is a fog horn made out of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
"Quit while you're ahead?"
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm
in the bathroom.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
of everything outdoors?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
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The Family Bible
A small boy opened the big old family Bible with
fascination, and looked at the very old pages as he
turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in
between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy
called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!"
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Daddy's Sermons
A pastor tried to prepare his two children for what he thought might be a boring high school graduation ceremony. "Graduations are sometimes long, boring events," he said. "I want you gus tobehave and not constantly ask when it's going to be over."
"Don't worry, Dad. We'll live", his daughter replied. "We last through all of your sermons, don't we?"
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Church Pew Position
A couple who usually sat in the back whenever they attended the church service.
One one particular Sunday they decided to move up to the front in order to be sure to hear the sermon.
Even though they had been attending the church for several years, the long time church member they sat next to did not recognize them, but cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y'all from?"
Taken by surprise, the husband mumbled, "The back."
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Office Water Cooler
Things you'll seldom hear around the office water cooler:
* "I love my boss so much I'd gladly work for free."
* "I'm going to run down to the cafeteria and ask the cook for his recipes."
* 'Boy, I wish I could make coffee as good as that vending machine opn the third floor."
* "I don't want the promotion if it's going to make my co-workers envious."
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You May Be A Preacher If . . .
You've ever lied to the choir director about how good the cantata
sounded.
Your wife has amassed a huge collection of unsolicited casserole
recipes.
You think Exegesis should be an Olympic Event.
You love to eat lunch alone so you don't have to say grace out loud.
You sort of enjoy inviting the Mormons in to "talk."
People apologize to you after they use profanity.
While shaving, you've pointed at yourself in the mirror and shouted,
"REPENT!" just to see what you look like doing it.
You ever talked to a person who was sitting on a bedpan.
You find yourself counting people at a sports event.
You've spoken for free, and are worth every penny of it!
You received an anonymous U-Haul gift certificate.
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Real Letters That Children Sent To God
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole
world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words
in the house?
-Anita
Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that
okay?
-Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had
everything.
-Jane
Dear GOD,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if
You did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce
Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You
will not hurt him anyway.
-Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can
look it up.
-Bruce
Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - Please don't let me be Jennifer Horton
because I hate her.
-Denise
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much
hair all over.
-Sam
Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You
made on Tuesday. That was cool.
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Parking Ticket
An exasperated salesperson abandoned his car in a No Parking zone and left
this note: I've circled this block twenty times. I have an appointment and
must keep it or lose my job. "Forgive us our trespasses."
Upon returning, he found this note: I've circled this block twenty years.
If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. "Lead us not into
temptation."
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Baby Picture?
After making a few calls at the local hospital, the pastor got on the crowded elevator to head for the lobby. A young man, grinning broadly, was passing around a photograph. Amid appreciative smiles, someone asked for the weight. "Six-and-a-half pounds," the young man exclaimed.
"Congratulations," the pastor interjected. "Boy or girl?"
His grin spread even farther. "Bass," he said.
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Expecting Fathers
