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Uncaring Devotion
This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he
died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and
crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to
lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist,
chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand
with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral" she replied.
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A Frog at the Bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the
teller. He can see from her name plate that the
teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a
long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and
asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says, "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says
that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he
knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is
a substantial amount of money and that he will need to
secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he
has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says,
"Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain
elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and
perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that
she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears
into a back office. She finds the manager and says:
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he
wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the
tiny pink elephant "I mean, what in the world is this?"
So the bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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The Barber
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small
Southern town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he
intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat
and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor
of the town's Baptist Church.
The barber's wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the
task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said,
"That will be $20."
The man thought the price was a bit high, but he
paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as
smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not
bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The
next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the
man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.
It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I
thought $20 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "But you
must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still
haven't started growing back."
Expecting his comment, the expression
on her face didn't even change. She responded, "You were shaved by
Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."
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One Million
A young man asked God, "What is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to you is like one second to me>"
He then asked, "What is a million dollars to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to you is like one penny to me."
The young man got up the courage and asked God, "Could I have one of
your pennies?"
God said, "In a second."
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Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to
be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a
guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort
of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more
hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
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Captain Hook
A seaman meets a pirate, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye
patch. The seaman askeed, "so how did you end up with a peg leg."
The pirate replied that they were in a storm and he was washed overboard
and as they were pulling him out a shark gabbed his leg and bit it off.
Wow! What about your hook?
"Well" replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were
battlling the sailors with swords and one of them cut off my hand."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye."
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?"
"Well" said the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."
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Church Funnies
After telling the story of Jonah and the whale to her Sunday school
class, the teacher decided to quiz them. She asked, "Timmy, what is the
moral of the story?"
Timmy thought for a minute, then said, "People make whales throw up."
I asked our six-year-old, "How did you like the service?" She said, "I
liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."
Pastor, I've got some terrible news. Someone broke into our church last
night and stole ninety thousand dollars worth of pledges.
Does a good beginning and a good ending make a good sermon?
Yes, if they're close enough together.
A new pastor preached a stirring sermon on "Gossip" but then made a fatal
error by closing the service by singing "I Love to Tell the Story."
Sunday school teacher: "Cleanliness is next to what?"
Little boy answers, "Next to impossible."
Sunday school teacher: Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of
the city. But his wife turned around and turned into a pillar of salt."
A little girl raised her hand and said, "I was wondering what happened to
the flea?"
A four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive
those who put trash in our baskets."
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Long Sermon
A man got up to leave during a long sermon. The minister said, "Where are
you going?"
The man replied, "To get a haircut."
The minister said, "You should have gotten one before you came."
The man replied, "When I came in, I didn't need one!"
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Why I'm so tired!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal
government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do
the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're
sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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Pastoral Candidates
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being
considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told
of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone
to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts
seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to
share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in
dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering
at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he
left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David:_The most promising leader of all until we discovered the
affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those
wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his
former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle
his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting
things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on
the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has
trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey
by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he
might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might
fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does
this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work
records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to
supply a birth date. (This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition
has it that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the
lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one.
Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and
provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to
curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a
loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However,
short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been
known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at
first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow
workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an
insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow
along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he
managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to
twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course,
he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative.
Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to
preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
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Brief Sermon
A minister preached a very brief sermon and explained to the
congregation, "My dog got into my office and ate all my notes." On the
way out the door, a visitor said to the pastor, "If your dog ever has
pups, would you see that my minister gets one?"
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A Letter from a Mother
Dear Child:
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper
that
most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't
be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the
house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their
address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and
haven't
seen them since. The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last
week.
The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and
put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the
last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the
car
yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and
Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet,
so I' don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your
sister is going to name it after me; she's going to call it mom.
Uncle Pete fell in the whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.
Three of his friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two
friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate
down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.
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About Age
1. Growing older is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put
them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person
gain five pounds.
7. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Every time I
think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I
am so far behind, I will live forever.
9. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
10. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
11. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
12. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
14. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
15. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
16. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
17. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
18. Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrinks two sizes.
19. It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your
hips.
20. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
21. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
22. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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You Might Be From New Jersey IF:
1. You refer to the beach as the shore.
2. You know what a Wawa is, and you know the location of at
least 15 of them.
3. You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners
elsewhere in the country.
4. You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.
5. You've run out of money on the Parkway.
6. You still haven't seen that many gardens.
7. You still can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
8. There are no self serve gas stations.
9. You know what a "jug handle" is.
10. You only go to the "City" for day trips.
11. Route 18 doesn't freak you out at night.
12. You believe the Statue of Liberty is in NJ.
16. You have mandatory recycling enforced by law.
18. In high school you worked at Friendly's.
20. You have nearly been run over by a Tram Car in Wildwood.
21. You have a grandparent who didn't move to Florida and
retired in Cape May, Ocean Grove, Brick, or Toms River.
22. Donald Trump is mentioned daily in your local newspaper.
23. Your school actually made good italian"hoagies."
24. The Jets/Giants game has started fights in your family.
25. You have been waiting the last 10 years for the Yankees to
move to the Meadowlands.
26. You can smell when it's low tide.
27. You own an annual pass to Great Adventure and you had to take
the monkey by-pass at the Safari cause your dad had padded-vinyl
roof on his car.
28. You say "water" weird.
29. Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in April.
30. You know that ACME is a supermarket, not just a Warner Bros
creation.
31. Because your town was founded before 1776, all restaurants,
bars, and shops have 'ye', 'olde', or 'colonial' in their names.
35. There is a fruit and veggie stand down the road.
36. You like vinegar or gravy on your french fries.
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Uncaring Devotion
