March 6, 1999

So, I'm thinkin'- I hate computers. It's just a thought, mind ya, but I'm really thinking it intensively right now. So much, in fact, that I'm fighting the urge to smack my monitor. No, I'm thinkin' I shouldn't do that. Better not to piss it off, right? Because you get this thing mad at you, and hell- better just forget updating Ob for a few more weeks. By the way- miss me?

I have excuses. Well, one, really. It was my birthday. I'm 16 now, and it feels totally different. I mean, now "Sixteen Candles" applies to me (well, kinda- just add the adoring singer, and its perfect). It's awesome- I've been waiting for this age my entire life. Really, I have. I think I already told you about it. But I haven't told you about my party (-ies). I had two, but I really only want to tell you about one. It's been on my mind for the past week- I'm such a dork. Okay, so we went to TGIFridays. Erin and I went in Matt's car, which is always fun because he blasts the Disney radio station and we constantly have some of the most interesting conversations with him. This was right after the last Band Cheerleader gig of the year, and I'm actually still bumming about that (I mean, I never had as much fun as when I was screaming for my pep band).

When we get there, we have about a half-hour wait for our table (for a whopping 10 people), and did you know about the beeper things they give you to alert you when your table is ready? I didn't, and I find them totally awesome. I also got to hold it, because I'd never held something that vibrates in my hand before. Let me tell you, I was walking on air. And then we just hung out for a longish time, having a blast in a most un-me way. I was serenaded with a trumpet, I freaked over three adorable ponies I was given, we were instructed in the correct brunch techniques, people sang, Matt concentrated on taking our cameras into the guys' bathroom, I had five waiters sneak up on me and tie balloons to various limbs and pigtails (they later proved to be difficult, what with the windy night, small car, and low hanging tree branches in the parking lot). Basically, great times. And its managed to mess with my entire life, in an odd little thought-provoking way.

See, the new problem I've suddenly realized is that I'm no longer part of a group. I have no set identity in my social life. I'm friends with the people I went to TGIFridays with- no doubt. I'm friends with the people I went bowling with the next afternoon- no doubt. I'm friends with the four other girls in choir, and we're going to start hanging out outside of school- no doubt. But who am I really close friends with? Um..... hm. I have two best friends, but there's a problem there. One pressures me to leave my other friends and hang with the TGIFridays' group- who happen to be mostly seniors. I figure, they're all going to be gone in a few months. How smart would it be to make my main group these people? And besides, who says we really want to become close friends? I don't know. The other friend doesn't really care what I do- just whatever I choose and that's fine. It's kind of disconcerting at times, because it makes me doubt the claim of "bestest friends" that is always made. If one has a bestest friend, wouldn't one want to spend time with that bestest friend, and hope they would want to spend time with one as well? Hm? So, basically the problem is that I have these two friends either pressuring me or not caring, and I would really love to have a whole group of close friends that I can actually be close to. At the moment, my life consists of people with whom I can share a monstrously great laugh, but can't sit down and confide in. After all, confiding is a very great thing- and it doesn't have anything to do with how much the other person swears they won't tell another living soul. It has everything to do with how much you like and trust that person. And I don't have that with these groups.

Yet, I'm basically happy. At least I'm talking more than I used to- my general business and opinions are definitely not going unheard. My mom says she doesn't think some of my friendships will not last much longer. Personally, I think she's wrong, because if the friendships she's talking about can outlast the kinds of arguments we've had with each other, they can certainly withstand a little bout of indecision on my part. I think.

I can't find enough stuff to have one women fact for every day this month. Considering it's the fifth, I've decided my plan has been spoiled by the mere fact of having way too much on my mind and my sudden interest in things other than feminism (not to say I'm not interested in it- you should read what I wrote in a forum, responding to the girls who believe we should return to the traditional roles of women. Can you imagine? Ha!). So, I'm going to tell you about the greatest markswoman ever- Annie Oakley. Don't ask me why- I admire markswomen, I suppose. She was shooting by the time she was 15, and performed in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show, as the star, for 16 years. A train accident ended that career, but she continued to give shooting demonstrations-- this was in her forties, I think. She gave shooting lessons to tons of women (more than 2,000!) for no cost and raised money for orphans, widows, and women who wanted an education. She really was too cool, and I salute her. Some quotes that just happen to be in my pile of cool clips: "I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat"- Rebecca West. "An English professor wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.' The women wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'" Celebrate Women's History Month.

Oh, and we were watching a date rape video in my health class today. I hate to say it, but I'm almost convinced that it's a mistake to educate the ignorant male masses about this subject, merely because of the ignorant responses you get back. Actually, that may have been a bit harsh of me. Some of the girls are as stupid as the guys too. So we're watching the video, and since the guys didn't see every girl as young versions of Cindy Crawford, they were calling out insults about their looks. Who cares if they're telling about their rape experiences, who cares about the seriousness of the message- they're not sexy enough to be listened to. Grr. The video also had statistics telling about how a surprisingly high amount of high school students thinks that forcing sex is okay is certain situations. When asked if its okay for a guy to force a girl if they've been going out for a long time- the guys asked for a definition of a long time. Then they claimed the statistics were bullshit. A bit odd, I think. The kicker, though, was when a girl actually said that one of the rape victims from the tape was at fault because she had been drinking. She took the rapist's side! And when the teacher stood up for her, the girl actually defended the rapist, saying he had been drinking, which makes him not responsible for his actions. I wanted to slap her upside the head, and have someone shove a lit firecracker up the you-know-whats of the guys making the worst comments. Stupid people. So, I'm begging you- celebrate women's history month.

Wowsers, I'm tired. But the last time I slept, I dreamed about the Russian Revolution coming to our school. Fun, no? Yes, exactly. So, what is the quote this week? Well, it's a little belated, but I think "Sixteen Candles" or what I can remember of it, definitely works. "Sixteen candles/ make a lovely light/ but not as bright/ as your eyes tonight// Sixteen candles/ in your heart will glow/ forever and ever/ for I love you so// You're only sixteen/ but you're my teenage queen// You're the prettiest, the loveliest girl that I've ever seen/ *I've ever seen*// Blow out the candles/ make your wish come true/ for I'll be wishing/ that you love me too/ That you love me too!" Wow- doesn't it just send shivers down your spine?