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Religious Symbols
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of
bringing something to represent their religion. The first boy got in
front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and
this is the Star of David." The second boy got in front of the class
and said, "My name is Thomas and I am Catholic and this is the
Crucifix." The third boy got in front of the class and said, " My name
is Johnny and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
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A Mother's Prayer
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".
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A Choice of Hymns
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the
people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the
offering plate.
He said that whoever gave the most would be able to
pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced
down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000
bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately
shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like
to personally thank the person who placed the money in
the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back
shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to
the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told
her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in
thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation,
pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and
said, "I'll take him and him and him."
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Heaven and Hell - The Real Difference
A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their own arm that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first - the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.
"I don’t understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he said. "here they have learned to feed each other."
By Ann Landers
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Sleeping In
Pastor to Parishioner: "Will I see you in church tomorrow?"
Parishioner: "I expect to be there Reverend, but I've been sleeping in on Sunday mornings."
Pastor: "Oh, really? How late have you been sleeping in?"
Parishioner: "That all depends on the length of your sermon."
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A Dirty Rabbit
This man came home one afternoon from work. He let the dog out as was
his usual routeen. Changed clothes and started his supper. While he was
cooking he heard the dog scratching to come in. The man went to let him
in when to his horror the dog had his neighbors beloved pet rabbit
dirty, malled, hanging limp in his teeth.
The man snatched the rabbit from the dog and quickly turned off the
stove and began to bath the rabbit, he then blew dry it and snuck over
to the neighbors yard and gently laid the rabbit on the floor of his
pen knowing his neighbor would be saddened to find his beloved pet. He
quickly rushed home and started his cooking again, when came a knock on
the door. He saw it was his neighbor and yelled ,come on in!
He came in and sat down. He shook his head looking disgusted. What's
wrong? He was asked. Well he said this community is not like it was when
I first moved hear years ago. Sure has changed a lot, said the other
fellow still at the stove. No I mean it, I am thinking about moving,
there are some real sick-o's around here! The man turned off his stove
and sat down with his friend, MOVING! What has happened. Well, he began,
the other day my beloved pet rabbit died, and today some sick-o dug him
up gave him a bath, and put him back in his cage.
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A Heavier Bird
A long time customer of the butcher came in just after he had cleaned
all his counters and put away all the case meat. She was looking to buy
an 8 pound bird for a dinner party. He told her he had closed up shop, but
for her he would see what he could do. She waited while he went in the
back to fill her order. He discovered he only had one bird left and it
was only 5 pounds. She was upset and the butcher wanted to go home. She
complained she must have at least an 8 pound bird. "Let me see what I can find."
So he took the bird and goes back in knowing there is no more, he comes
back with the same bird, only he presses his thumb on the scale to
appear as though he found a 7 pound bird. The woman smiled with a sigh of
relief and said,
"I'll take both of them."
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Caught Sleeping
The top things to say when your boss catches you sleeping at your desk:
"They told me at the blood bank that this might happen."
Whew! Guess I left the top off the correction fluid."
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people."
"Why did you interrupt me? I almost had our biggest problem solved."
"Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic."
"Amen. Yes, may I help you?"
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Room in Heaven
One day a doctor, a farmer and the president of an HMO arrive at the Pearly Gates. St.
Peter hesitates, because heaven is getting kind of full. Finally he tells the doctor, "You
may come in, for you have taken care of the sick in their time of need." Then he turns to
the farmer and says, "And you , too, may enter, for you have grown food to nourish your
fellow man."
Then St. Peter turns to the HMO executive. "Well, I guess you can come in too - but only
for three days."
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A Travel Classic
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be first class."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she
began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
The man retreated as the people
in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled
and people were late, they were no longer angry at United Airlines.
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It might be a country church if . . .
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is ,"Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering" - and five guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official
church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of
"two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to
buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship
service.
12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during
the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag
of
squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding.''
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon
you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were
bass or catfish.
24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now,
ya hear!"
26. On Sunday morning the parking lot looks like the parking lot at the
livestock auction.
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Mistaken E-mail
It is wise to remember how easily this wonderful e-mail technology
can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his
hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the
scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he
did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one
letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow
checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family
rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
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A Child's Plea
One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense
of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father
picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way
out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called
loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
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Subject: Wife2K
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included
in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors
all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, WWF 2.5,
and 3 Stooges 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever elected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but un-install does not
work on this program. Can you help me?
Dear Sir:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a
primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT"
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0, and still
convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from
the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with More problems than the original
system. Look in your manual under "Warnings -Alimony/Child Support." I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you
read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter
the command C> APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly
as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program,
but very high maintenance.
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Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland,
Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and
every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get
a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha
would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten
dollahs....and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy
says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go
this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that
there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten
dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make
you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word,
I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard,
he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says "By
golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to
holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something
when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
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Winter Time Church Service
There was a particularly heavy snowfall in the small rural mid-western town. As the
pastor of the community church approached the building, he wondered if anyone would
make it in for the service.
One man, a farmer, did make it, and sat himself on the back pew of the small chapel.
Realizing no one else would be coming, the pastor went back and asked the farmer if he
thought they should proceed with the service.
"Well," the farmer answered, "if I take the feed out to my cattle and only one comes to
eat, I still feed that one cow."
That statement made sense to the pastor, so he went up to the pulpit and conducted the
service, complete with hymns, offering, announcements, and an animated 1 hour sermon.
After the closing prayer, the pastor went to the back to shake hands with his one
parishioner, and asked,
"Well, how did you like the service?"
The farmer was obviously not pleased, so the pastor said, "But you told me that if only
one cow came, you would feed it."
"Yes," said the farmer, "But I wouldn't give it the entire load!"
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CHURCH FOOTBALL!!
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the
invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many
choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do
anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water
fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should
be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is
almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last
week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation
if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or
fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the
sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return
for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
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Lying Is Bad
Four sophomores at Duke University taking Organic Chemistry the weekend
before
their final exam decide to go to the University of Virginia and party with
some
friends. After partying, they overslept on Sunday and didn't make it
back
to
Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final, they
decided
to
find their Professor after the finale and explain to him why they
missed
it:
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend, unfortunately,
they
had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get
help
for
a long time. As a result, they were late getting back to campus. The
Professor thought it over and agreed they could make up the final the
following
day.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and handed each
of
them a test booklet. They looked at the first problem, which was
something
simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95
points)
Which tire?
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Help For Behavior
Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while
he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then
said a prayer. "Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help
you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me
not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
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Religious Symbols
