Never Heard In Church
10) "Hey, mister, get up! It's my
turn to sit on the front seat!"
9) "Pastor, I was so blessed that
I didn't even notice the service
went over time by 35 minutes!"
8) "You know, I enjoy coming to
Sunday School so much more
fun than going fishing on Sunday."
7) "Oh, good! We have another
missionary with us today!"
6) "Pastor, I'd like to volunteer to be
the permanent teacher for the junior
high Sunday School class."
5) "Yes, I would so appreciate having the
opportunity to serve on the clean-up
committee!"
4) "I just love singing choruses I've never
heard before."
3) "Well, it seems the sanctuary is already
filled, so let's just start the service early."
2) "Pastor, we would like to send you to the
month-long Bible seminar on Maui."
And the number one statement nver heard in church is:
"Nothing inspires me like the annual
stewardship campaign!"
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Be Yourself
President Calvin Coolidge once invited friends from his hometown to dine at the White House. Worried about their table manners, the guests decided to do everything that Coolidge did. This strategy succeeded, until coffee was served. The president poured his coffee into the saucer. The guests did the same. Coolidge added sugar and cream. His guests did, too. Then Coolidge bent over and put his saucer on the floor for the cat.
By Erik Oleson
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Was It Meant to Be?
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time
to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously,
even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic
coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained
cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I
accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in
the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no
accident, so I prayed, "Lord, if you want me to have one of
those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place
directly in front of the bakery."
"Sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the
block, there it was!"
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Pipe Organ
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very
fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an
intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ
Transplant."
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Letter From God
One day God sent one of His angels to earth to see how
things were going. The angel came back and reported to God that things were
very bad and very few people seemed to even want to live a godly life. God
decided he had better send another angel for a second opinion. After a
short time that angel came back with the same report.
So God decided that he would send a letter to each of the people that he
felt were truly willing to serve Him and encourage them to keep the faith
and continue to strive in the midst of evil.
Do you know what was in that letter?
No? Oh sorry, I guess you didn't get one.
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One Student's Prayer
"Now I lay me down to rest,
And hope to pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I have to take."
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Comments from the Children
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the
Way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
********************************
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out
of
the
Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old
leaf
from a
tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I
found," the boy called out. What have you got there, dear?" his
mother
asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's
Adam's suit!!"
*********************************
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached,
he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he
went.
Then
he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly
tripping
before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little
girl
in
the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets
loose,
will he hurt us?"
*********************************
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally,
his
big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church."
Why?
Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of
the
church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're
hushers."
*********************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know
How
you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No,
how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
*********************************
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite
knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her
grandmother
by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or
the
King James Virgin?"
*********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.They were
ready
to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her
what
it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not
take
the covers off the neighbor's wife."
**********************************
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the
aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While
facing
the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it
went,
step,
step, ROAR, step ,step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can
imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time
he
reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and
more
distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the
time
he
reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed
and
said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
*******************************
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during
the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some
sense
of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father
picked
the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just
before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called
loudly
to
the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
*******************************
And one particular four-year old prayed,"And forgive us our trash
baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
*******************************
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a
better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.
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Just Kidding
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package
of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and
a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you
kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Cell Phone
A young man, wanted to get his beautiful young wife something nice for
their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone.
She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to
her all the features on the phone.
The next day she goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her
husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?"
"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But
there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty
parlor?"
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Wanted for Attempted Murder
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went
to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned
and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now
open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and
Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had
been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she
felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but
quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until
someone noticed and came to her aid.
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Johnny Isn't Stupid
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're
stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little
Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!"
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The Monk's Sound
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and
says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the
night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix
his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound
was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a
monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes
about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the
same monastery. The monks agina accept him, feed him, even
fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise
that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to
become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us
how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a
monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he
returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says,
"I have traveled the earth and have found what you have
asked for. There are 256,897,103,145,236,284,232 blades of
grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382,756,124,512,999 sand
pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to
find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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Where's Jesus?
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure
they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real. He
asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was
called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Sammy, waving
his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our
bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited
for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long
seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Sammy how he knew
this. Sammy said, "Well...every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the
bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"
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Epitaphs
For a tired woman: "Don't mourn
for me now,
Don't mourn for me never, I'm going
to do nothing forever and ever."
For a bad driver: "Here lies the body
of Mike O'Day,
who died maintaining his right of
way.
His right was clear, his will was strong,
but
he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong."
For Dorothy Parker, whose wit made Americans
laugh for decades, wrote her own epitaph:
"Excuse my dust."
H. C. Fields, the famed comedian, had on his
stone,
"I'd rather be in Philadelphia."
Benjamin Franklin's epitaph,
written by himself:
"The body of Benjamin Franklin,
printer, (like the cover of an old book, its contents
worn out, and stript (sic)of its lettering and gilding)
lies here, food for worms! Yet the work itself shall
not be lost, for it will, as he believed, appear once
more in a new and more beautiful edition, corrected
and amended by its author."
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Hymns or Choruses?
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended a
big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it
was.
"Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They
did something different, however. They sang praise choruses
instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are
those?"
"They're sort of like hymns, only different," said
the farmer.
"What's the difference?" asked the wife.
The farmer said, "Well, if I said, 'Martha, the cows
are in the corn,' that would be a hymn. But if I said,
'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the
cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the
white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS,
are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in
the corn,' that would be a praise chorus."
Now, the rebuttal, so to speak:
A young Christian went to his local church usually, but one
weekend attended a smalltown church. He came home and his
wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the young man, "It was good.
They did something different, however. They sang hymns
instead of regular songs."
"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs,
only different," said the young man.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The young man said, "Well it's like this: If I were to
say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that
would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to
say to you:
"Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
"For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
"Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.
"Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four
and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a
hymn."
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They Won't Leave
The year was 1492 A.D., and the citizens of Rome wanted to
expel the Jews. The Pope, being somewhat more openminded
than his followers, decided to give the Jews a chance to be
heard on this question, and challenged them to a public
debate. The elders of the Jewish community considered the
matter carefully.
"We have many learned and erudite men among us,"
they reasoned, "but the Pope is also learned and
erudite. By learning and erudition alone, we may not
prevail. Perhaps we may prevail by common sense." So
they chose the most commonsense man among them, a crusty old
fellow named Moishe, to represent them. Moishe agreed, but
on one condition: The debate must be held in silence,
without words.
Surprisingly, the Pope agreed. On the appointed day, the
Pope and Moishe took the stage and seated themselves before
the crowd.
The Pope held up three fingers.
Moishe held up one finger.
The Pope pointed with his three fingers to the four
horizons: East, South, West, and North.
Moishe pointed with his one finger to the ground at their
feet.
After some moments, the Pope held up the elements of the
Eucharist -- the wine and the wafer.
Moishe immediately held up an apple.
Suddenly, the Pope stood up and declared, "The debate
is concluded. The Jews have won. The Jews can stay."
Some days later, a cardinal finally got up the nerve to ask
the Pope, "Your Holiness, just what exactly did you and
Moishe say to each other?"
"First," began the Pope, "I held up three
fingers to symbolize the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy
Ghost. Then Moishe held up one finger to represent the
essential Unity of God. Okay, so he got me on the first
round.
"Next, I pointed to all the horizons to indicate that
God is all around us. But Moishe pointed to the ground
between us to indicate that God is right here with us. Okay,
he got me again.
"Finally, I held up the Eucharist to indicate the
redemption of humankind through the sacrifice of our Lord
Jesus Christ. But Moishe held up the apple to indicate the
original sin of Adam and Eve that made that sacrifice
necessary. I realized that he was right - that we are all
one in Adam, and announced the Jews' victory."
Not long after that, one of the rabbis asked Moishe the same
question.
"The Pope," said Moishe, "held up three
fingers to say, 'The Jews must leave Rome in three days.' I
held up one finger to say, 'Not one Jew will leave.' Then
the Pope pointed to the horizons to say, 'The Jews must
disperse into the wide world.' I pointed to the ground
between us to say, 'We are staying right here!' Then,"
Moishe shrugged, "he held up his lunch, I held up mine,
and it was all over."
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Holmes and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After
a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the
night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful
friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of
stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson thought for a moment. "Astronomically, it tells
me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn
is in Leo. I also deduce that the time is about a quarter
past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautifully
day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?"
Holmes said, "It tells me someone stole our tent, you
idiot!"
Submitted by Susan Jeffers
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Not So Good Sermons
A young minister took a rural parish. His wife kept herself busy with ministry and hobbies. Three years later, the couple decided to move to another parish because the church was dying. As the minister cleaned out the bedroom closet, he found an egg carton filled with money. He counted out a dozen one-dollar bills and three beautifully decorated eggs.
"What's this, sugar?" he asked his wife.
"Oh, honey," she said bashfully, "I was hoping you wouldn't find that." When her husband asked her to explain, she at last complied.
"You see, dear," she said in an embarrassed tone, "one of my hobbies is decorating eggs. When I get depressed, I decorate an egg and I feel better."
"Oh," the minister replied. "Tell me more. Why haven't you told me about this before?"
"Well," she continued meekly, "The only time I get depressed is when you preach a bad sermon. So I decorate an egg whenever you mess up really bad."
At that point, the minister grinned and hugged his wife. "Not a bad record, if I do say so myself! Three years, over fifty sermons a year, and only three bad ones!"
After the hug, the wife spoke up again.
"There's something else I should tell you," she said bashfully. "Every time I got a dozen eggs decorated I sold them to the women's missionary corps for a dollar."
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Bubba and the Pope
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how
about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba
and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure
enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend
come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise
was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting,
but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and
catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've know the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch
the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the
guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,
half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the
time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out
on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with
Bubba?"
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Never Heard In Church
