This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/07/2003 07:08:00 AM ~ ~

I forgot to mention earlier that I know all about the kind of woman who is called a b!tch by others because she is in a bad mood all the time and treats others badly especially when they don't deserve it. *******, I don't think you meant this kind of b!tch, did you? I think you are referring to us letting out our Inner B!tchs, the b!tch that comes out to defend us and stand up for us when others try to take advantage of us and/or control us. My own stbx (soon to be ex) had his own mother and best friend believing I was the first kind of b!tch in 1992 (immediately after we moved out here to AZ) and beyond but he had to lie about me and why were arguing to do so. His mother didn't find out the truth until last year and his misogynistic, sexist best friend wouldn't have cared about the truth.

Yep, I just ask myself, am I ok with my own behavior? If so, if the other person is not ok with my behavior, why not? If my behavior was called for then it is the other person who needs an attitude adjustment.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 5/07/2003 06:42:00 AM ~ ~

The topic of the IB or Inner B!tch came up on a forum I'm on and I thought I'd post here what I posted there as it is very pertinent to how I have related to people over my life, especially now.

Well, I've found out some things from my own life about other people that I hate. What I'm referring to is that when I've been a doormat and let others walk all over me, I am blamed for not standing up for myself. When I have tried to be assertive and stand up for myself while respecting the rights of others, I am also blamed for not being a doormat and just caving in to what the other person wanted me to do. When I have been mistreated enough by the other person and asserting myself has had no effect, my IB comes out and I do mean b!tch. Of course, then I am blamed for being a B.

Now, looking back, there are, for the most part, very few people who have blamed me as I wrote above. The common thread among them is that they were trying to control me in some way and, if I acted assertively or aggressively they were obviously not in control and this was not ok with them. Those people include my stbx husband and my step-mother (two people who just happen to be malignant narcissists).

I am now looking at the specific person who might look down on me for how I reacted in a given situation and ask myself, would others agree with them? Do I agree with them in their assessment of me? Are they just trying to manipulate me by blaming me, by basically calling me the bad person for standing up for myself? Yes, those two people are/were. It's called shame dumping/shaming/guilt tripping and now that I know it for what it is, it is easier for me to counteract it.

What I want for myself and my two children: to not be anyone's doormats but to also not go to the other extreme and become aggressive towards someone. I want for me and my two children to be able to assertive: standing up for our own rights and needs while respecting the rights and needs of others. Society, some men, and even some women will call us b!tches when we stand up for ourselves but you need to remember to ask yourself what is their purpose in saying that about us? I think we are rarely called that when we deserve it in a negative way.

I'm very aware that women when being assertive are seen as b!tches by some other people. Well, that's too bad because I hate being a doormat. I've only gotten hurt by being a doormat and "walked on."

I am ok with the idea of being seen as a b!tch by some people (a handful at most) if that means that those people realize they can't control me. I am no longer the nice little girl who tried to please everyone and was known as little miss goody two shoes. If I had stayed that way, I'd be the poster child for human doormats.

I and only I can truly look out for my own best interests.