February 12, 1999

Goodness, a lot of things have happened to me these past two weeks! So much, that I don't know where to start, or what to talk about in the first place. How about the beginning? Yes, that's a very good place to start....

I went into the hospital again. Ugh. See, I coughed up some blood last Tuesday night, and then on Wednesday my silly doctor surprised the heck out of my dad and I when she asked if it would be possible to admit me that afternoon. We didn't know what was up, and we were freaked out as it was, so we said sure. This blood thing had happened twice before, but we figured it wasn't that big of a deal. Obviously, the doc held a different opinion, and it's right to trust your doctor, right? psh! First of all, the admitting office didn't call us until after the children's hospital had closed, so we had to be admitted through the adult center. Then, they lost the IV line that I was supposed to have inserted into my arm, and that was finally all done at 1:00 a.m. Thursday morning (!!!!). The next day, I went for pulmonary function tests (basically, breathing tests that tell about my lung capacity and stuff like that), and it turns out that they were better than they had been in November, when I had come in for a simple check-up. This was my first hint that I wasn't sick. After that, I basically had my daily breathing treatments five times a day (which put me on a 2 a.m.-or-later to 7:30 a.m. sleeping schedule) and sat on my butt, reading and watching movies. No time for a real nap, because the respiratory therapists came every four hours, nurses were coming in and out to check my vitals (which were always the same!), the IV would beep, and I was expected to eat three meals of their pseudo-food every day. Sitting on your ass has never been so exhausting. Finally, after taking another pulmonary function test (whose results were the best I've ever had in my entire life- !!!!), they released me on Monday. To come back to five days of heavy-duty make-up homework.

That was quite a bitch, wasn't it? Ah, well, it's over now. I thought it was a waste of time and energy, but it really threw some realizations into my face. This is going to be one of my realities as I get older- some cystics do this every six months or so. And I don't want to. I have this increasing want to be perfectly healthy- to not have to worry about breathing treatments and lung capacity, because it was normal. To not have to wonder if my next coughing fit will end in blood. At the moment, I still have my IV line in, and I'm giving myself antibiotics through it. Do you know that if you get too much air into your blood stream, you die instantly? I do, and that runs through my mind whenever I have to flush the line with saline. I'm a very nervous gal lately. Thank goodness it's coming out next week. I don't think I'm going to save this line. It's 45 centimeters of bad feelings, and it's probably not flammable.

So, the next thing. I hate talking about it, because although I'm totally unsure about it and really want feedback from my family and bestest friends about it, I also feel like it egotistical bragging or some junk like that. OK, I love the German language. Duh. And I'm really good at it- the best in my class. So, we took this National German Exam, and the deal was that if you score in the top ten percent, you are eligible to get a four week, all expenses paid trip to Germany over the summer. Now, most people don't do this, so I figured I wouldn't. I did. I feel really cool about myself, but here's why I don't think I should even apply for the trip. Four weeks in a foreign country whose language I don't think I have that great of a grasp on. My first airplane ride- it would be all alone, over an ocean, for a very long time, and we must remember that I'm scared of heights. I would not be able to take Drivers' Ed, and I'd never drive. I still have breathing treatments to do which require machines, and that's a whole different electrical system over there. I've never been away from home for so long, and I haven't been so far from home even with my family. I'd miss my friends. I wouldn't be able to do my great project. They would leave and come back to New York City. I don't live in New York City. Here's why I think I might apply anyway: It's Germany, and I can always say no if I'm even picked to go in the first place. In general, I think I'm thinking about this whole thing way too much. Don't you think?

And yesterday, my second day back in school, my counselor/dean told me that I'm number two in my class. Now, some would say it's been a damn good week for little 'ol Rosie, but I'm not too sure. A friend told me I was ten times smarter than him yesterday-- I hate stuff like that. I'm not a genius, my mind isn't really all that special. I'm more than my grades. The reason my GPA is great is because most of my classes are honors, and I'm taking an AP course. These classes count more towards the GPA than regular courses, and I get A's in all of them. I'm highly competitive, too. It has nothing to do with intelligence. It has to do with the fact that I want to prove everyone who said I would suffer from sophomore syndrome (where your grades drop during your second year) wrong. That's all. It's still pretty cool though- it certainly made my counselor/dean rather happy.

So, it's been a rollercoaster ride. I was bummed about the hospital, pleased that I didn't really have to be there, pissed that I was there, ecstatic that I know my German, bummed that I might not go, confused about whether I really wanted to go at all, overwhelmed at the amount of homework I have to do, amused at my teachers who want me to take my time but finish everything as quickly as possible, frustrated at my teachers who want to take my time but finish everything as quickly as possible, giddy about my class rank, personally humble about my class rank, and finally protesting against my intelligence. On top of all that, I have to somehow convince the world that I'm perfectly fine, while I still have an IV in my right arm. Can you say brain cramp? And on top of all that, I haven't seen Dharma and Greg in three weeks, and I missed the second part of NBC's The Sixties! (note: that was supposed to sound as shallow as it actually is). Whew.

To leave you, some Alanis Morissette from her new album, Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie. The song's called 'So Pure:' "Supposed former infatuation junkie. I sink three pointers and you wax poetically. I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance, so pure such an expression. let's grease the wheel over tea. let's discuss things in confidence. let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous. let's solve the world's problems. I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance, so pure such an expression." That could technically go out to someone, but I know that they don't usually read this thing, and I wouldn't have a real clear-cut reason for doing it. Just that this song always makes me think of them. Hm. This is yet another one from Coolsig: "Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked." Love it!