This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/01/2002 11:05:00 PM ~ ~

Can you imagine that my husband thought that I wasn't vulnerable to him, ever, at any point in time in our relationship? He just wanted to think that any depression I was having was simply due to a character flaw. The depressions didn't start until after the abuse began.

BTW, since someone I know likes to think that I've just chosen to hold a grudge against Kirc all these years, listen up. What do you call Ida holding things against me for almost thirteen years that weren't ever true to begin with? Or how about specific situations? The one and only argument she ever witnessed between Kirc and myself. I believe that Kirc did a good enough explanation for why that happened. Oh, and yes, I do remember that Ida seemed fair at the time by holding us both responsible for the argument. My, how things change over time, don't they? Would Ida have cared if she knew why we were arguing after we moved out to Arizona? Probably not. That bitch chose to make shit up in her head about me from day one, never get to know me, and try many times to break Kirc and me up. Well, for those of you who believe in karma, she's got some freaking hot and nasty karma coming her way from the universe.

While I'm on the subject of grudges, Kirc still holds a major grudge (after almost thirteen years) against a former girlfriend, Laura, due to feeling that he still deserves revenge against her. His desires of rape come from that grudge. He also holds a grudge against his mom for whatever she did against him growing up in addition to what she's done to him as an adult. I've been sympathetic towards him regarding this forever but I'm tired of caring about his feelings and getting indifference on his part towards my feelings.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/01/2002 10:54:00 PM ~ ~

I'm not the most eloquent person out there and sometimes cannot put into words my innermost feelings adequately. However, on The D/s Abuse Page I found these eloquent descriptions that definitely apply to what I've been through.

"Abuse is about the breach of trust between an authority figure and the person in their care."
"Abuse is about the lack of respect that one person demonstrates to another person."
"Abuse is about a form of out-of-control physical violence and/or personal or emotional degredation of the submissive."
"Abuse is hurtful. It is also very damaging emotionally and spiritually to the submissive."

and the most descriptive ones of my torture:
"Abuse binds a submissive to a lonely and solitary life of shame, fear and secrecy... imprisoning her very soul."
"Abuse shatters and destroys a person's self-esteem and leaves self-hatred in it's place."
"The abuse can be physical, emotional, mental or spiritual in nature, but whatever the form, it will destroy a submissive's self respect and without that......the submissive has nothing."

Again, I never wished to be a submissive so I'm sure you can understand that it was even more humiliating to me than to someone who chose BDSM as a lifestyle.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/01/2002 10:41:00 PM ~ ~

I will say this about my husband, Kirc. It takes a big set of balls to stand up to someone (in this case his mom) that he's been trying to no avail to get approval from since childhood.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/31/2002 10:21:00 PM ~ ~

From a Columbia University website: "... just as consent separates sex from rape, so to does consent separate BDSM from abuse." "limit: activities, words or scenarios which the person does not wish to experience for either physical or emotional reasons".

Just in case anyone wonders, I not only do not want to be a bottom/submissive but, just as much, I do not want to be a top/domme/dominatrix either. I believe sex can be a beautiful exchange of giving pleasure and getting pleasure so that both partners can be satisfied from the experience. I do not mean any of this web log to be taken as a judgement on those who choose to participate consensually in the BDSM lifestyle. Along those lines, when Kirc had his affair in 1993 with Celia Ogrodowski (of which bondage played the biggest role even more than sex), what they did wrong was commit adultery. Kirc has said that he moved out in 1993 due to wanting more extreme bondage than I would give him. However, this issue is a very complicated one. The biggest reason he moved out was pressure from his mother, Ida, to leave me and divorce me. Little did she know that we continued our relationship, just under separate roofs until July 20, 1993. Kirc did not want anyone else to know that he was continuing his relationship with me so that if he got caught with Celia, it wouldn't seem like he was cheating on me. By the same token, he didn't want anyone to know about him and Celia since the adultery started primarily as bondage. The only person who knew of both his relationship with me and his relationship with Celia at the same time was his best friend, Robert. However, he led Robert to believe that he was having sex with Celia as he did not feel comfortable enough in the friendship to let Robert know about the bondage aspect. If Kirc had told his mother that he had no intention of divorcing me while she was constantly badgering him to divorce me, he would have received further belittlement from her.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/31/2002 07:05:00 PM ~ ~

More research... From the same website, different page BDSM vs. Abuse:
"A List of Signs...a list of potentially abusive signs that fall into all styles of domination. Check to see if any of these apply to you."
I've listed those signs on the list that do apply to me.
"1. You feel submission was taken from you, not something you gave.
3. You are made to do things you are not comfortable doing.
4. You do not feel your Dominant shows you compassion.
5. Your safe word (if used) is not being honored promptly.
6. You are not allowed contact with others.
8. You have reason to believe you cannot trust your Dominant.
9. You are not asked about, nor are you allowed to express your needs or wants.
10. You are physically, emotionally or mentally punished for having your own opinions.
11. You are not allowed to voice your concerns or hesitations without fear of physical, emotional or mental punishment.
12. Your Dominant seems to lack self-control.
14. Your Dominant is not honest with you.
15. Your Dominant seems self-serving and not willing to teach.
17. Scenes do not feel safe.
18. Scenes often go beyond the pain threshold you have specified with your Dominant.
19. You have suffered irreversible damage whether mental, emotional, or physical."

Anyone? Are we having fun yet? No? Didn't think so. I told you we were in for a bumpy ride.

I remember in 1993, after I gave Kirc the ultimatum regarding bondage, he had me read an article from a bondage magazine so I would be able to "understand" why I should like to be a bottom/submissive in bondage. Sheesh! He also then tried to tell me that he wasn't going to think about bondage or fantasize about it anymore. Yeah, right! I knew that was too good to be true. Does Kirc need to be chastised for fantasizing about bondage all these years? No, if it were just fantasy and didn't affect our relationship. However, the truth is that he doesn't just want bondage and domination in the bedroom but would prefer to have such domination over my life 24/7. I do think there is a problem if someone can only get sexually aroused by thinking about bondage and "vanilla" sex doesn't do it for him. Now, for the zinger...his fantasies don't (now, in the present) just include bondage against a woman's will but also include sex against her will. In my and many people's definition, that is rape.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/31/2002 04:34:00 PM ~ ~

It's very important to me to make sure you know that there is such a huge difference in the consensual bondage that many people out there partake of and the abusive bondage Kirc put me through. I've been doing some more searching on the web for sites that can explain parts of better than I can. I started at Yahoo!. From the website BDSM Realm: Realm Academy: LIMITS, comes these quotes (please forgive the English as I believe the writer's first language is Italian):
"...'general' limits, concerning the red line over which we can't talk anymore about consensual play but seriuos risk for mental or physical health." "...that it is NOT CONSENSUAL forcing someone into play unwillingly." "Is it valid the consent from a person deeply in love with us who's evidently looking to feel us closer, or who fears to miss us?" "But when choosing practices and degrees it is clear that limits are firstly concerning subs. Every sub have, inside that red line we said, his own personal limits." "It's then quite clear how much important is Dom's deep sensitiveness..."

Does it tell you anything that the woman Kirc had an affair with in 1993 (Celia Ogrodowski) (I had NO knowledge of this at the time), the woman he turned to for extreme bondage, later told him that it was very, very wrong for Kirc to be forcing bondage on me against my will? That is one of the few things I have respect for the woman about.

Ok, you may be asking, "Well, is Kirc still doing bondage to you now?". No, when we got back together in October 1993 as a couple, I finally had the courage to put my foot down and give Kirc an ultimatum that there would be no more bondage and the mere mention of it from him would bring about a divorce. The reason that I have been affected for so very long by the bondage is that, until this month (May 2002), yes, for almost twelve years, Kirc has never chosen to understand what he has done to me or why I reacted towards him the way I did.

Yes, Ida, that's the biggest reason Kirc and I were arguing in the last half of 1992 because, by that time, I had gotten angry at Kirc for not giving a damn about me. He obviously was so ready to run to mommy and complain about little wifey arguing with him but he obviously wasn't willing to tell you what we were arguing about. Then again, you didn't care what the subject was about, did you? Kirc's emotional indifference to my feelings is the second part of his abuse against me. He was able to show me some sympathy when my mother and brother died but, regarding anything he's done to me, he hasn't cared at all.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/31/2002 01:43:00 PM ~ ~

Part of Kirc's abuse of me, the initial part which began in August of 1990, was abusive bondage. Up until the abuse started, Kirc and I had a fairy tale relationship with both of us giving each other the love we had never truly felt from anyone else. When Kirc would come down from Ft. Hood on the weekends to visit me in College Station, we were totally wrapped up in each other. We could shut the door and shut out the world, pretending that the universe was only made up of him and me.

The followers of BDSM (I have NEVER been one) (Bondage Domination Sadism Masochism) have a credo that states "Safe, Sane, and Consensual". After doing some recent research on the net about the subject, I've found that anyone who breaks that credo is looked down upon even by those who practice BDSM. Realistically, anyone committing abusive bondage to anyone other than their spouse is committing a crime. However, since the authorities don't like to get involved in domestic problems that don't involve physical signs on the body of such abuse, what is an abused spouse to do to defend herself? This website is a beginning.

Do you realize how much abuse of one kind or another occurs in homes every day? More often than not, the abuser threatens the victim in some way so that the victim will not tell anyone else about what is going on behind closed doors. The abuser knows that they can get away with the abuse as long as either no one else knows or no one else does anything about it. I told my parents back in 1990 but they were several hundred miles away and felt helpless to do anything. At the time, my father and brother both wanted to come beat the sh*t out of Kirc. Kirc's made it clear over the years that I'm not supposed to reveal what goes on in our bedroom. Normally, I wouldn't be one to talk about it if it were simply a normal sex life.

From the website Argosy.ca: Oshun's Erotica, the following:
"Bondage and Abuse: Bondage is not abuse. There are several key differences that have to be kept in mind within a relationship where you're considering exploring bondage. First, in BDSM, negotiation occurs before the scene to determine what will happen and what will not happen. In abuse, one person determines what will happen. In BDSM, knowledgeable consent is given by both parties. In abuse, no consent is given. In BDSM, you can always stop. In abuse, you can't stop what's happening. In BDSM, those involved are concerned about the needs, desires and limits of others. In abuse, no concern is given to the needs, desires and limits of the abused person. Finally, after a BDSM scene, the people involved feel good. After an episode of abuse, people feel bad."

That quote pretty much sums it up for me. Kirc began doing things that I didn't consent to and that hurt me. For example, have you ever seen a calf caught and tied up in a rodeo? The forelegs are tied together, the hind legs tied together, and then all four legs tied together. This "scene" was just one way that Kirc got his jollies at my expense. My pleading with him to stop due to the physical, emotional, and psychological pain he was inflicting on me fell on deaf ears. Later I found to my horror that, when I would plead with him to stop, he told himself that maybe I would eventually grow to like it.

You may be asking why didn't I tell him no more and put my foot down. Due to specific things he had communicated previously during our relationship, I was too afraid that, if I didn't give him the bondage he wanted, he would leave me. My intuition was right but more on that later.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/30/2002 12:53:00 PM ~ ~

Can you tell I'm the kind of person who believes that injustices must be righted? I initially started this web log to chronicle the truth about my life, particularly my marriage. I've decided to make permanent webpages on my site probably linked to from this web log instead of my main site. Remember, this stuff isn't for the weak at heart. TTFN

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/30/2002 12:28:00 PM ~ ~

While Ida still thought she could influence (read intimidate and brainwash) Kirc to believe her lies and bullshit, she was more than willing to keep the lines of communication open. However, ever since Kirc emailed her basically showing for the first time in his life that he is standing up to his mother, all of a sudden she doesn't want to have anything to do with him any more. What a freaking laugh.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/29/2002 05:43:00 PM ~ ~

Queen Ida (Kirc's mother who thinks she is never wrong about anything, must be treated like a queen and no one must ever disagree with her or else) believes she doesn't have anything to answer for. She basically disowned her son, Kirc, on the basis that she isn't going to communicate any more with him or me. However, the truth will be told whether she likes it or not.